Today’s Toons 10/17/16

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Regal Cinemas announced it will show Sunday night’s debate between Trump and Clinton in all their theaters nationwide. That should generate a lot of excitement. Usually when you see a matchup like that on the big screen, you also see thousands of Japanese people running for their lives.

The New York Times on Thursday refused to reveal who mailed Donald Trump’s tax returns from twenty-one years ago to the newspaper. The leaked tax return revealed he lost a billion dollars that year. Reports have surfaced that one of Donald Trump’s ex-wives did it, so it could be anybody.

Bill Clinton’s former vice president Al Gore was enlisted by Hillary Clinton to campaign for her election on Thursday. She’s tasked Al to canvass the support of Millennial generation voters who are concerned about climate change. He’s going basement-to-basement at their parents houses

The New York Post said police vigilance over Creepy Clown sightings could lead to increased crackdowns, surveillance and profiling. There is concern by legitimate clowns that they could be attacked. Major U.S. cities are bracing for protests from White-Green-Blue-Yellow-Red Lives Matter.

Libertarian Gary Johnson said his TV gaffes about Syria’s war prove he’s human. He added not knowing about foreign policy would allow him to focus on domestic issues. The good news for Gary Johnson is that he’s on the ballot in all fifty states, the bad news is he can’t name any of them.

National Football League Executives tried to play down concerns over the NFL’s alarming 10 percent drop in TV ratings. They have a solution. In order to keep viewers riveted, every time there’s a time out, a network anchor will break in and report what Donald Trump just said or did.

Donald Trump was exposed Friday talking graphically about seducing women in an interview 11 years ago. Then WikiLeaks outed Hillary saying she can’t relate to the middle class. The American people were just awarded the Nobel Prize for our demonstrated ability to Really Pick ‘Em.

Donald Trump apologized Friday for the eleven-year-old hot microphone conversation he had with Billy Bush in which he graphically discussed sex and seducing women. He called it locker room talk. If any coach ever gave that speech in the locker room, he’d better be a defensive coach in the Lingerie Bowl.

Hillary Clinton was clearly rattled throughout Sunday night’s debate by Donald Trump’s merciless prosecution of her husband’s treatment of women and her role in covering up the sex scandals. He also vowed to prosecute her for erasing the emails. Donald Trump beat Hillary Clinton so badly in the debate that the NFL just suspended him for four games.

St. Louis hosted a second debate between Donald Trump and Hlilary Clinton Sunday. Seventy million Americans witnessed the verbal brawl. In the first poll of voters following Sunday night’s debate, Queen Elizabeth is leading Giant Meteor by three points, which is within the margin of error.

Hillary Clinton was backed into a corner during Sunday’s debate when Trump confronted her about erasing all her e-mails after she was subpoenaed by Congress to produce them. She’s good. She hesitated for one moment then blamed her husband’s sexual assaults on an anti-Methodist video.

Donald Trump during Sunday’s debate was heckled by Democrats over social media about his constant sniffing. The running joke of all these hecklers was that Trump was on cocaine. For its part, cocaine spent the entire ninety minutes screaming at the television set for Donald to calm down.

Speaker Paul Ryan said he’ll vote for Trump but not campaign for him after Trump’s vulgar sexual language offended some women. Not everyone’s up to speed. When asked his opinion on the controversy, Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson identified Poontang as the capital of Thailand.

Hillary Clinton claimed she was turned down when she applied to enlist in the U.S. Marines in the early Seventies because she’s a woman. That’s not true. Recently-hacked Pentagon records reveal that the Marines decided to turn Hillary down because we weren’t THAT mad at the Viet Cong.

Donald Trump got in hot water Friday when an eleven-year-old tape surfaced of Trump using vulgar language to tell Billy Bush he likes to grab his lovers by their private parts. His supporters tried to explain it away. They said Trump is just trying to give women a hand up instead of a hand out.

NBC News in Los Angeles reported that a hiker on a mountain trail in Southern California is recovering after he fought off two bears that attacked him. He stared down one bear while the other attacked him. Fox News just hired him to protect Chris Wallace during next week’s final debate.

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton debated again Sunday in St. Louis. Hillary called Trump a racist and a sexist and then Trump called Hillary the Devil and he vowed to throw her in jail. In the spin room afterwards, the founder of Christian Mingle said that they were made for each other.

