This Thread Brought To You By The Letters C & L:
In Case You Missed It Dept.:
The New York Post says New York state assemblyman Bill Nojay won his primary election last Tuesday even though the guy had been dead four days. He won because his name remained on the ballot after he’d died. It gave Democrats hope that Hillary Clinton could win this thing either way.
Colin Powell was revealed in hacked e-mails Tuesday to have ripped Hillary, Trump and Dick Cheney. He calls Hillary greedy, Trump a disgrace and Cheney insane. He also once called Saddam Hussein the possessor of weapons of mass destruction, but nobody bats a thousand in the big leagues.
Donald Trump allowed Jimmy Fallon to mess up his hair on the Tonight Show Thursday. He seems relaxed and he’s going with the flow. Donald Trump dropped his claim that President Obama was born in Kenya and he’s now focused on promoting the theory that Hillary Clinton is legally dead.
Hillary Clinton tried to rebound from a very tough week Thursday by reopening her campaign in North Carolina. Her comeback was buoyed that very day when her face appeared on the October cover of Women’s Health magazine. It got Hillary a nomination for the Nobel Prize for Misdirection.
New York City’s Guggenheim Museum unveiled an eighteen-carat gold toilet Thursday which will be installed in a unisex bathroom on the first floor of the museum for anyone to use. What a generous gift. The solid gold toilet is on loan to the museum from Donald Trump’s backup airplane.
The Las Vegas Sun ran a poll Thursday saying that Donald Trump has surged into a tie with Hillary Clinton in Nevada. It’s demoralizing to many. Just when Nevada thinks it owns the title of the place where Americans make the poorest choices of their lives, along comes Hillary or Trump.
Homeland Security admitted Monday that thousands of immigrants from dangerous countries in the terror zone were granted U.S. citizenship due to fingerprinting errors. You can’t make it up. The election is becoming a battle between a Basket of Deplorables and a Boatload of Deportables.
New Jersey police arrested New York and New Jersey bomber suspect Ahmad Khan Ramani after a shootout with police Monday. Twenty-eight people were injured by the blasts. Officials were grateful there weren’t any more because the medical staff at Chelsea Clinton’s apartment was already stretched thin.
ISIS celebrated the New York and New Jersey bombings committed by Ahmad Khan Ramani before his capture Sunday. The bombing suspect is a twenty-eight-year-old Muslim who recently returned from a trip to his native Afghanistan. The Obama administration is still looking for a motive.
New York bombing suspect Ahmad Khan Ramani was caught by New Jersey cops Monday for setting off the two bombs in New Jersey and Manhattan. The administration refused to link him to ISIS. The good news is, he’s got a pair of tickets to the sold-out Cat Stevens concert if anybody wants them.
President Obama cited the Obama Doctrine as his legacy at the U.N. Tuesday. It says if a man wears a dress and calls himself a woman, we have to believe him and let him use the ladies room. But if he bombs New York in the name of Allah and ISIS takes credit for it, we musn’t jump to conclusions.
The Hollywood Reporter said Monday’s debate between Trump and Hillary may break the TV record of a hundred twenty million viewers. It was set by the bombing of Baghdad on the first night of the Persian Gulf War a quarter century ago. We hope the election turns out better than THAT did.
Hillary Clinton flew to Philadelphia Monday to give a speech to the college students at Temple University’s student union. She admitted that she has some work to do to be more successful in connecting with young voters. She began by explaining that her cough is caused by dirty bong water.
Hillary Clinton spoke to college students at Temple University Monday and needed help climbing the stairs to leave after her speech. Thank goodness she didn’t pass out while she was onstage. Any woman who passes out at Bill Cosby’s alma mater just adds to his legal headaches.
New York’s disgraced Anthony Weiner was busted sexting with a fifteen-year-old girl. This’ll help him when he runs for Congress again. He can do his door-to-door campaigning at the same time he is required by law to go to each house in the neighborhood to let them know he is in the area.
