Today’s Toons 7/11/16

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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

Independence Day arrived Monday with polls tightening between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump as both battled high disapproval. Our forefathers fought against British rule so that anyone can run for president. For the first time in two hundred and forty years, we’re regretting that decision.

Donald Trump met with Iowa senator Joni Ernst as a possible running mate Monday. He looks buoyed. Donald Trump in a poll released Monday achieved a one hundred percent name recognition with the American people, and if he can overcome that he’s got a chance to win this thing.

Hillary Clinton hit the campaign trail Tuesday after she’d spend all day Saturday being grilled by the FBI over her e-mails and the Clinton Foundation. She could turn the consequences into a selling point. Hillary could become the first Clinton ever elected president who comes pre-impeached.

Donald Trump was characterized by Democrats as mentally unstable in a poll on Friday and Hillary was described by Republicans as criminal. So we’re left with two candidates for president, Not Yet Committed and Not Yet Indicted. Americans were in better hands under a mad English king.

Phoenix TV news showed Bill Clinton waiting on the tarmac for Loretta Lynch’s plane to land last week, then he bounded up the stairs to meet privately with her. Experts are split. Either it was political skullduggery, innocent chit-chat or most likely, Bill was just trying to join the Sea Level Club.

Attorney General Loretta Lynch denied discussing Hillary’s criminal probe with Bill Clinton when he jumped on her private jet at Phoenix just to say hello. Critics are wary. History teaches us that Bill Clinton is almost always up to no good whenever he gets onto a plane to meet up with a girl.

Loretta Lynch denied discussing Hillary’s case with Bill when he jumped on her jet to say hi last week. Monday’s New York Times said Hillary will keep Lynch as Attorney General. It’s an old American tradition that if you rob enough banks in broad daylight, we start rooting for you to get away with it.

Donald Trump denied a report in Bloomberg News Thursday that he was going to allow Mike Tyson to speak for him at the GOP Convention. Trump squelched the report saying that Mike will not be speaking for him at the convention. And to think people say they’re worried about Donald’s judgment.

President Obama flew to Ottawa to meet with Prime Minister Trudeau and Mexico’s President Enrique Nina Piete last week. They discussed climate change and gay rights. It’s called the North American Leaders Conference or as Donald Trump calls it, the Three Undocumented Amigos summit.

Donald Trump denied reports Friday that he’s asked Mike Tyson to speak for him at the GOP Convention in Cleveland. It’s tricky. Many folks oppose the idea of allowing a known sex offender to speak on behalf of a major party candidate, but Bill Clinton is just too popular to keep off the stage.

Donald Trump laughed off Elizabeth Warren’s claim he’s unstable by citing her false claim that she’s a Cherokee Indian so she could teach at Harvard. She’s on no tribal rolls. Elizabeth Warren’s proof of her family being Native American is a photo of her as a child, sitting Indian style.

Attorney General Loretta Lynch stated Friday it’s perfectly reasonable for people to question her airplane run-in with Bill Clinton. He seemed to be on automatic pilot when questioned about it. Bill wagged his finger at reporters and said that he did not have sex with that woman, Mrs. Lynch.

Al Gore in a newspaper interview compared himself to Jackie Robinson Friday calling himself a one-man game-changer in the field of climate change. What an inspiring pioneer. Not only did Al serve as Bill Clinton’s Oval Office lookout, he was also the first green player in the Major Leagues.

Hillary Clinton was cleared by the FBI Director for relaying top secret material on her home server Tuesday but he spent ten minutes listing everything she did illegally. Just two hours later, Hillary was greeted by a huge ovation at her North Carolina rally. She arrived in a slow white Bronco.

Democratic presumptive nominee Hillary Clinton and her husband Bill got some exciting news to share on the home front Tuesday and they say they couldn’t be happier. Chelsea Clinton and her husband announced they want a do-over. They’ve re-named their baby boy James Comey Clinton.

FBI Director James Comey cleared Hillary Clinton Tuesday but called her extremely careless for e-mailing top-secret intelligence on her home server. It risked exposing secret U.S. operations and spies. And to think that for years we thought it was Bill and Monica who were extremely careless.

Hillary Clinton was cited by the FBI for lying that she never e-mailed intel on her home server and now she could face a further probe over her missing e-mails. She’s come full circle in forty-two years. You start out your public career investigating Richard Nixon and you end up channeling him.

Donald Trump told a crowd in North Carolina that Saddam Hussein was a bad guy but that he killed terrorists well. Talk about two peas in a pod. Saddam Hussein was brutal to his political enemies, but he could never hold a candle to the way Trump fed the Bush family into a wood-chipper.

President Obama touted his economic record in a speech in North Carolina Tuesday. His tax returns show his income has gone down every year since he became the president. Unlike other politicians who just talk about the economic decline in America, President Obama leads by example.

Hillary Clinton spoke in North Carolina Tuesday after spending all weekend raising money in L.A. She’s popular in this town. The Hollywood Reporter is reporting talk that Lindsay Lohan is going to play Hillary Clinton in a TV movie because neither one of them can get themselves arrested.

Attorney General Loretta Lynch announced in Washington Wednesday she’s accepted FBI Director James Comey’s recommendation that no charges will be filed against Hillary Clinton. She’s escaped again. David Copperfield just offered Hillary Clinton ten million dollars for the secret.

FBI Director James Comey listed Hillary Clinton’s crimes and misdemeanors for ten minutes on TV Tuesday before he pivoted and cleared her of prosecution. He said Hillary didn’t intend any harm. In a related story, on Comey’s recommendation, Richard Nixon was nominated for sainthood.

— Argus Hamilton

Although Hillary Clinton was cleared of charges in the investigation of her deleted emails, her actions were described by the FBI as “extremely reckless.” However in her defense, the report pointed out that she was Hillary reckless, not Bill reckless.

It’s rumored that Snoop Dogg will perform at the Democratic Convention. When he heard this, Donald Trump immediately took him off his vice presidential list.

In a speech yesterday, Donald Trump praised Saddam Hussein for killing terrorists. He also said Hitler was a wonderful dancer and Stalin made a great omelette.

— Conan

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