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In Case You Missed It Dept.:
NBC News interviewed professional clowns at a clown convention in Florida on Tuesday who worry about all the recent scary clown sightings in Ohio, Wisconsin and Pennsylvania. No one is able to get near them. The clowns refuse to stop scaring people till one of them gets elected president.
NBC Today Show host Matt Lauer was denounced by Democrats for going so easy on Donald Trump during the NBC’s Commander-in-Chief town hall that Lauer hosted Wednesday. He really got steamrolled. Matt Lauer put up so little resistance that Bill Cosby just phoned him to have a drink.
Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson in an MSNBC interview Friday was asked by a reporter what the U.S. should do about Aleppo. In reply, he asked, what is Aleppo? Gary Johnson is the country’s foremost champion for legalizing marijuana and he just set the cause back a hundred years.
Gary Johnson laughed about his geography screw-up Thursday saying he thought Aleppo was an acronym when the reporter asked him what he thought about Aleppo. It could have been worse. When Sarah Palin was asked the same question, she replied that Aleppo is her favorite Marx Brother.
Hillary Clinton vowed to pass a Pathway to Citizenship bill for illegal immigrants Friday while Trump was cozying up to Putin. It’s all politics. Hillary has to be nice to Hispanics or she’ll lose her votes out West and Donald Trump has to be nice to Putin or Putin will cut off his supply of wives.
Journal Parasitology named a parasitic flatworm after Barack Obama as a compliment to the president. It’s the first time a parasite was named after a president. They waited to announce it until Rush Limbaugh went off the air Friday to keep him from laughing so hard it gave him a heart attack.
Colin Kaepernick’s refusal to stand for the National Anthem was joined by other players this week. It’s impossible for NFL players to live outside today’s issues. Rumor has it that Tom Brady doesn’t understand what the big deal is about Hillary Clinton destroying cell-phones with a hammer.
Hillary Clinton collapsed while waiting for a Secret Service van to evacuate her from a World Trade Center attack remembrance in New York Sunday. She’s caught pneumonia. Hillary made the mistake of slipping out into the general public on Friday and a Basket of Deplorables breathed on her.
Hillary Clinton’s campaign admitted after a nine-hour stall that she had pneumonia Sunday but would be fine after a rest and antibiotics. Donald Trump was gracious. When Trump heard that Hillary caught pneumonia he stopped by a gift shop and bought her a Get Well in Two Months card.
Hillary Clinton’s campaign initially explained she’s overheated during a World Trade Center remembrance Sunday. She left the event early. While waiting for the van to take her away, Hillary collapsed and then fainted, which alarmed Democrats, concerned Republicans and aroused Bill Cosby.
Hillary Clinton’s campaign staff was ripped Monday for claiming she’s healthy while she had walking pneumonia, on top of her coughing fits, concussion, and blood clots. It’s been like this for a quarter century. Hillary Clinton can’t even get old and sick without requiring a Special Prosecutor.
The New York Post interviewed TV executives Monday who predicted that the first presidential debate between Trump and Hillary could draw Super Bowl-size ratings. Debate negotiations are in the final stages. Right now the candidates are fighting to make sure their gurneys are the same height.
Hillary Clinton spent Tuesday in bed at home taking antibiotics for her pneumonia. Everyone pitched in to cheer her up. Bill brought Hillary a bowl of chicken soup from her favorite deli, Barack sent up a box of chocolates and Trump had a basket of deplorables delivered right to her door.
Politico ran photos of Hillary Clinton drinking water to negate rumors she’s not taking care of herself and staying hydrated as she recovers from pneumonia. It’s galling for her. Hillary’s had a touchy relationship with water ever since that young girl from Kansas used the stuff to kill her sister.
Hillary Clinton took antibiotics at home for her pneumonia Tuesday after everyone witnessed the video of her passing out in New York Sunday. She’s dropped five points in the tracking polls. When Hillary blamed the drop on the video, the House Benghazi Committee hauled her back in to testify.