Hillary Clinton diagnosed Donald Trump as paranoid for ever doubting that President Obama was born in the U.S. We’re all a little bit paranoid. The other day, I thought that someone was talking about me because my ears were burning, but then I realized was talking on a Samsung phone.
Donald Trump took questions from the crowd at his Cleveland rally Wednesday where he said he thinks that police powers to Stop-and-Frisk can help put an end to black-on-black crime. This is big news. Donald Trump is finally reaching out to black voters, but it’s to check them for weapons.
Charlotte, North Carolina, erupted in race riots over a black cop shooting and killing a black suspect. The TV cameras did show one scene of human brotherhood. They showed a black guy and a white guy and a Hispanic guy running down a street, and they were carrying a TV set together.
Donald Trump addressed a massive rally in Ohio Wednesday and he kept them entertained for over an hour. He’s figured out that politics has become fully wed to pop culture. Donald Trump opened his speech by blaming Barack Obama’s weak domestic policy for Brad and Angelina’s divorce.
Lester Holt said the debate will center around America’s direction, achieving prosperity and U.S. security. Then Lester heard from NBC ad sales. Now Holt says the debate will center around sex with beauty pageant contestants, unfaithful spouses, crooked real estate deals and lying to Congress.
— Argus Hamilton
Hillary Clinton is here and today is my birthday! Later we’re going to bring out a cake and let Hillary cough out the candles.
Last week Trump revealed his child care proposals, including a plan to guarantee six weeks of paid maternity leave. Mothers will get six weeks off, as long as their babies can produce their long-form birth certificates.
It was announced that you’ll be able to watch next week’s debate on Twitter. So, finally a way to see Trump say something really crazy on Twitter.
I saw that on Monday Donald Trump met with the Egyptian president in New York City while he’s in town for the U.N. General assembly. Trump said he’s always felt connected to Egypt, mostly because Trump University was a huge pyramid scheme.
Singer Marilyn Manson recently said he doesn’t plan on voting, because he doesn’t like Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump. That story, again — the 2016 election: Too scary for Marilyn Manson.
— Jimmy Fallon
Donald Trump held a press conference Friday where he announced that he believes President Obama was born in the U.S. Said Trump, “I hope that settles the issue. That Muslim was born here.”
Donald Trump accused media outlets this morning of deliberately editing his words to make him come across in a bad light. Also making Trump come across in a bad light – light.
President Obama’s half-brother, who lives in Kenya, told reporters this week that he will be voting for Donald Trump in the country’s mock U.S. election. Oh, that’s got to sting for Trump — an Obama wants to vote for him, but it’s the one with the Kenyan birth certificate.
Donald Trump said at a campaign rally yesterday that he would put Syrian refugees in safe zones, and make Middle Eastern countries pay for them, adding, “There’s nothing like doing things with other people’s money.” “You said it, baby,” said Melania.
Tomorrow is the first day of fall. I am so excited to watch Donald Trump change colors.
A new poll has found that almost 70 percent of voters say they have concerns about Donald Trump’s rhetoric. And the other 30 percent said [shows photo of Trump’s sons], “Which one’s Rhetoric?”
— Seth Meyers
It’s come out that Hillary Clinton is having a hard time connecting with millennial voters. So now she’s saying that last week’s coughing spell was actually due to a massive bong hit.
Today, Donald Trump told an African-American audience, “Black churches are the conscience of our country.” In response, the crowd said, “Yes, that’s why we’re not voting for you.”
Donald Trump falsely claimed that NBC News anchor Lester Holt is a Democrat, when he’s actually a registered Republican. In other words, Trump just alienated the one black guy who might have voted for him
Fox News has forbidden Sean Hannity from appearing in any more campaign ads for Donald Trump. Fox said, “We want to appear neutral while covering the race between Mr. Trump and that Sickly Lying Witch.”