Today’s Toons 9/5/16

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A Wall Street Journal poll showed that fifty percent of American voters consider the possibility of voter fraud a major problem in the presidential election this fall. So it’s an even split. The other fifty percent wondered who’d possibly want to rig the election for either of these two candidates to win.

U.S. Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte was dropped by his four sponsors Monday after he trashed a gas station in Rio then tried to pass it off as a robbery. He’s a born gag writer. When Ryan Lochte told reporters he didn’t lie, he exaggerated, Hillary Clinton offered him a hundred dollars for the joke.

Hillary Clinton went on the Jimmy Kimmel Show in Hollywood on Tuesday where she opened a pickle jar to prove her fitness for the White House. That’s not enough for people in L.A. Until she tries on the bloody glove no one’s going to believe she didn’t kill the guy who turned in her e-mail.

The House Oversight Committee will question FBI director Jim Comey in two weeks about his progress in investigating Hillary for perjury over her House e-mail testimony last year. Hillary lives in a two-story house in Chappaqua. One story she tells Congress, the other story she tells the FBI.

Dr. Drew Pinsky’s TV show on the Headline News Network was cancelled Thursday less than a week after he publicly said he was worried about Hillary Clinton’s health from what he saw. Word got around fast. The next day Dr. Oz diagnosed Hillary Clinton’s medical condition as immortal.

NASA scientists announced they’ve discovered a planet just like Earth four million light years away from Earth which may have water, oxygen and our same climate. They found this planet ten weeks before either Hillary or Trump gets elected president. If that’s not perfect timing, then what is?

Jimmy Kimmel denied Hillary Clinton’s pickle jar lid was loosened before she opened it on his show Tuesday to prove she’s healthy. It was ever thus. Hillary Clinton can’t even open a pickle jar without it looking suspicious enough for a special prosecutor to have to be appointed to investigate.

Donald Trump decidedly softened his position regarding deportation of illegal immigrants on Thursday after his new advisors said he needs Hispanic votes to win. That’s a real challenge. A new poll shows Trump trailing by ten points in New Mexico and by one hundred points in Old Mexico.

Donald Trump arrived in Las Vegas Friday where he announced he will unveil a new softened plan on illegal immigration in two weeks, upsetting conservatives. It’s a lot like the weather in Oklahoma. If you don’t like Donald Trump’s position on illegal immigration just wait fifteen minutes.

Hillary Clinton raised ten million dollars from movie stars at Hollywood parties last weekend in Los Angeles. Just a month ago the stars all backed Bernie Sanders. The way you determine the number of people at a Hollywood party is that you count the number of faces and then divide by two.

Hillary Clinton refused to answer shouted questions about her email scandal and the Clinton Foundation donor access to her at State Friday. Experts say Hillary’s campaign strategy is to ignore the controversies and run out the clock. It’s the same strategy she uses to stay married to Bill.

The Minnesota Vikings will unveil their new stadium on NBC this Sunday night. It’s got a see-through roof and two gigantic jumbo screens. In addition it has a plush reclining chair on the sideline for Colin Kaepernick to sit in during the national anthem when San Francisco comes to town.

San Francisco quarterback Colin Kaepernick refused to stand for the national anthem Friday, saying it stands for racism even though he himself was adopted and raised by white parents. He’s now in talks with Hollywood to make a movie about his childhood. It’s called Eighteen Years a Slave.

A German scientist working in a laboratory in Israel created a sonic black hole on Friday. The sonic black hole is when sound waves can’t escape from a fluid moving faster than the speed of sound and creates total silence. If only he could’ve perfected it before this election cycle began.

Donald Trump will deliver a nationally televised speech today from Phoenix in which he will lay out his immigration plan for the border. Trump spent the last week making his original plan a little more humane. Instead of building a wall, he only wants a heavy curtain or a moveable partition.

The New York Post columnist Cindy Adams wrote fondly of Donald Trump’s days in the Seventies when he chased beauty pageant winners all over town. We know one thing, if Trump is elected president he cannot be blackmailed for any skeletons in his closet. He’s proud of every one of them.

Donald Trump continued referring to Hillary Clinton as Crooked Hillary in a tweet Sunday in which he dared Crooked Hillary to release her medical records. That could backfire on the GOP candidate. Paula Jones has already testified under oath in federal court that Bill was the crooked one.