Birth of a Nation about the Nat Turner slave rebellion in antebellum Virginia opened in movie theaters this past weekend. The timing of the film’s release is in perfect sync with today’s racial tensions. It begins with the National Anthem to make sure everyone is seated for the start of the movie.

Donald Trump ripped House Speaker Paul Ryan on Tuesday, putting his campaign at war with Hillary Clinton, the Democrats, the GOP leadership and the GOP establishment. It’s terrific theater. One week ago, Trump’s slogan was Make America Great Again, and now it’s I’m Spartacus!

Donald Trump was accused by four women of groping them and of past beauty pageant mischief Tuesday. It doesn’t seem fair that Trump has to run two races at the same time. In order to win in November, Trump has to get more electoral votes than Hillary and more female accusers than Cosby.

President Obama addressed reporters at the White House Thursday and announced that plans are in place to send Americans to the planet Mars by the year 2030. It’s big news. NASA was very happy to hear it, however many people were disappointed they weren’t going to do it by Election Day.

Congressman Paul Ryan stepped on Donald Trump’s debate win Monday by declaring that he won’t campaign with Trump or defend his offensive comments. However he said he will continue to endorse Trump. The statement was part of Paul Ryan’s new duties as Speaker of the Waffle House.

The White House vowed a response to Russia for relaying e-mails to WikiLeaks that they hacked from the Democrats. You can’t make it up. The DNC is mad at Russia because they think they’re trying to manipulate the U.S. election by exposing how the DNC is trying to manipulate the U.S. election.

Tim Tebow was signing autographs after his rookie league game on Tuesday when a fan had a seizure and collapsed. Tim laid his hand on the fan, said a prayer and the man returned to life. Donald Trump just ordered his poll numbers to go to the ballpark tomorrow and get Tim’s autograph.

— Argus Hamilton

Last night was the presidential town hall debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, and the audience was made up of undecided voters — or as they’re also known, the worst people to be in line behind at Baskin-Robbins.

Trump later tried to downplay the comments, saying it was just locker-room banter. People didn’t know what was crazier, his excuse or the idea that Trump’s ever been to a gym.

A man in the audience asked Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump to say one positive thing that they respect about each other. At this point, both candidates claimed their microphone was broken.

The president just signed a law that will require men’s restrooms in federal buildings to have baby-changing tables. Or as most guys will call that, “Finally! A place where we can eat a sandwich!”

In a new MTV documentary with Macklemore, Obama says that when he was a teen he drank and did drugs, adding, “I pretty much tried whatever was out there.” When asked what made him stop, Obama said, “Stop?”

Happy 41st wedding anniversary to Bill and Hillary Clinton! Yep, they celebrated with a quiet dinner. A really, REALLY quiet dinner. “Did you say something?” “No.” “Good.”

A new national poll found that Democrats now have a significant lead over Republicans in the congressional races. Republicans said, “And there’s only one man to blame for this,” and Donald Trump said, “Exactly: Billy Bush.”

Trump is still under fire for the lewd and offensive tape that was released last week which he referred to as “locker-room talk.” Well now pro athletes are speaking out against this, saying that’s not how they speak in the locker room. While Tim Tebow said, “I don’t even like to say ‘Billy Bush!'”

A former “Apprentice” contestant says that Donald Trump didn’t know the names of all the women on the show, and would describe them by their bodies and looks. When asked about it, Trump said, “Which woman said that? Brown Hair/Lazy Eye or Blond Hair/Nose Job?”

Yesterday, Al Gore campaigned for Hillary Clinton at a Florida rally attended by 1,600 people. Unfortunately for Gore, a recount showed that it was only 1,300 people.

The third and final debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump is coming up in Las Vegas next week, and Hillary’s holding a contest where the winner gets to actually go watch it in person. Everyone was like, “Yeesh, what does the loser get?”

But the best email that’s been leaked so far claims that Hillary met with rapper Q-Tip last year to discuss how to appeal to hip-hop fans. The big takeaway for Hillary: Whatever you do, don’t try to rap. I guess the meeting with Q-Tip really affected Hillary because afterwards, she actually came up with some rapper names for herself. First, she tried Lil’ Wheezy. Then she tried Run DNC. And finally, she tried Wiz Deleeta.

