This Thread Brought To You By The Letters C & W:
In Case You Missed It Dept.:
Donald Trump soared to the lead over Hillary Clinton in a poll Friday. Surveys show nobody trusts Hillary and Trump scares people. A mugger pointed his gun at a guy’s head in Central Park and asked if he was voting for Hillary or Trump, and the guy told him to just pull the damned trigger
Daily Variety reports Democrats are angry over the Netflix hit Orange is the New Black being snubbed in the Emmy nominations. Not enough voters have Netflix. Polls show too many Emmy voters think Orange is the New Black is a series about Trump succeeding Obama in the White House.
President Obama held a White House summit between members of Black Lives Matter and the police Wednesday. The exasperation in the community is palpable. We’re getting to the point in the United States where you can’t even tell a cop to screw off and try to grab his gun, and not get shot.
Donald Trump was reported Thursday to have selected Indiana governor Mike Pence to be his vice presidential running mate. It wasn’t even close. Pence is believed to have had the inside track with Donald Trump the whole time because Pence sounds like money and it rhymes with fence.
France suffered another radical Islamic attack Thursday when a Muslim truck driver ran over scores of people celebrating Bastille Day in Nice. It never ends. Americans waited a full day for President Obama to declare that Islam is a religion of peace and to call for stricter truck control laws.
Donald Trump went into the Republican Party Convention in Cleveland Monday riding a hot streak against Hillary in the new presidential polls. However polls in Ohio and Pennsylvania give Donald Trump zero percent support from black voters. Experts agree that number sounds a little high.
Hillary Clinton’s health came under question Friday over the skull fracture she suffered three years ago when she fainted while standing in Bill’s office and hit her head on his desk on the way down. This defies the laws of physics. Every other woman hit her head on his desk on the way up.
The GOP convention nominated Donald Trump in a roll call vote for President of the United States Tuesday as nominator after nominator compared him to Ronald Reagan. You can just hear The Donald as The Gipper. Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall and rebuild it on the Turkish border.
Donald Trump accepted the GOP nomination for President of the United States at last night’s convention. The convention speeches by his family members helped to elevate Trump’s image. You can tell you’re having a really good week when you’re described as intensely loyal by your third wife.
The Trump campaign explains a Trump company staffer accidentally took Michelle Obama’s speech lines and inserted them into Melania Trump’s convention speech Monday. It was just a few lines in the speech. No one disputes Melania’s central claim that she is a strong, independent black woman.
Twenty-First Century Fox was pressured to fire Fox News Chairman Roger Ailes after he was accused of six more cases of sexual harassment in the workplace. So far the total is eight women. For a TV network so vehemently opposed to Sharia Law, they don’t seem to mind the idea of a harem.
— Argus Hamilton
The Republican National Convention started today and Donald Trump spent the past several days preparing his acceptance speech, while Chris Christie spent the past two weeks blowing up balloons.
Over on the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders gave a 23-minute speech at a conference last week after he endorsed Hillary Clinton, but he didn’t mention her by name. Though people had a pretty good idea who he was referring to when he mentioned “Moneybags McPantsuit.”
If any of these jokes sound old, it’s because Michelle Obama used them in 2008.
Donald Trump’s campaign manager Paul Manafort said today that Melania’s speech was similar to Michelle Obama’s because they must feel the same way about their families. Then Melania said, “Yes, especially my daughters, Sasha and Malia.”
Of course, the convention’s going all week. And I saw that it actually has a different theme each night. That’s right, the themes are “Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.”
Hillary was actually campaigning in Las Vegas today. Which is crazy, ‘cuz usually when Hillary gambles, it involves national security.
Right now the New York Times says that Hillary has a 76 percent chance of winning the election. Hillary says she’s excited by the news and can’t wait to find a new way to blow it.
It’s the Republican Convention and Donald Trump returned to Cleveland ahead of tomorrow night’s speech. A lot of people noted that Trump was greeted by his whole family when he landed, except for his wife, Melania. Even weirder, Michelle Obama WAS there.
The Republicans want to defund Planned Parenthood. The Democrats want to stop Donald Trump from preventing access to birth control. They compromised, and now, Planned Parenthood will hand out pictures of Donald Trump as birth control.
— Jimmy Fallon
Melania Trump is being accused of plagiarism because paragraphs of her speech last night closely mirror Michelle Obama’s speech at the 2008 Democratic convention. Said Melania, “That’s ridiculous. I worked on that speech for four score and seven years.”
Donald Trump’s former campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski, said today that whoever wrote Melania Trump’s speech should be fired. “Fine, I’ll pack up my desk,” said Michelle.
A new poll has Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump virtually tied, with Clinton leading Trump 46 percent to 45 percent. It’s the closest Trump has ever gotten to a woman his own age.
A number of college professors are saying that Melania Trump’s convention speech earlier this week would classify as plagiarism in some academic settings. While in other academic settings [displays logo of Trump University], it would earn you a Ph.D. in “Speechinating.”
— Seth Meyers
I really like Trump and Pence’s chemistry. You can tell these guys have been friends since all the way back on July 18th of 2016.
— James Corden
What I don’t understand is, yeah, we knew [Trump was going to be the nominee] but there was supposed to be a floor fight. Bikers chain-whipping the Rules Committee. Ted Cruz trying to cut out Reince Priebus’ eyeball with a broken bottle. We were promised excitement! But none of that happened. They voted. He got it. That’s it.
— Steven Colbert
Apparently Trump was unsure about the guy he was choosing for vice president all the way down to the wire. They say he wanted to dump Gov. Mike Pence at midnight the night before the announcement — which would have made him a Pence dispenser.
You probably know what happened, Melania Trump being accused of stealing her speech from Mrs. Obama. And then a speechwriter took responsibility, saying Melania told her she admires Mrs. Obama, and the woman that actually wrote the things Melania pretended to write, admitted she pretended to write the things that Melania to pretended to write.
In Cleveland tonight, Donald Trump officially accepted the Republican nomination. Throwing “Make America Great” t-shirts into the crowd — not really, but it’s kind of believable, right?
— Jimmy Kimmel