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In Case You Missed It Dept.:
Hillary Clinton hired ABC producer Shonda Rhimes to create her DNC convention video. She created Scandal, Grey’s Anatomy and How to Get Away with Murder. Like all employers who are hiring, Hillary uses that keyword-matching software to read resumes and find the perfect person for the job.
Hillary Clinton accepted the Democratic nomination Thursday and gave thanks to President Obama. He’s done everything he can to help her beat Trump. Last week alone, President Obama gave Hillary a ringing endorsement speech, he gave her his donor list, and he released John Hinckley.
Bill Clinton brought down the house Tuesday with his speech before the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia on behalf of Hillary Clinton’s candidacy. In the speech, Bill revealed the first time he proposed to Hillary, she turned him down. Of course, Bill was proposing a threesome.
Hillary Clinton gave her acceptance speech to the Democratic convention Thursday, becoming the first woman ever to be nominated for president. The female delegates went absolutely wild. Hillary hasn’t made women scream like this since she used to walk into the Oval Office unannounced.
Baltimore seethed after charges were dropped against police in the accidental death of Freddie Gray while he bounced around in the back of the patrol wagon. They’re all free now. In her last act, Debbie Wasserman Schultz asked the driver if he’d chauffeur Bernie Sanders to the convention.
The Gallup Poll showed both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump with record high disapproval ratings on Friday. It showed what most Americans want is a good stiff drink, a comfortable place to sleep and to not wake up till the morning after the election. Where is Bill Cosby when you need him?
USA Today quoted a Brazilian doctor Friday who said that Olympic athletes competing in the games in Rio will literally be swimming in human waste. Bring it on. The U.S. swim team has been training under these conditions the last two weeks by watching the GOP and Democratic conventions.
Democratic VP candidate Tim Kaine drew big cheers at a Hillary rally at Temple University Friday. The campaign wants him to cut down on the comedy. During his convention speech, Tim Kaine did such a good Trump impression, he’s now leading Hillary by five points in the Gallup Poll.
The FBI began investigating the hacking of Hillary Clinton’s campaign e-mail on Friday. This followed the hacking into the e-mails of the DNC and Hillary’s own e-mail scandal. To win this election Democrats need to go back to cheating on their spouses if that can keep them off the Internet.
The White House said Russia might be behind the hacking of Democratic National Committee computers and exposing secret back-room deliberations. It makes my head spin. There’s not a Baby Boomer alive who’d have thought that a free press in America would be brought back by the Russians.
The Gallup Poll said Friday seventy percent of Americans believe the country is headed in the wrong direction and seventy percent don’t like Hillary and seventy percent don’t like Trump. This nation is an absolute mess. If America died right now, police would say there were signs of a struggle.
Melania Trump deleted her professional website over the weekend after it was found to be lying about her graduating from college in Europe. She lied then deleted the evidence to cover up the lies. Two weeks ago, Melania was doing Michelle Obama’s act and now she’s doing Hillary Clinton’s.
Donald Trump was late to his Colorado speech Sunday because he got stuck in an elevator for a half hour. Firemen had to lower a ladder to get him out of the elevator. In his next three speeches, he called for a temporary halt on immigration from any nation that has people named Otis living in it.
Donald Trump’s campaign roared into the critically-important state of Florida Tuesday where Hillary Clinton will also be campaigning. They have no fear of contracting the Zika virus that’s spreading by mosquitoes in Florida. Bloodsuckers will not bite politicians out of professional courtesy
The New York Post reported huge newsstand sales of this week’s paper which published nude photos taken twenty years ago of Melania Trump. The GOP owns this issue. About the best reply the Democrats can do is to publish depositions taken twenty years ago describing Bill Clinton’s penis
Donald Trump tangled with a Muslim Gold Star couple recruited by the Democrats whose son was killed in Iraq over Trump’s desire to screen immigrants from terrorist states. Trump insisted he too has sacrificed for his country. Whenever Donald Trump goes to the hair stylist he dyes for his country.
The White House admitted the U.S. flew four hundred million cash to Iran in January on the day the five U.S. hostages were released. It was tense. We weren’t sure that the Americans were coming home until President Obama told Iran if they like their hostages, they can keep their hostages.
The White House admitted sending four hundred million dollars in a cargo plane to Iran in January as U.S. hostages were released. That was one safe flight. Just before takeoff in Washington, the FAA voted the cargo plane least likely ever to get hijacked by the terrorists and flown into a building.
Hillary Clinton vowed she’ll be at all the debates after Trump objected to the first two being on TV opposite NFL games. If Trump wants to watch football during the first two debates, it’s no problem. Over the years, Hillary has changed her position on so many of the issues that she can debate herself.
Donald Trump enjoyed a laugh at his rally in Florida Tuesday when a crying baby interrupted his speech repeatedly. Trump kiddingly ordered the Secret Service agents to get the baby out of here now. Following orders, the agents grabbed Trump and hustled him backstage to the green room.
Arcadia, Iowa had a parade that included a float built like a jail cell with a Hillary look-alike standing in the cage dressed in an orange jumpsuit. Townspeople threw water balloons at her. So much for the national outrage over Donald Trump insulting a Muslim-American lawyer last week.