Hillary Clinton’s campaign conceded Monday they should have divulged Hillary’s pneumonia when they claimed for nine hours Hillary just got overheated at the World Trade Center memorial event. Nobody bought that story. We all know that Bill is the one who gets overheated and bed-ridden.
Donald Trump is scheduled to release his medical records Thursday which were leaked earlier this week. It’s a mixed bag. It reads that Donald Trump’s heart and his lung lungs are in great shape, however his Narcissistic Personality Disorder cannot be treated, it can only be voted into office.
President Obama met with health care CEOs in Washington Tuesday to urge them not to drop out of Obamacare coverage. It doesn’t look good. The White House asked Americans who like Obamacare to send in their photo, and so far the only picture they’ve gotten is from Anthony Weiner.
TV Guide editors estimated Tuesday that the first presidential debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump could draw over one hundred million TV viewers. The nation will be riveted by the format. The first presidential debate will consist of a complete physical followed by a colonoscopy.
New York Assemblyman Bill Nojay won his Democratic primary Tuesday even though he was under an FBI corruption probe and committed suicide last week. This is far from over. Bill Nojay can still win in November after Hillary Clinton’s physician wrote a letter pronouncing him fit to serve
Hillary Clinton recovering in Chappaqua met with her White House transition team. They are buying up Samsung Galaxy Note 7 smart phones. That way, after the next scandal and court order to hand over her cell phone records, they can honestly claim she can’t because the phones exploded.
Colin Powell ripped Hillary Clinton in hacked e-mails Tuesday citing her mafia-like staff and her husband sleeping with bimbos at home. He also called Donald Trump a national disgrace. Colin Powell’s political motto is, why run for president when you can start the war and blame Bush?
Donald Trump tried to lay aside any question about his physical condition and personal health by appearing on the Dr. Oz Show that taped on Wednesday. The show aired on Thursday. Millions of Democrats tuned into the show see if Donald Trump would ask Dr. Oz for a heart, a brain or courage.
Hillary Clinton agreed Thursday to remove the Clintons’ name from the Clinton Health Care Initiative Foundation if president. It wasn’t her idea. The Clinton name will be removed from the foundation at the request of Health, otherwise Health is threatening to sue Hillary for false advertising.
Donald Trump spoke at an African Methodist Church in Flint Wednesday and vowed to clean the city’s water supply. He also vowed to bring jobs to the inner cities. Trump is trying to recover his street cred after he stood for the National Anthem before the New York Jets opener home Sunday.
— Argus Hamilton
Hillary Clinton had to walk back a comment she made about Trump supporters last week. So, if you’re keeping track, Trump supporters are deplorable, and Hillary supporters are deportable.
Hillary was just diagnosed with pneumonia. And to everyone’s surprise, Trump has refused to attack her while she’s sick and even said that he hopes she feels better. At which point, people started asking Trump if he was feeling OK.
I guess Trump really does want her to get better, because today he sent her some flowers in a basket of deplorables.
Donald Trump taped an appearance on “Dr. Oz” today to discuss his health and his diet, and reportedly told Dr. Oz that he likes fast food because, “At least you know what they’re putting in it.” Then workers at Taco Bell and Arby’s said, “You keep telling yourself that.”
Donald Trump’s childhood home in Queens is going up for auction next month. Apparently, the house has five bedrooms, or as Trump calls it, “20 walls.”
The upcoming movie about President Barack Obama’s college years reportedly shows a young Obama shirtless, smoking cigarettes and smoking weed. Or as the president calls him: 2017 Obama.
We have Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump on the show tonight, which means security is very tight. On their way in, everyone in the audience had to put their keys into a tray and their deplorables into a basket.
Hillary Clinton is featured in the upcoming issue of Women’s Health magazine. While next month she’ll be featured in “Bad Timing” magazine.