— Jimmy Fallon

After a video surfaced of Donald Trump and Billy Bush making lewd sexual comments about women, NBC announced Bush would be suspended from the “Today” show indefinitely. Bush could not be grabbed for comment.

Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway said this morning that “Last night’s debate was a good night for democracy.” But I think what she really meant was, “Good night, democracy.”

Fox News’ Geraldo Rivera said this weekend that he has additional embarrassing tapes of Donald Trump. And if Geraldo thinks they’re embarrassing, you know it’s bad.

Donald Trump tweeted earlier today, quote, “It is so nice that the shackles have been taken off me and I can now fight for America the way I want to.” What shackles are you talking about? The only thing that ever shackled you was the 140-character limit on Twitter.

Hillary Clinton campaigned in Florida today with Al Gore. You’re making Al Gore go back to Florida? That’s so cruel. That’s like making Joe Frazier go back to Manila.

Donald Trump told supporters last night to go out and vote on November 28th, when Election Day is actually November 8th. Unless November 8th is just a lie being spread by the liberal media.

Trump’s campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, said this morning that Republicans should decide whether or not they support Donald Trump and “stop pussyfooting around.” That’s the worst choice of words since Abraham Lincoln said, “I need slavery like I need a hole in the head.”

Today was Yom Kippur, or as Gary Johnson calls it, “The capital of Thailand?”

Former House Speaker John Boehner says he still plans on voting for Trump even though he said, “Donald wasn’t my first choice, wasn’t my second choice, for that matter he wasn’t my third choice.” “Who was your fourth choice?” whispered Jeb.

During a rally in Florida yesterday Donald Trump boasted about his plans for ISIS and said he will “be their worst nightmare.” Oh, wow, so he’s also running for president of ISIS?

— Seth Meyers

The Washington Post on Friday leaked the behind-the-scenes 2005 video of Donald Trump chatting with Billy Bush on the “Access Hollywood” bus. Trump was caught on tape telling Billy about the time he tried to have sex with “Entertainment Tonight” reporter Nancy O’Dell. He says he took her furniture shopping. By the way, I want some follow-up, I want to know if that happened, and if it did, what did he buy her? A sizable item? A hutch or a dinette set? Are we talking ottoman?

One of the fascinating things that happened on Friday was, before the Billy Bush tape was released, all the news was about Hurricane Matthew. I thought Hurricane Matthew was going to come to California and get us, there was so much news.

The minute that tape came out, Hurricane Matthew just disappeared from television. The only channel that continued their round-the-clock coverage of the hurricane was Fox News because they didn’t want to talk about the Trump tape. Even the Weather Channel was like, “To hell with this, let’s go with the Trump tape!”

Donald Trump lashed out at a number of Republicans on Twitter today, the ones who have been distancing themselves from him. He called Speaker of the House Paul Ryan a weak and ineffective leader. He called John McCain foul-mouthed. He also tweeted, “It so is nice the shackles have been taken off me and I can now fight for America the way I want to.” This is how he’s been behaving with shackles ON?

A number of cable news outlets called it a tweet storm. During this terrible tweet storm I think we should take a moment to acknowledge Donald Trump’s thumbs because those chubby little baby carrots have been working so very hard lately, they’re worn down to the nubs and I applaud them for doing so much work.

Some very prominent Republican donors are reported to be asking for their money back. Because if there’s one thing Donald Trump is known for, it’s giving money back. Asking Donald Trump for your money back is like asking Chris Christie for a bite of his cheeseburger, it isn’t going to happen. You’ll have to pry it out of his cold, tiny hands.

We are 25 days away from the election and Donald Trump is burning up like a meteor entering the atmosphere. Five women have come forward this week to claim he behaved inappropriately with them, touching, etc., including a reporter from People magazine and former pageant winner. Which is very bad news for his campaign. The good news is, he just got an offer to be the spokesman for Jell-O pudding.

After that “Access Hollywood” tape came out, a number of prominent Republicans called for Trump to drop out. But now, because of the pressure from the “Trump-ublican” base, some of those who denounced him say they’re still planning to vote for him. They essentially un-unendorsed him so as not to anger those who might vote for them.

— Jimmy Kimmel

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