LOS ANGELES, Aug. 2 (UPI) — Patton Oswalt is struggling to pick up the pieces in the wake of his wife’s death.
The 47-year-old actor and comedian said he’s “crawling” but no closer to “closure” in a Facebook post Monday, more than three months after wife Michelle McNamara died suddenly at age 46.
“Thanks, grief. Thanks for making depression look like the buzzing bully it always was,” Oswalt wrote. “Grief makes depression cower behind you and apologize for being such a [expletive].”
“102 days at the mercy of grief and loss feels like 102 years and you have [expletive] to show for it,” he said. “You will not be physically healthier. You will not feel ‘wiser.’ You will not have ‘closure.’ You will not have ‘perspective’ or ‘resilience’ or ‘a new sense of self.'”
McNamara, a writer, died in her sleep April 21. An official cause of death has yet to be revealed. Oswalt admitted the loss left him “facedown and frozen for weeks,” but said he’ll “start being funny again soon” as life continues to go on.
“It’s 102 days later and I can confidently say I have reached a point where I’m crawling,” he said. “Which, objectively, is an improvement. Maybe 102 days later I’ll be walking.”
“I’m going to start telling jokes again soon. And writing. And acting in stuff and making things I like,” the star shared. “It’s all I knew how to do before I met Michelle. I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do now without her.”
Oswalt, who is dad to 7-year-old daughter Alice with McNamara, told TIME in May that his wife’s death “left a blast crater” in their lives. The actor is known for The King of Queens and will appear on the new Hulu series Dimension 404.