Today’s Toons 8/15/16

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Politico reported Melania Trump’s work visa twenty years ago expired by the time she married Donald Trump so he married an illegal alien. This’ll kill him at his age. Every time Donald wants to have sex, he must climb over the wall running down the middle of their bed he made Slovenia pay for.

President Obama explained the four hundred million dollar payment to Iran Thursday as the payment of an old debt in the Seventies. They need the cash. Right now, the Iranians are fighting ISIS over control of Iraq, in a war that has more Is in it than an Obama speech about somebody else.

President Obama held a press conference at the Pentagon Thursday where he pointed out that ISIS is losing ground and resources. The Pentagon has changed its strategy in the campaign to destroy ISIS. Instead of sending cruise missiles they’re sending President Obama’s economic advisors.

Gold Star father Khizr Khan went on CNN to rip Donald Trump for wanting to restrict Muslim immigration. Khan says the Constitution requires unlimited Muslim inflow. Trump just asked one of his kids to go get killed in Syria so he may be allowed to express an opinion on U.S. immigration policy

Hillary Clinton spoke to a convention of the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers in Las Vegas Thursday. She was in Vegas the night before where a cyber-security hackers convention held a fundraiser for her. All proceeds went to teach Hillary Clinton how to use a secure smart phone.

Donald Trump was hit by a poll Friday which said half of GOP leaders hopes he drops out of the presidential race. His screw-ups have really hurt him in the polls. Democrats are so confident they’re going to win the election they just released Barack Obama’s original Kenyan birth certificate.

The White House said it’s importing ten thousand Syrian refugees by October. They’ve painted a yellow line down the middle of the refugee trail. That’s so that the refugees from Syria coming into the U.S. for a safer life do not crash into the refugees from Chicago going to Syria for a safer life.

Donald Trump asserted that courts striking down voter ID laws could lead to a rigged election this fall, claiming people without ID could vote ten times. He’s concerned. The Fox News poll on Friday has Trump down ten points and the MSNBC poll said Hillary’s been president for three weeks

President Obama told reporters Thursday he signed so many prisoner commutations due to harsh old drug laws. He just signed pardons for over two hundred federal criminals, many of them serving life sentences. In a related story, the NFL just canceled next year’s college player draft.

Rush Limbaugh signed a new deal to remain on radio for another four years Tuesday. At age sixty-five, his only health worry is a past arterial spasm he mistook for a heart attack. To celebrate his new contract, Hillary sent him a double-chili cheeseburger and an extra-large order of steak fries.

President Obama denied paying a four hundred million dollar ransom to get U.S. hostages released in Iran The minute the plane landed with the cash, the hostages were let go. For a guy who’s touted as one of the world’s great intellects, you’d think Obama would know what the meaning of ransom is.

The White House admitted on Tuesday the four hundred million it sent to Iran may go to ISIS because it’s cash. Obama was advised it’d go for infrastructure. It’s the worst advice a president’s gotten since Mary Todd Lincoln told Abe it wouldn’t kill him to take her out to a show once in a while.

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump suffered record low numbers polls Monday for their ability to inspire confidence and for trustworthiness. This election could make America a religious country once again. In Utah, the two candidates will be listed on the ballot and God Save Us and God Help Us.

The Wall Street Journal predicted a chaotic election in November due to the hateful campaign rhetoric being slung by both sides. The market is unsure. Stockbrokers are advising investors that whether Clinton or Trump wins, the smartest buys right now are canned goods, water and ammunition.

Black Lives Matter movement issued its demands to the U.S. government over past grievances Friday. It followed La Raza’s demands for Latin Americans and LGBT demands over bathroom designations. The U.S. would have the greatest economy in history if only being offended paid better.

Iran released a video showing the U.S. hostages not being allowed to take off until the U.S. cargo plane landed in Iran with the four hundred million in cash. It’s a hot campaign topic. Donald Trump has bounced back in the polls by insisting he could have saved us forty percent on the ransom money.

Donald Trump suggested Tuesday that Americans use their Second Amendment rights to stop Hillary from naming judges if elected. He later clarified he meant gun owners are unified. Donald Trump’s great skill is saying whatever’s on his mind and afterwards making it look like mental illness.

Hillary Clinton visited a Miami health clinic where she blamed Republicans for the Zika virus Tuesday. It’s ominous. While she was in Miami Hillary got bit by a Zika mosquito, and the mosquito spent all day sucking the blood out of people in exchange for access to State Department contracts.

Donald Trump complained Tuesday that the moderators assigned to the presidential debates are biased. Ratings will be huge. The prospect of a showdown between Hillary and Trump is of great benefit to three groups– the voting public, the TV news industry and comedians with mortgages.

London bookmakers posted Hillary Clinton a seventy percent chance of defeating Trump for president. There are ninety days left until we vote. If this campaign were a horse race, Lock Her Up would be leading by six lengths with Off the Rails coming up fast on the backstretch from behind.

Donald Trump drew huge crowds in Virginia Tuesday, baffling the pundits. He’s shrugged off the establishment GOP and created his own party. The number of Republicans who have come out against Trump is now leading the number of Bill Cosby accusers by a score of sixty-three to sixty.

Donald Trump’s poll slide had the GOP wondering if he wants to win Tuesday. People forget he’s an American man. He’ll win, but first he wants to get his poll numbers below fifteen percent so he doesn’t have to participate in the debates and can watch the two NFL games he’d have missed.

Hillary Clinton drew criticism from the Wall Street Journal for her plans to increase federal spending Tuesday. Enough is enough. The Postal Service announced Tuesday it lost a billion and a half dollars in the second quarter, making it by far the most profitable branch of the U.S. government.

The Clinton Global Initiative was caught in e-mails pushing the State Department for a favor for a big donor, making Hillary look like she was running a pay-for play operation. It gives her the chance to make more history. Hillary could become the first Clinton to enter the Oval Office pre-impeached.

Donald Trump ad-libbed Monday that Second Amendment fans may halt Hillary from naming liberal judges, and all hell broke loose. He got no help. Democrats accused Trump of encouraging someone to shoot Hillary and Republicans explained maybe he was just trying to impress Jodie Foster.

The Olympic Track and Field events will be televised today from Maracona Stadium in Rio de Janeiro. The athletes are affecting the U.S. presidential race. During the trials, when Mexico’s pole vaulter was able to clear eighteen feet, Donald Trump announced the wall will be twenty feet high.

— Argus Hamilton

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