— Argus Hamilton
There are now less than 100 days left until the presidential election. Or you could say, there are now less than 100 days left … period.
I saw that Apple CEO Tim Cook will hold a fundraiser later this month for Hillary Clinton. He had a long list of terms and conditions for the event, but Hillary just said “Agree!” without really reading them.
Donald Trump had yet another awkward moment today. Apparently there was a crying baby at one of his rallies, and Trump actually kicked it out, saying, “Get the baby out of here.” It backfired when the Secret Service tried to remove Trump.
Hillary Clinton said this weekend that she’s going to be at all the presidential debates, despite Trump protesting the schedule. Hillary said that even if Trump doesn’t show, she’s changed her positions enough that she can just debate herself.
A new survey finds that Hillary Clinton has more support in the marijuana industry than Donald Trump. Or in other words, Hillary Clinton will definitely win the vote of people who won’t remember to vote.
I saw that Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega has picked his wife to run as his vice presidential candidate. Then Bill and Hillary looked at each other for a second and went, “Nah, nah.”
— Jimmy Fallon
Many veterans’ families are speaking out against Donald Trump after he began attacking the parents of a Muslim-American soldier, calling Trump repugnant. Said Trump, “I’m the most repugnant. No one is more repugnant than me. Real quick, what does repugnant mean?”
In the last 24 hours, Donald Trump has refused to endorse Republican leaders up for re-election, accused John McCain of failing veterans, suggested Americans pull their 401(k)s out of the stock market, threw out a crying baby at a rally, fought with the father of a dead soldier, and suggested President Obama was responsible for the death of troops during George W. Bush’s time in office. Said voters, “Yeah, but I’m not sure I trust Hillary Clinton.”
Happy birthday to President Obama who turned 55 today! He made a wish and blew out the candles, but then when he opened his eyes, he was still president.
A Fox News national poll found that people prefer Hillary Clinton to Donald Trump by 10 points. While an MSNBC poll found that Hillary Clinton has already been president for two years.
Donald Trump yesterday met with RNC officials who reportedly grew so angry with Trump during the meeting that they yelled at him, “Do you realize how badly you’re screwing this up?” Said Trump, “The best? I’m screwing it up the best, right?”
— Seth Meyers
Last Thursday at the Democratic convention, the parents of a fallen U.S. soldier criticized Donald Trump, and over the weekend, he repeatedly lashed out at them — which got me thinking, is there anyone Donald Trump won’t attack if they say bad things about him?
Remember a few months ago when future former President Barack Obama got Iran to release four American prisoners? Well, it turns out he forgot to tell us about a small shipping and handling fee. Because as the prisoners were freed, $400 million was flown to Iran on a plane loaded with cash. Don’t you hate it when you’re on an airplane and you get stuck sitting next to $400 million? You don’t know who gets the armrest.
This week Trump attacked a Gold Star family, seemed happy about getting a Purple Heart as a gift — ‘cuz it was so much easier than EARNING one — and appeared to feud with a crying baby at a campaign rally. Things have gotten so bad that Trump’s allies are plotting an intervention. An intervention! “They love you Donald, and the first step to recovery is admitting that YOU’RE the problem.”
Trump and his party raised $82 million last month, much of it from small donations, with supporters pitching in $10 to $25 apiece. And they can feel good knowing that every dollar will help Donald Trump reach his ultimate goal — attack ads against Paul Ryan.
— Steven Colbert
Today Donald Trump came up with a new nickname for Hillary Clinton, “The Devil.” I like how he says “it’s true,” as if he traveled to Hell and confirmed it himself.
Calling your opponent the devil, that’s going to be tough to reel back in if he loses and has to make a concession speech. “Today I called the devil and congratulated her on her victory. I’m disappointed but we now unite behind our president the devil.”
Trump tweeted a photograph last night showing him feasting on Kentucky Fried Chicken with a knife and fork. And a spoon, even. What’s more relatable than a man in a suit eating fried chicken with utensils on board his private jumbo jet?
I don’t know who’s advising him. Who eats KFC with a knife and fork? I don’t even need a plate. The reason it comes in a bucket is you don’t need anything. All you need is a face to eat KFC.
He’s even picking fights with fellow Republicans. He refused to endorse Arizona Sen. John McCain, refused to endorse Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, even though both endorsed him. It’s like “The Real Housewives of Orange-Face County.”
According to multiple reports, Donald Trump’s campaign staff is becoming extremely frustrated by his behavior and his unwillingness to stay on message during the cam campaign. I don’t blame them — who could have ever guessed he would do something like this? He’s usually so low-key.
The head of the Republican National Committee, Reince Priebus, is said to be absolutely furious. They say he has not been this angry since he found out his name was Reince Priebus.
Hillary Clinton supporters had a fundraiser tonight at a cyber security convention in Las Vegas; all the proceeds will go toward teaching Hillary how to use her email account.
Donald Trump also offered birthday wishes on Twitter this week. He wrote, “President Obama will go down as perhaps the worst president in the history of the United States.” It’s sweet, though, because he said “perhaps,” and he wouldn’t do that on any other day.
You know if Trump becomes president, he’s definitely going to make his birthday a national holiday, right? “Sorry, Lincoln, you’re a loser and you are out.”
— Jimmy Kimmel