This Thread Brought To You By The Letters C & L:
In Case You Missed It Dept.:
Donald Trump proposed screening immigrants by a process he called Extreme Vetting to root out subversive people. Thank goodness it’s just for immigrants. I mean to be a good American citizen, but my FBI file reveals that early in life I was radicalized by Robert E. Lee and Richard Pryor.
Donald Trump began surging in the polls last week, resulting in media concern. The voters are tense. A new poll on Friday said three out of five Texans favor secession from the United States if Hillary gets elected president while the other two favor secession no matter who gets elected president.
President Obama was criticized for golfing at Martha’s Vineyard Thursday while foreign and domestic crises raged. However a president is always on the job. It’s rumored that Obama just sent four hundred million dollars in cash in a cargo plane to Brazil to get the U.S. swimmers out of Rio.
Olympian swimmer Ryan Lochte lied that he and three U.S. swimmers were robbed at gunpoint in a Rio gas station. They trashed a bathroom, paid a security guard for the damages, then lied to cover up the vandalism. Hillary Clinton gave the lie a six, which isn’t even good enough for a Bronze.
Rio cops moved to indict Ryan Lochte and a fellow U.S. men’s swimmer for filing a false police report. It’ll pass. Critics say they embarrassed the United States, but if embarrassing the United States were a federal crime, Joe Biden would be serving life in prison under the Three Strikes Law.
Hillary Clinton vowed to be president for all the people who voted for her and against her last week. She thinks of everything. Hillary was the first First Lady ever to have an office in the East Wing while Bill Clinton’s office in the East Wing will be the first one with a surveillance camera in it.
U.S. Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte tweeted a half-apology for trashing a Rio gas station with three other swimmers. He paid the security guard for the damages and made up a story about it to the cops. Ryan Lochte now claims that Colin Powell suggested he lie about being robbed at gunpoint.
The Nixon Library in Yorba Linda disclosed plans to show an exhibit displaying the mistakes made by Richard Nixon while he was in the White House. All U.S. presidents are reflections of their times. President Nixon put a man on the moon and President Obama put a man in the women’s room.
U.S. Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte was dropped by four sponsors Monday after he drunkenly trashed a Rio gas station at six in the morning then tried to pass it off as an armed robbery. It brought our nation together. Everybody agrees that Ryan Lochte is such an idiot he should be running for president.
The New York Post said Monday Hillary Clinton’s aide Huma Abedin edited a radical Muslim journal that opposes women’s rights. Huma has enough problems with her husband’s misbehavior. The other day Anthony Weiner walked into a Kinko’s for the first time and asked to see their sex toys.
Melania Trump sued the Daily Mail for saying she worked as a New York call girl while in the U.S. with an expired visa in the Nineties. This is a serious matter. It could derail Trump’s campaign if he was found to have married an illegal call girl who took the job away from an American call girl.
President Obama flew down to New Orleans Tuesday, then traveled up to Louisiana’s stricken flooding zone where he consoled flood victims, called for donations and praised rescue workers. The president looked as tired as everybody he met. For the past year he’s been working a ninety-hole week.
Hillary Clinton was found Tuesday to have scheduled half of her Secretary of State telephone meetings with Clinton Foundation donors. It looks like access-buying. Hillary is so afraid the media will blow this up into a huge story that she just asked Ryan Lochte to make up another robbery.
Donald Trump launched his minority outreach Wednesday by addressing a crowd in Jackson, Mississippi, a city that’s eighty percent black. He began his speech by asking blacks and Hispanics to trust him as president. It’s always a smart idea to open with a good joke to get the crowd on your side.
Donald Trump conducted a town hall meeting in Austin Tuesday where he said he would meet with the president of Mexico if elected U.S. president. A day before, the president of Mexico said he would meet with Trump if he were elected president. It’ll be just the two of them and their food tasters.
The White House wired over one billion dollars to Iran shortly after flying them four hundred million cash on a cargo plane. This didn’t go unnoticed. Three health insurance companies are thinking about taking U.S. hostages till Obama pays them a fair price for covering all these deadbeat sick people.
— Argus Hamilton
Donald Trump’s campaign chairman Paul Manafort was forced to resign on Friday following news that he had pro-Russian ties. Which really upset Trump, because he insists having all his ties made in China.
There are life-sized nude statues of Donald Trump. They showed up in cities across the country. You’d be walking in the park, and you see this statue [shows images]. Forget building the wall, Trump should just put a bunch of those things at the border
The New York City Parks Department actually released a statement on the naked Trump statue after they took it down. This is completely real — they said, “New York City Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
A 12-year-old boy is actually running one of Trump’s campaign offices in Colorado. When asked how an inexperienced child could be running things, the boy said, “Look, he’s the nominee and we’re stuck with him.”
