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In Case You Missed It Dept.:
Donald Trump on Tuesday blamed his constant sniffing sound during the presidential debate Monday on the sound engineers. The doubters were quick to jump all over him. All those people who said that Donald Trump was on cocaine probably once said the same thing about Charlie Sheen.
Donald Trump discussed the last debate with Bill O’Reilly on Fox News show week. He didn’t appreciate his opponent getting personal about his past women problems. Trump threatened to bring up Bill Clinton’s sex affairs, but Hillary’s not worried because the debate’s only ninety minutes long.
Hillary’s aides warned Trump if he brings up Bill’s sex scandals with bimbos, they have lots of sex scandals on Trump with beauty queens. Both men are seventy. This campaign is teaching Millennials the important lesson that no matter who you vote for, you can have sex till the day you die.
President Obama in a CNN town hall said he respects Colin Kaepernick’s anthem protest and added he respects the anthem and all it stands for. Once when Barack Obama was a little boy, his mom asked him if he chopped down the family palm tree. He said, Mother, I cannot tell a lie. Perhaps.
Hillary Clinton charged Friday that Donald Trump would do favors for Russia if he’s elected president after flattering words between the two. There is one favor asked. Vladimir Putin wants assurances that Miss Russia will win the next Miss Universe pageant no matter how much she weighs.
Donald Trump launched a Twitter attack on a former Miss Universe who’s been campaigning against him. She claims he fat-shamed her for gaining weight and slut-shamed her for porn. It’s all part of enjoying a close, thrilling and bitter presidential race between Donald Trump and himself.
Sky News reported that Taliban commanders held a watch party in Tora Bora last Monday to check out the presidential debate live via satellite. It’s obvious why. They were hoping that Hillary Clinton would divulge some classified secret information about U.S. plans in Afghanistan out of habit.
Washington University in St. Louis will host a second debate between Hillary and Trump next week. It could get wild. Last week Donald Trump threatened to bring up Bill’s adulterous affairs when they take the stage, but the Commission refused to extend the time of the debate to three hours.
Hillary and Trump appear poised to bring up each other’s sex scandals next debate. It made Americans yearn for simpler times. It’s hard to believe only four years ago, Americans were in an uproar because one of the candidates once drove his station wagon with his dog on top of the car.
Hillary Clinton spoke at a college in New Hampshire with Bernie Sanders on Tuesday to try to appeal to Millennial-age voters. Hillary played it very smart. In an effort to woo Millennial voters, she brought along Bernie, who appeals to Millennials because his ties are all between 18-34 years old.
The New York Times on Sunday published Donald Trump’s old tax return from twenty years ago. It revealed that Trump lost over nine hundred million dollars in just one year. So now, there’s no way Hillary can say Trump doesn’t have the experience it takes to be president of the United States.
New York Times reporter Susanne Craig said Donald Trump’s tax return arrived via U.S. Mail into her office mailbox in a manila envelope. The return address read The Trump Organization. The good news for Donald Trump is that he doesn’t have to do cocaine now in order to feel paranoid.
Hillary Clinton’s campaign advisors sought speechwriting help in order to make her funnier and more likeable while she’s giving a campaign speech. The problem is, you have to be happy in order to project happy. Hillary Clinton always looks like you just told her you wrecked her Mercedes.
Hillary Clinton returned to Ohio to campaign Monday in an effort to turn around her sagging poll numbers in the Buckeye State, where she’s fallen behind Trump. This tightening political race is proving to be the second-greatest challenge to Hillary Clinton’s political career. The first is stairs.
The Presidential Debate Commission agreed with Donald Trump’s claim that his microphone malfunctioned during the last debate. He blamed the microphone for his poor performance. Democrats claim Trump’s run out of ethnic groups to blame and he’s moving on to inanimate objects.
Kim Kardashian was robbed of her jewelry in a Paris hotel room by robbers dressed as cops on Sunday. Kim is a reality TV star who runs a successful business empire. That means if Donald Trump is unable to fulfill his duties as president of the United States, she takes over as first runner-up.
Donald Trump found himself tied with Hillary Clinton Tuesday in the Real Clear averages of nationwide polls. He has reason to believe that he’s improving. According to one poll, Donald Trump’s support among Hispanics is at zero percent, but that’s up ten percent from the month before.
Arnold Schwarzenegger posted pictures of himself at Oktoberfest in Munich with his eighteen-year-old son Joseph Baena whom Arnold had with his housekeeper. The son has great bloodlines. He’s half-Mexican and half-German, so there’s not a border in the world that can stop this kid.
