This Thread Brought To You By The Letters C & L:
In Case You Missed It Dept.:
North Korea’s Kim Jung Un boasted his ICBMs can reach Los Angeles Tuesday. According to his CIA dossier, the dictator wears shoe lifts, drinks a quart of cognac a day, takes Viagra, uses cocaine and dates teenage girls. You would think he’d spare Los Angeles out of professional courtesy.
Barack Obama’s half-brother Malik Obama produced a birth certificate Thursday that shows that Barack was born in Kenya when it was a British Colony. This is serious. It nearly killed the Democrats that Trump got elected but they might commit mass suicide if it turns out he was also right.
Utah former governor Jon Huntsman was nominated by the president last week to be the next United States ambassador to Russia. It’s a dangerous career move in today’s climate. He knows it’s only a matter of time before House Democrats move to impeach him for talking with the Russians.
The White House ordered forty U.S. attorneys fired who’d been appointed Obama Friday. The administration feels undermined by all the Democratic holdovers. An intruder broke into the White House Saturday but the White House usher told him he was too late, the intruder is already in charge.
The Weather Channel reported a huge blizzard blanketed the Eastern Seaboard with dozens of inches of snow from Washington D.C. up to New York and Boston. Naturally it’s become a partisan issue in Washington. Democrats just accused President Trump of colluding with the Russian winters.
Vladimir Putin’s press secretary said Sunday that the Russian ambassador met last year with Hillary’s people as well as Republicans. It’s out of hand. Putin assured Americans Monday that he wouldn’t interfere with the NCAA basketball tournament and then he blinked Duke in Morse Code.
The White House chided the Senate for taking so long to confirm Trump’s appointees to office Monday. He’s forced to run the government himself. Poultry inspectors in Alabama on Tuesday discovered six cases of bird flu, and President Trump banned all immigrants from the Canary Islands.
MSNBC host Rachel Maddow got her hands on Donald Trump’s twelve-year-old tax returns Tuesday. She revealed Donald made $150 million in 2005 and paid $38 million in taxes. Rachel Maddow could now be evicted from the Democratic Party for proving that Trump paid his fair share.
Middleton College kids drowned out a speech by famed conservative educator Charles Murray Friday. Political correctness is now a religion. According to today’s campus logic, if you own a black iPhone and you are always telling Siri what to do, you are basically saying you are okay with slavery.
President Trump hosted the crown prince of Saudi Arabia Tuesday at the White House, where the Saudis agreed to an increased role in fighting ISIS. It yielded results. Trump issued a statement vowing to crack down on nations that harbor Islamic extremists, and already France has surrendered.
The House of Representatives received a bill written up by a congressional panel Friday which if passed and signed into law would ban all federal workers from watching porn at work. This will never get enacted. IRS employees don’t even call it porn, they call it Continuing Education Seminars.
— Argus Hamilton
We have Rachel Maddow on the show tonight! Rachel’s in the news because she got ahold of Donald Trump’s 2005 tax return on her show. But a lot of people were saying it didn’t really show much. So I guess last night, people had to pick between watching “This Is Us” or “This Is Nothing.”
— Jimmy Fallon
Hillary Clinton is reportedly still considering a run for mayor of New York City. And, weirdly, this time she IS campaigning in Michigan and Wisconsin. Fool me once, right?
— Seth Meyers
Rachel Maddow’s much-hyped release of Donald Trump’s 2005 tax returns last night was considered by many to be a letdown. No one’s been this disappointed by Rachel Maddow since the guy who took her to the prom.
I want to send a warm welcome to those of you watching on the East Coast, where Winter Storm Stella has not been as terrible as everyone seemed to think it would be. This was supposed to be a huge storm. Then Rachel Maddow talked about it on MSNBC for an hour and it turned out to be nothing.
The only result of what happened last night is Rachel Maddow topped Rosie O’Donnell as Donald Trump’s least-favorite lesbian.
— Jimmy Kimmel