Today’s Toons 10/3/16

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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

Hillary Clinton is prepared for Monday’s presidential debate after expressing her exasperation last week that she’s not leading Trump by fifty points. She’s publicly branded him as a racist, a xenophobe and a misogynist. She’s got to stop advertising for him, it’s only helping him in the polls.

Angelina Jolie’s decision to file for divorce against Brad Pitt on Tuesday was met with general relief by Hollywood’s liberal movie industry. The couple had become insufferably self-important. The last time Angelina and Brad dropped by the White House, they offered to adopt Sasha and Malia.

New York’s disgraced former Congressman Anthony Weiner faces possible prison time after he got busted Tuesday sexting a fifteen-year-old girl. He sent no lewd photos this time. Everyone in Hollywood agrees that Anthony Weiner should be a bigger star considering all the exposure he’s had.

Charlotte residents rioted, looted and burned Tuesday after one year of race riots in Baltimore and Ferguson, New York bombings, and mass shootings in Orlando and San Bernardino. It’s like we’re a Third World country. ISIS Friday issued a statement asking Americans to leave something for them.

Washington University in St. Louis will host the second presidential debate under a town hall format. There will be no breaks in case Mrs. Clinton suffers another prolonged coughing fit. However, like a Gallagher concert, the front three rows will be given plastic sheets for their protection.

Donald Trump tried to put the birther issue to rest last week when he declared that President Obama was born in the United States. It’s been a hot-button issue throughout American history. Donald Trump’s least favorite fact is that the first seven U.S. presidents were born in another country.

Hillary Clinton declined to take a neuro-cognitive test to vouch for her mental fitness. On the same day, Trump staffers had to deny charges he’s clinically insane. In Anglo-American legal traditions, the decision over who’s sane and who isn’t is generally made by the person with the key.

Washington University in St. Louis will host the second debate in October. Here’s how it will play out. Hillary will collapse and then Trump will rush over to help her, then the Secret Service will shoot him dead, and since he will be quiet, his poll numbers will go up and he’ll win the election.

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump showed up onstage at Hofstra University on Monday where they attempted to stage a debate about the serious issues confronting the American people today. It quickly dissolved into utter chaos. Laurel and Hardy looked better pushing a piano up the staircase.

Donald Trump took dead aim at the Obama coalition during the debate Monday in the way he framed his comments. He supported child care to woo women voters, he backed urban enterprise zones to court minority voters, and he spent the entire debate sniffing to court the Beverly Hills voters.

Donald Trump vowed to put Gennifer Flowers on the front row in Monday’s debate to throw Hillary off her game. What fun. However the idea was scotched when Mrs. Clinton threatened to retaliate by inviting Donald Trump’s first wife, Trump’s second wife and the Mayor of Atlantic City.

Hillary Clinton’s spokeswoman said early Monday that Hillary is prepared to shatter the glass ceiling and be the first woman elected president of the United States. She loves the sound of that glass breaking. Hillary’s the reason all the White House china looks like it’s been glued back together.

The New York Post reported Tuesday that the presidential debate on Monday between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton drew eighty million viewers. However, the voters could only draw one conclusion. Let’s face it, the biggest problem with this presidential election is that somebody could win.

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump battled it out in Monday’s debate in New York. The debate drew an audience of over eighty-five million viewers. The next morning, Donald Trump walked outside and saw that he is leading in the polls, and traditionally this means six more weeks of comedy.

Rush Limbaugh explained Trump’s nasal sniffing during the debate as a failure by the sound engineer to properly muffle the microphone. It was distracting. For ninety minutes, it sounded like Trump was either doing cocaine or he’d rented a deviated septum from Charlie Sheen for the debate.

The New York Post published a list of Hillary’s past mistakes, lies and legal misadventures for Trump to use against her next debate. The newspaper is a huge New York tabloid. Bill Clinton is so angry at the Post for constantly criticizing Hillary that he’s threatened to cancel his personal ads.

The National Review ripped President Obama for his attempt to close down the Guantanamo Bay prison in Cuba by releasing the terrorists and sending them home. What’s disturbing is the recidivist rate. Even the turkey Obama pardoned last November is back on the streets committing crimes.

American Heritage ran a character profile of all the presidential candidates the last sixty years and said going from Adlai Stevenson and Eisenhower to Hillary and Trump is a steep decline in presidential leadership. Remember when George Washington couldn’t tell a lie? Now everybody can.