— Jimmy Fallon
Donald Trump said this week that Vladimir Putin has been a leader far more than our president has been a leader, and he’s got a point. I mean, if President Obama was as strong a leader as Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump would be dead by now. That would be the difference.
Fox News anchor Chris Wallace, who will be moderator for the final presidential debate of election season, said in an interview this week that he doesn’t feel it’s his job to call out the candidates when they lie. “Super!” said Hillary and Donald at the same time.
Hillary Clinton upset Republicans this weekend after she accused half of Trump supporters of belonging to a basket of deplorables, which is also Trump’s usual order at KFC. “I will have the 12-piece basket of deplorables. Tremendously crispy.”
Hillary Clinton left the Ground Zero memorial service early yesterday because she felt overheated. Said Trump, “Hey, if anyone’s too hot it’s my daughter Ivanka.”
Following an uproar over her hidden pneumonia diagnosis, Hillary Clinton said yesterday that she just didn’t think it was going to be that big a deal to keep the illness from going public. Sure, when has keeping a secret ever hurt a Clinton?
Hacked emails from former Secretary of State Colin Powell show he recently referred to Donald Trump as “a national disgrace” and “an international pariah.” Trump was like, “Listen, I love Pariah. I have all of her albums. So that’s a compliment to me.”
— Seth Meyers
Donald Trump said he wishes Hillary Clinton a speedy recovery from her pneumonia. He said, “Get well soon, you shrill, lying crook.”
Some conspiracy theorists are claiming that Hillary Clinton is so sick that she’s been using a body double. When Bill Clinton heard about it, he said, “Man, I wish.”
A new poll shows that Donald Trump is now leading in Nevada. Which actually makes sense, since 50 percent of Nevada voters are also failed casino owners.
In the leaked emails from Colin Powell, he calls Donald Trump “a national disgrace.” Trump was furious and said, “Hey, I’m an international disgrace.”
The White House has announced that America will accept 110,000 refugees next year. Meanwhile, Canada announced if Donald Trump wins, they’ll accept 110 million refugees.
During a campaign rally yesterday, Donald Trump said, “You think Hillary Clinton could stand up here for an hour?” Then he debuted his new campaign slogan, “I Can Stand Up for an Hour.”
Ivanka Trump abruptly ended an interview with Cosmopolitan magazine because she felt the questions were “unfair.” Of course it’s understandable, most of us wither under the intense political grilling of Cosmopolitan magazine.
Ivanka Trump cut short an interview with Cosmo because of what she said was all the “negativity.” Which is weird because all the interviewer said was, “So, your dad is Donald Trump, right?”
If you think that a presidential candidate appearing on “Dr. Oz” is ridiculous, later Donald stopped by the Maury Povich show and found out that he is not the father.
Tomorrow, Hillary Clinton is going to be cleared of all email charges by Judge Judy.
— James Corden
It has been a rough week for Hillary Clinton. She has been dropping in the polls, and over the weekend, even her immune system turned against her. No surprise — all the white blood cells are voting for Trump.
Most damaging of all may have been a remark she made at a fundraiser on Friday when describing Trump’s voters as a “basket of deplorables.” Wow. Hillary should put her insults in “the hamper of awkwardness.”
— Steven Colbert
I don’t know if you saw this but some interesting photos of Donald Trump were released today from the year 2000. There he is [shows photo] at the U.S. Open with his then-girlfriend Melania, former President Bill Clinton and a lady in a Playboy Bunny shirt. How perfect is this photograph? Look at those two bitter enemies sizing each other up. It looks like the first three minutes of a “Girls Gone Wild” video. It represents the United States at its peak. Before 9/11, before ISIS, before “Celebrity Apprentice” — just two horny dudes yukking it up with a couple of swimsuit models.
This is probably why Trump hates Hillary. She ruined this for them. She took his wing man away.
— Jimmy Kimmel