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton debate again Sunday with America under siege. It’s totally nuts. The East has a hurricane, the West an earthquake warning, and white women in Middle America have been asked to chill with the make-up until we can get this clown situation under control.
USA Today reported a massive outbreak of creepy clown sightings across the United States on Tuesday. Calls lit up the switchboards in police stations from coast to coast. Emergency phone operators had to patiently explain to callers that what they were seeing was the vice presidential debate.
Donald Trump’s numbers held steady in the polls Monday after getting bashed over his old tax return and telling his Miss Universe to lose weight. Hillary denied running for president in order to pardon herself. I haven’t followed this election very closely but I may have stepped in it a few times.
Hillary Clinton ripped Donald Trump over what she called his past disrespectful treatment of women. She’s one to talk. If Hillary wins, America will be in safe hands if she commits to going after the nation’s enemies with the same ferocity she displayed going after the women Bill slept with.
Black Lives Matter vandalized the Trump International Hotel in Washington Saturday where they spray-painted graffiti at the hotel’s front entrance wall. The spray painting just caused more racial tension. Mexican and Puerto Rican artists are furious at Black Lives Matter for doing their act.
Donald Trump admitted Monday that he lost almost a billion dollars in 1995 when the Atlantic City casino business went bust. The staggering business setback punctured his reputation as a brilliant businessman. The only American with a more embarrassing loss that year was Marcia Clark.
The U.S. finished fifteenth in a poll Monday of the freest nations in the world. It’s sad. We were first in individual liberty, property rights, gun rights and religious freedom, but we tied for last place with North Korea in free speech on campus and in the workplace, and that dragged down the average.
— Argus Hamilton
Yesterday, LeBron James wrote an op-ed in which he endorsed Hillary Clinton. LeBron says he and Hillary are all about the same thing: taking forever to finally win something.
— Jimmy Fallon
A new report has found that despite his recent string of gaffes, Libertarian nominee Gary Johnson has four times as many newspaper endorsements as Donald Trump. So if you’ve got weed, he’s got papers.
— Seth Meyers
Donald Trump’s charity, the Trump Foundation, is no longer allowed to accept donations in New York. This is really bad news for anyone who thought, “I’d like to make sure my money gets to the people who really need it; I know, I’ll funnel it through Donald Trump.”
Supporters of Donald Trump are saying the fact that he lost a billion dollars and then didn’t pay income taxes for 18 years means he is a “genius.” They also say three marriages makes him a “feminist,” so it kind of works out.
Tomorrow night is the vice-presidential debate between Mike Pence and Tim Kaine. Experts expect a record number of people not to watch it.
This weekend, a person or persons spray-painted graffiti all over Donald Trump’s new Washington, D.C., hotel. Police have narrowed their list of suspects down to “50 percent of the country.”
Cleveland Cavaliers star LeBron James has endorsed Hillary Clinton for president. Experts say LeBron’s endorsement will help Hillary Clinton win in Ohio and lose in Florida.
During the final push of the election, Bill Clinton criticized Obamacare in a speech and said it’s “the craziest thing in the world.” It’s all part of Bill’s nationwide “Not Helping” tour.
It’s rumored that Donald Trump’s tax returns were leaked by one of Trump’s ex-wives. In other words, it could be anybody.
It’s come out that Donald Trump once rented an office to an Iranian bank that was later accused of terrorism. Today, Trump said, “How was I supposed to know that something wasn’t right with Jihadi Joe’s Savings and Loan?”
Julian Assange says he has secret information about both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, and that information may drastically change people’s views of these candidates. Americans replied, “Wait, it’s going to make us like them?”
— James Corden
But here’s the thing, as a real estate developer, he was able to use that loss to wipe out more than $50 million a year in taxable income over 18 years. Well, when life gives you lemons, don’t pay taxes.
Now, the idea that Trump hasn’t paid taxes in nearly 20 years is bound to be unpopular with — what’s the word — people. But according to the former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, Trump not paying taxes just proves how smart he is.
— Steven Colbert
The New York Times got its hands on a tax document from 1995, which shows Trump declared a $916 million loss that year which would have allowed him to avoid paying any income tax for 18 years. The documents were sent to the Times from inside Trump Tower. The trump campaign said the Times illegally obtained the documents and we all know how much Donald Trump hates hacking. So that’s no good.
— Jimmy Kimmel