The New York Post confronted disgraced ex-Congressman Anthony Weiner with more details about his sexting sprees with women on the Internet Tuesday. One of the women is a porn star. When asked how it’s possible to get involved in such a sleazy situation, the porn star couldn’t answer.

Hillary Clinton spoke at fundraisers in the Hamptons Tuesday, painting herself as the national security candidate. Hillary received her intelligence briefing from the CIA over the weekend. She learned that the three biggest cyber-threats to U.S. security are China, North Korea and Hillary Clinton.

Donald Trump was driven through Los Angeles in a Secret Service motorcade Tuesday flanked by a dozen LAPD motorcycle cops. It’s joint security. The Secret Service was there to protect Trump from the people of Los Angeles and the LAPD was there to protect the people of Mexico from Trump.

San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick refused to stand for the National Anthem last Friday, saying he’s protesting racial oppression in America. Nothing he did was illegal. Under California law, everyone is entitled to their opinions, as long as they’re politically correct and to the left of center.

The Clinton Foundation’s donor list resulted in press scrutiny of donors and their subsequent access at Hillary’s State Department. Donors don’t want the publicity. To fill this need, the Home Shopping Center is merging with CSPAN so you can buy a politician in the privacy of your own home.

Hillary Clinton was found Tuesday to have met with Bahrain’s prince after he’d donated forty-two million to the Clinton Foundation. Now that’s talent. Based on the just-released batch of Hillary’s pay-for-play emails, Obama missed the boat by not appointing her Secretary of the Treasury.

The Los Angeles Times daily poll had Donald Trump four points in the lead over Hillary this Tuesday. The Hollywood fundraisers may have backfired. Hillary’s lost eight points in the polls since last weekend, when Barbra Streisand announced she’s leaving the country if Trump gets elected.

Donald Trump met with Mexico’s president in Mexico City Wednesday and met with reporters afterwards. At the press conference, he was measured, diplomatic and gracious. Afterwards the Secret Service stayed behind in Mexico to see who kidnapped Donald Trump and substituted an actor.

Donald Trump surprised the world Wednesday and accepted Mexico’s president’s invitation to fly to Mexico City and meet with him in Mexico’s presidential palace. Trump has a ninety percent disapproval rating in that country. Most Mexicans refer to Donald Trump by his nickname, El Pinata.

Anthony Weiner was visited by Child Services after a picture showed him in bed texting sexual selfies to women as his toddler son lay next to him. It’s a sign of the times. There was once a time in America when dads taught their boys how to play baseball and football, not hot nurse and the orderly.

— Argus Hamilton

The Washington Post published an entire biography of Donald Trump that’s 431 pages long. Trump said it’s a little longer than the books he likes to read, by about 431 pages.

The Trump biography also reveals that he doesn’t have a computer at his desk in Trump Tower. Instead, every five minutes he just shouts at his secretary, “Barbara! Google me!”

Donald Trump is trying to turn his poll numbers around and recently told his supporters that if he’s elected, the White House will become the people’s house. He was like, “Because I ain’t living in that dump. I’m going to get a mansion down the street and I’ll check in every other week.”

Anthony Weiner’s wife, Huma Abedin, has decided to finally separate from him after his latest sexting scandal. So ladies: He’s single!

Donald Trump weighed in on this, saying that our national security may have been compromised by the scandal because Weiner’s wife had access to Hillary’s security briefs. I wouldn’t worry though, ’cuz Weiner’s only sharing the stuff that’s in his own briefs.

Donald Trump gave a big speech on immigration last night. And during the speech, he said that Mexico is 100% going to pay for his, quote, “beautiful border wall.” Mexicans were like, “Wait, you never said it was going to be beautiful. Who do we write the check out to?”

Rudy Giuliani spoke at Donald Trump’s rally last night after he got back from Mexico and debuted a new campaign hat. This is real. We did not make this up. It reads, “Make Mexico great again also.” They didn’t stop there. They also debuted another hat that says, “Oh, yeah, I guess we better make Canada great again, too, while we’re at it, in addition to the United States and Mexico.”

— Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump’s campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, spoke about Trump’s new immigration policy over the weekend, and said he will ensure that enforcement is humane. Humane? I don’t think it’s a good sign when a candidate is talking about undocumented immigrants the same way KFC talks about chickens.

Hillary Clinton has begun pledging $30 billion over the next decade to retrain coal miners to be able to work in newer technology businesses, so get ready for an interesting trip to the Apple Store.

Hillary Clinton spoke yesterday about her preparation for the upcoming presidential debate, and told reporters, quote, “I do not know which Donald Trump will show up.” Yes — will it be the kind, generous and intelligent Donald Trump, or will it be the one who exists?

Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway said in an interview today that Donald Trump’s focus on a border wall is because “a wall is something very easy for people to understand.” Whereas tax returns, super complicated.

An African-American pastor who is a prominent Trump campaign surrogate tweeted out a cartoon of Hillary Clinton in blackface yesterday and accused her of pandering to black voters. Clinton responded calling the accusations, quote, “untrue” and “wack as hell, dawg.”

— Seth Meyers

Donald Trump is challenging Hillary Clinton to release “detailed medical records.” This marks the first time Trump’s ever been interested in the body of a woman over 40.

On Sunday in California, several dozen Latinos held a rally for Donald Trump. They were a group calling themselves “Latinos Who Don’t Really Follow the News.”

Both candidates are practicing for the debates, and according to insiders, Hillary Clinton is still trying to find a stand-in for Donald Trump. So far the best she’s come up with is a car alarm stuffed inside a rotting pumpkin.

This November, Californians get to vote on whether or not to legalize recreational marijuana. They can either forget to vote in person, or forget to vote by mail.

Last night, Donald Trump said if he’s elected, he will employ a “deportation task force.” It’s not really necessary, because if he’s elected most people will probably leave voluntarily.

In his speech last night, Donald Trump proposed new screening to prevent violent extremists from entering the U.S. In response, Trump’s supporters said, “But we’re already here.”

A new poll reveals that supporters of both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are motivated by fear, not excitement. And third-party candidate Gary Johnson supporters are motivated by being related to Gary Johnson.

A prominent Latino Trump supporter announced today he is withdrawing his support for Donald Trump. He said, “I would have done it sooner but I just came out of a year-long coma.”

— Conan

The first presidential debate is now less than one month away and apparently the candidates have two very different ways of preparing. Hillary Clinton pores over briefing books, thick with policy arcana and opposition research. Meanwhile, Donald Trump is all about spectacle. One former aide said “Trump wants to be a showstopper in the Roman coliseum, the main event at WrestleMania.” Which makes sense since just like pro wrestling, you look at Trump’s campaign and say “That’s got to be fake!”

— Steven Colbert

Donald Trump’s doctor, Harold Bornstein, has been making the rounds to defend his unusually effusive report on the candidate’s health . . . He wrote, “If elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.” I guess that means he did physicals on Obama and Reagan and Lincoln, too.

Dr. Bornstein now says he wrote the letter in five minutes and used hyperbole because being rushed makes him anxious. So, well, he should see a doctor about that.

On September 26th Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton will face off in a debate at Hofstra University. The Clinton campaign is using psychology experts to create a personality profile of Trump to figure out what his approach might be. I don’t know, are they preparing for a debate or trying to catch the Zodiac Killer?

According to a new poll, 54 percent of Republican voters don’t believe Trump was the best choice to be their party’s nominee for president, they wished they’d picked someone else. Kind of like when you go to buy a shirt. You see all these shirts, plain patterns, regular shirts. They look OK but not exciting. Then tucked in the middle of all these plain shirts, you see this totally awesome shirt. It’s bold. It’s different. It doesn’t play by the other shirts’ rules. You buy it, you get home, you try the shirt on, you look at yourself in the mirror and then your wife walks in and says, “What the hell are you wearing?”

Donald Trump maintains that he will build a [border] wall. A beautiful wall. He keeps saying the wall will be beautiful. You know, there are some people who think we need to build a wall; I don’t think anyone’s requiring that it be beautiful. It seems like a simple basic wall, maybe from IKEA, would do the trick.

He also said there will be no amnesty for immigrants who come into this country illegally, which is very bad news for his next three wives.

— Jimmy Kimmel

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