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In Case You Missed It Dept.:
The FBI told Congress that Hillary deleted over thirty thousand emails on Thursday. Richard Nixon erased only eighteen minutes of Oval Office audiotape to get impeached. It shows that women have to do two thousand times the work that a man does in order to get the same credit in this world.
FBI Director Jim Comey spent five hours in Congress explaining why he cleared Hillary of charges relating to her e-mail. The FBI report said she’d been extremely reckless. However, in her defense, the FBI Director said she’d been Hillary extremely reckless, not Bill extremely reckless.
Senator Bernie Sanders announced Friday he will join Hillary Clinton on the campaign trail Tuesday in New Hampshire where they will share the stage together. He sounds itching to get back into the action. Bernie’s spent the past three weeks at his home in New Hampshire, unscrewing a lid.
Senator Marco Rubio joined Nebraska’s and Utah’s senators saying he won’t attend the GOP convention in Cleveland that nominates Trump. It seems like everyone in the federal government is resentful toward the Donald. The Surgeon General recently sent Donald Trump a carton of cigarettes.
Hillary Clinton was a hit at a town hall meeting in Hollywood Wednesday. She’s starting to hit her stride. During her presentation, she unveiled her high technology plan that will provide every American with broadband Internet access–every American, Hillary quickly added, except her husband.
Fox News chief Roger Ailes was hit by six more sex harassment claims Sunday after Gretchen Carlson’s lawsuit. It lifted America’s spirits. Just when we were demoralized by having to follow a race between Hillary and Trump, Cosby is leading Ailes by a score of thirty-five to seven, but it’s early.
Hillary Clinton dodged a recommendation for indictment by the FBI Director last week. She has not even been elected and already she’s as close to impeachment as Bill, who didn’t get impeached until his second term. It just shows that a woman can accomplish more than a man, in less time, and do it all in a pants suit.
Hillary Clinton went on the offensive Tuesday in New Hampshire where she was endorsed by Bernie Sanders. Hillary rejected the FBI Director’s claim that she had been extremely careless with her home office e-mails. She would only admit to being extremely careless in picking a husband.
The Santa Monica Police drew applause from beach residents when they arrested a street guy on the sidewalk who was selling pot, cocaine and meth out of a plastic baggie last Sunday. No one could believe the nerve of this guy. Any idiot knows that plastic bags are illegal in Santa Monica.
The Commission on Presidential Debates announced the schedule for this year’s presidential debates on Tuesday. The big surprise is that the final debate will be held in Las Vegas. Under the agreed-on format, Hillary and Trump will debate for ninety minutes and then Elvis will marry them.
The L.A. City Council passed a Cool Roofs law requiring new roofs to be painted white, beige, orange-red or tan. Reaction was political. Donald Trump just claimed to be the only candidate compliant with the L.A. Building Code, but you can guess the angry reaction from Black Roofs Matter.
President Obama launched into a defense of the Black Lives Matter protests during his speech at the Dallas memorial service. He tends to turn everything into a teachable civil rights moment. A journalist recently asked Obama to name his favorite movie comedy, and replied Selma and Louise.
Donald Trump speaking to a crowd in Raleigh, North Carolina, last week repeated his promise that if elected president, the U.S. will resume water-boarding terror suspects for information. His enthusiasm is contagious. He vowed it will be the best torture ever, promising that we will use Perrier.
House Speaker Paul Ryan requested that Hillary Clinton be blocked from receiving classified intelligence briefings Tuesday. His request was refused. Hilary could be impeached before she’s even elected, showing how much better a woman has to be than her husband in order to get equal credit.
Cleveland is set to host the four-night-GOP Convention Monday which will nominate Donald Trump for president. The Republicans are having trouble lining up endorsement speakers. Three of the four headliners are going to talk about how to make money in real estate with no money down.
Mexico’s government saw the U.S. election calendar Friday and announced they have decided to build the wall as Donald Trump promised they would. They’re going to build it around the GOP Convention just as soon as everyone’s inside. However they say they have no money for gates or doors.
President Obama took it on himself to address the nation’s racial divide Wednesday after polls showed tensions boiling. Obama personally hosted a White House summit between police officers and members of the Black Lives Matter movement. And you wonder why Secret Service agents drink.
Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders appeared onstage with Hillary Clinton in front of a cheering crowd in New Hampshire Tuesday and finally endorsed Hillary for president. The old socialist looked a little out of sorts. He’s still upset that the team with the most points just won the NBA Finals.
Hillary Clinton stood next to Bernie Sanders during his endorsement speech Tuesday where she was clocked nodding her head over four hundred times. Some Bernie Sanders fans booed the endorsement for Mrs. Clinton. They vowed not to vote for Hillary when they don’t vote in November.
— Argus Hamilton
People are now saying that Hillary Clinton has narrowed her list of potential vice presidents down to five people. I’m sorry, she’s “deleted” the list down to five people.
Bernie Sanders is expected to actually endorse Hillary Clinton at an event in New Hampshire tomorrow. In fact, Bernie Sanders is set to give his most enthusiastic endorsement of all time: “Eh, could be worse!”
Today, Bernie Sanders officially endorsed Hillary Clinton at a rally in New Hampshire. Hillary said she’s glad Bernie is behind her 100 percent, then Bernie said, “Let’s just start off with 1 percent.”
The L.A. Times just revealed that Bill Clinton has demanded private jets to get to speaking engagements. In their defense, Bill and Hillary need private jets ‘cuz they’re the only planes that can fit ALL of their baggage.
Bernie Sanders gave a speech where he endorsed Hillary Clinton, effectively ending his campaign. When asked what he’ll do next, Bernie was like, “Live my dream and be a contestant on ‘The Bachelorette’!”
Elizabeth Warren has been invited to give an address on the first night of the Democratic Convention. Hillary Clinton will give the address on the final night — and Bernie Sanders will be given the wrong address so that he misses the convention entirely.
— Jimmy Fallon
Bernie Sanders is expected to endorse Hillary Clinton tomorrow. Said Sanders, “But before I do, are we sure there are no more states?”
Hillary Clinton has been endorsed by the Wu-Tang Clan and when Hillary heard that, she bowed in appreciation and said she looks forward to working with China.
Bernie Sanders endorsed Hillary Clinton this afternoon and told his supporters that while he lost the primary, the revolution continues. Though I don’t think he should have ended by saying, “Seize her!”
Donald Trump has begun referring to himself as the “law and order” candidate, though I think that title should go to Hillary, since she’s also been running for the last 25 years.
— Seth Meyers
The presidential debates have been announced and, guess what, the final one is gonna take place in Las Vegas. Trump and Hillary will have a 90-minute debate and then be married by Elvis.
Donald Trump has dropped hints that he may name a Democrat as his running mate. In fact, today he chose Donald Trump from 2008.
According to Forbes magazine, in the past year Taylor Swift has earned $170 million. When she heard that, Hillary Clinton said, “I didn’t know she gave speeches.”
Bernie Sanders’ endorsement of Hillary Clinton has angered many of his supporters. Many of them are threatening to not vote for her when they don’t vote in November.
This morning, Bernie Sanders endorsed Hillary Clinton. So, as promised, this afternoon, the Clinton campaign released Bernie Sanders’ wife.
According to a poll that just came out, Donald Trump is getting zero percent of the black vote in some states. Trump said, “Don’t worry, by the time the election comes around I will double that.”
Britain has a new foreign secretary, and the new foreign secretary once likened Hillary Clinton to a “sadistic nurse.” After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, “Man, I wish.”
Sadly, today we lost the bravest tribute of all. A man who we actually lost months ago, but who courageously kept pretending not to be dead because, today, Bernie Sanders endorsed Hillary Clinton.
The Republican National Convention is next week. Quick programming note — the “Late Show” will be live every single night. So tune in for a mockery of our political system — and then watch the “Late Show!”
The latest polls show that Hillary Clinton is tied with Donald Trump. Ever since the damning FBI report about Hillary Clinton’s private email servers came out, her poll numbers have not looked good. Though the truth is she may have much better numbers hidden on her private server. We don’t know.
In the key swing states of Ohio and Pennsylvania Trump is currently getting zero percent support from black voters. Obviously every poll has a margin of error, so it can actually be negative 3 percent.
— Steven Colbert