After more than a year of promising mass deportations of undocumented immigrants, last night Donald Trump actually referred to them as “great people.” Even Ryan Lochte was like, “Get your story straight, man!”
Melania Trump is getting ready to sue the British newspaper the Daily Mail for writing that she once worked as an escort. Yep, Melania says she strongly denies the accusation that she has ever worked.
Trump will be the first president to make decisions by playing “Hot or Not” with world leaders. Like, “Angela Merkel, not hot. Vladimir Putin, very hot.”
The Boston Globe just reported that according to his campaign staff, Donald Trump wouldn’t take any vacations as president. I think that’s because he has offended so many other countries he can’t leave this one.
— Jimmy Fallon
A new poll released today shows Hillary Clinton is 9 points ahead of Donald Trump in New Mexico. And 100 points ahead in Old Mexico.
Hillary Clinton held fundraisers today in Silicon Valley. Said Hillary, “It’s so great to be back here in the town where I was built.”
Hillary Clinton had a phone interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper last night — and she HAD to do it by phone, because nobody could possibly lie to that face.
Donald Trump’s running mate Mike Pence tweeted six pictures of himself stopping to get a burger in North Carolina yesterday. Chris Christie was like, “OK, now he’s just rubbing it in.”
— Seth Meyers
Donald Trump has been saying that Hillary Clinton looks unwell. Trump then admitted he thinks any woman over 35 looks like she’s dying.
This weekend, Donald Trump tried to win over black voters by asking them, “What the hell do you have to lose?” Coincidentally, that’s also the way he proposed to all three of his wives.
The Trump campaign said pollsters aren’t counting people who are afraid to say they’re Trump supporters. That’s right, because Trump supporters are very, very shy.
According to Hillary Clinton’s newly-released medical records, she suffers from seasonal allergies. But she just takes some Benadryl and they’re all deleted.
Experts say Hillary Clinton’s campaign strategy is to ignore the controversies, and just run out the clock. By the way, that also happens to be Hillary Clinton’s marital strategy.
On Saturday, Hillary Clinton will receive her first official intelligence briefing as a candidate. Officials plan to tell Hillary about threats to U.S. cybersecurity such as Russia, China, and her.
Donald Trump’s campaign is now saying he didn’t change his immigration plan, he just changed the words he used to describe it. They also said Trump hasn’t been married three times, he’s just changed the person he calls “wife.”
After being criticized on the MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” program, Donald Trump took to Twitter to attack hosts Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski, alleging that they are having an affair. Trump tweeted, “Someday when things calm down I will tell the real story of Joe and his very insecure girlfriend Mika. Two clowns.”
Trump is reporting celebrity gossip. Like he is like half running to be “Prez” and half running to be Perez Hilton.
Also he says “when things calm down.” You’re running for president; assuming you win, things are never going to calm down. Trump thinks it’s going to be all right, he’s like, “Now that I have taken Iran, the debt crisis and ISIS, I can really blow this Joe Scarborough thing wide open.”
In a new election bombshell, the State Department has been ordered by a federal judge to produce nearly 15,000 of Hillary Clinton’s unreleased emails. I don’t want to say Hillary is worried about this story blowing up, but today she asked Ryan Lochte to make up another robbery.
Journalists have tried contacting Hillary about this damaging email development. Unfortunately, they keep getting auto-replies that say “Sorry, I am out of the Oval Office until January.”
In other Clinton news, her campaign manager, Robby Mook, said in an interview on CNN that they are having a hard time finding someone as “hateful” and “divisive” as Trump to go up against Hillary in her practice debates. It seems like it’d be easy to prep for a Trump debate — just get a parrot and train it to say three things: “email,” “wall,” and “huge.”
— James Corden
Donald Trump is accusing Hillary Clinton of being too ill, too frail to be commander in chief. Rudy Giuliani made a suggestion to go online and look up “Hillary Clinton illness” – if it’s on the internet, you know it must be true.
— Steven Colbert
At first Donald Trump came out with guns blazing, said he’s going to kick all the Mexicans out, he’s going to build a wall to keep them from coming back in. Last night during a town hall on Fox News he said he could be softening, which is normal, it happens to a lot of men his age.
He’s now agreed to give immigrants a 30-minute head start before he tries to catch them with a net.
— Jimmy Kimmel