Hillary Clinton spoke in New Hampshire Wednesday where she ridiculed the notion of Donald Trump being in charge of the United States nuclear weapons codes. A nuclear war would destroy the entire planet. Nobody thinks Hillary will push the button but everyone’s afraid she might fall on it.

Donald Trump appeared on Bill O’Reilly’s show on Fox News Wednesday where he discussed his new poll numbers and his strategy for the second debate. Trump laughed off all those jokes about him sniffing throughout the first debate..It sounded like he was fighting off a cold with cocaine.

Hillary Clinton was joined by her former rival, socialist Bernie Sanders, at a university in New Hampshire Wednesday to try to appeal to Millenial voters who adored Bernie. For such a lovable guy, Bernie doesn’t laugh much. Jokes about socialism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them.

FBI Director Jim Comey received a grilling in the House on Wednesday over Hillary’s e-mail scandal after he gave five people immunity, filed no charges and two witnesses blew off House subpoenas. It’s bad. Right now, Hillary Clinton needs a new scandal like an ISIS hostage needs a hat.

FBI records leaked Wednesday showed eight thousand encounters between the law and terror suspects on the Mexico border last year. It’s bad. In a new poll, seventy percent of Americans said they disapprove of Obama’s Open Border policy and the remaining thirty percent said, no comprende.

— Argus Hamilton

A White House email account was hacked and a lot of their information was leaked yesterday. They’re saying the information was stolen from the Gmail account of a low-level staffer. Then Joe Biden was like, “Technically, my title is vice president.”

It was reported today that due to his role in the Bridge-gate scandal, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie could face impeachment. When he heard that, Christie said, “MMM, peach, mint.”

The debate was actually split into several themes. America’s direction, America’s prosperity, America’s security, and then strangely “America’s ninja warrior.”

There were actually 1,000 people in the audience tonight and they were instructed not to applaud or cheer during the debate. As people watching were like, “What about sobbing? Can we quietly sob?”

In addition to costumes, they also banned balloons and drones. Which explains why Trump uninvited Chris Christie and Ben Carson.

A lot of celebrities are sharing their views of the election. In an interview with Rolling Stone, Bruce Springsteen called Trump a moron. Which is why now Trump’s starting a rumor that Springsteen wasn’t really born in the USA.

The second presidential debate is just 11 days away, and this one will have a town hall format. The first question will be, “Why’d you have to do this in OUR town?”

It’s reported that even the Taliban actually had a debate viewing party. So for the first time, it looks like they’re torturing themselves.

Hillary Clinton actually went to her granddaughter’s second birthday party instead of preparing for the first debate against Trump. I guess she figured being around a bunch of screaming toddlers might help her even more.

While speaking to students at the University of New Hampshire yesterday, Hillary Clinton said, “Isn’t this one of the strangest elections you’ve ever seen?” And then college kids were like, “Uh, we’re 18. It’s the ONLY election we’ve ever seen.”

Bernie Sanders is also campaigning with Hillary. Yesterday, he asked a crowd at one of her rallies, “Is everybody here ready to transform America?” Followed by his next question, “Does anybody here remember where I parked?”

Donald Trump is reportedly angry that his advisers are saying that he struggled during the first debate. Then his advisers were like, “Oh, so you CAN hear us.”

— Jimmy Fallon

After tonight’s debate, several Fox News analysts said that Hillary Clinton was the clear winner. So maybe global warming IS a hoax because hell has frozen over.

Pundits are noting that this year’s group of debate moderators is the most diverse in history, featuring an African-American, two women, a Filipino, and an openly gay man. Trump was like, “I think I’ve heard this one before, but go ahead.”

Ahead of tonight’s debate, Hillary Clinton posted an article on Twitter pointing out that no living president has endorsed Donald Trump. Nice try, Hillary, but it just so happens that Vladimir Putin is living.

Madonna reportedly bought her son a Donald Trump piñata this weekend to celebrate his birthday. A Donald Trump piñata is just like a regular piñata, except there’s nothing inside.

Green Party candidate Jill Stein was escorted off the Hofstra University campus this afternoon after she tried to talk to reporters outside of tonight’s debate without proper credentials. As she was being dragged away by police she shouted, “Don’t you know who I am?” and they said, “No. No one does.”

A man in Washington State was fined this week for trying to drive in a carpool lane with a cardboard cutout of Donald Trump glued to his passenger seat. Cops became suspicious when Trump’s mouth wasn’t moving.

In an interview yesterday, Libertarian nominee Gary Johnson was unable to name any world leaders when asked who his favorite head of state was. Wow. This might have cost him the election.

America Online founder Steve Case endorsed Hillary Clinton for president today. Although the last thing Hillary wants to hear is “You’ve got mail.”

— Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton has asked “Shark Tank’s” Mark Cuban to attend tonight’s debate. Trump was furious and said, “A billionaire reality star has no business being at a presidential debate.”

Before tonight’s debate, President Obama told Hillary Clinton, “Be yourself.” Then Obama told Donald Trump, “Please, please, please be yourself.”

Hillary Clinton is campaigning with Bernie Sanders for the millennial vote. They’re trying to get millennials with the opening line, “Hey, our combined age is approximately one millennium.

At the next debate, Donald Trump is threatening to talk about all of Bill Clinton’s affairs. Hillary’s not too worried, because the debate’s only 90 minutes.

Donald Trump is still being mocked for promising in the debate to “cut taxes bigly.” Trump has apologized, and promised in the next debate he’ll “speak more goodly.”

Last night, Donald Trump told an audience that before Monday’s debate — this is a quote — “I pretended I was talking to my family.” Then he admitted he frequently accuses his family of deleting emails and creating ISIS.

Hillary Clinton has vowed to crack down on hackers who launch cyberattacks. She said, “If anyone’s going to abuse U.S. government computers, it’s gonna be me.”

Yesterday, Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson was giving a television interview and was unable to name a single foreign leader. Hmmm… sounds like SOMEONE wants to be Donald Trump’s secretary of state.

— Conan

We all just watched Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton debate for an hour and a half. Coming into tonight’s debate, Democrats were divided between two strong emotions: panic and pants-crapping.

Democrats have not been this nervous since Anthony Weiner asked to borrow their phone.

Meanwhile, Donald Trump had to not commit murder — on camera.

Meanwhile, Hillary was so prepared, my new nickname for her is Preparation H. Yeah, it’s a compliment. In the primaries, she already proved she could “soothe the Bern.”

Of course, it did not take long for one of these two candidates to tell a lie. [clip of Hillary saying, “Donald, it’s good to be with you.”] False! Where are the fact-checkers? Pinocchio!

The debate was moderated by NBC’s Lester Holt, which makes sense since he hosted “Dateline” and is used to two rich white people who want to murder each other.

We are still trying to figure out who won Monday’s presidential debate. Democrats say Hillary won, while Republicans are strong in their conviction that there are still two more debates.

A recent poll shows Clinton has the support of just 31 percent of likely voters under 35. So Hillary’s doing everything she can to attract young people. That’s why, for the first time since July, she appeared on the campaign trail this week with that millennial heart-throb, Bernie Sanders.

Bernie! They really like him. He really connects with millennials, because a lot of his clothes are also 18 to 30 years old.

— Steven Colbert

Tonight the main event from Hofstra University in Hempstead, New York: Donald Trump vs. Hillary Clinton in the first of three presidential debates. It was a long 90 minutes. But the results are in and not a single voter changed their mind. A huge waste of time. It’s very hard to believe that there are still undecided voters. The choice is pretty orange-and-white.

The experts said in order to win, Hillary Clinton had to project an image of competence, experience, wisdom, health, and vitality, without coming off as angry, bookish, or overbearing. Donald Trump had to not mention his [genitals].

This was expected to be the most-watched debate ever. The ratings were expected to rank up with the finale of “Cheers,” the finale of “M.A.S.H.” Makes sense, in a way this election feels like the series finale of America.

According to Forbes magazine, Donald Trump’s wealth is down $800 million from last year. He’s only worth $3.7 billion now, and I’ll tell you something, Mexico is going to pay for it.

But the good news is, while his net worth may be down, his self-worth is at an all-time high.

Meanwhile, Donald Trump has a new scandal to deal with today. According to Newsweek, in 1998 he spent $68,000 on a business venture in Cuba. Which was illegal because of the embargo. Trump, of course, denied the allegations. He said there’s no such place as Cuba.

Remember when Mitt Romney almost had to drop out of the race because he put his dog on the top of the car? They were simpler times.

— Jimmy Kimmel



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