Today’s Toons 6/20/16

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Roseanne Barr stunned Hollywood Thursday by endorsing Donald Trump for president. Rosie is a partner in a chain of twenty marijuana stores that just opened up in Orange County. This may hurt business because the overwhelming number of her pot customers are supporting McGovern.

Hillary Clinton was endorsed by President Obama Thursday right after he tried to ease Bernie out of the race. It was all very well-timed. That afternoon, Senator Elizabeth Warren launched a savage attack on Trump, although you couldn’t put it that way if Warren were really an Indian.

Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton was reported Friday to be considering Senator Elizabeth Warren to be her vice presidential running mate. It would be confusing if they get elected to office. When the Marine Band plays Hail to the Chief at state dinners they’ll both wave in acknowledgement.

The FBI identified the Orlando gay bar shooter as an American citizen with ISIS ties and son of immigrants to this country from Afghanistan. All these terrorist shootings prove once and for all that we can’t allow the Syrian refugees to enter the United States. It’s just too dangerous for them.

Hillary Clinton in a national speech Monday singled out the oil kingdoms of Saudi Arabia and Qatar and Kuwait and ripped them for allowing terrorist attacks against the West to be supported from their countries. This can only mean one thing. Their checks to the Clinton Foundation bounced.

The FBI said Monday it had detained Orlando terrorist Omar Mateen over his radical posts on social media. His dad is a Taliban champion, Omar traveled to Saudi Arabia twice, and he bragged to co-workers about having ISIS ties. There are fewer red flags in Moscow at the Victory Day Parade.

Santa Monica hosted a multi-cultural street fair to try to promote peace between religions and cultures last weekend. A Muslim street vendor had the entire Koran downloaded onto one DVD. Impressed, an Iowa tourist asked the guy if he’d burn him a copy, and that’s when the trouble started.

President Obama defended how he describes terrorism Tuesday, saying if he says radical Islam it will put an entire religion under criminal suspicion in the eyes of Americans. It was a stirring defense. He concluded by reminding the American people that if the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit.

House Democrats walked out on a moment of silence for the Orlando victims because House Republicans refuse to consider a gun ban and insist on tightening immigration, which Democrats oppose. Congress’s approval rating is nine percent. To put that in perspective, Cosby’s at ten percent.

Donald Trump ripped Barack Obama for going easy on Islamic terrorism Tuesday. They hate each other. President Obama responded to the alligator child-snatching tragedy at Disneyworld by pointing out that Trump sells golf shirts with little alligators on them in every one of his pro shops.

Donald Trump ripped Hillary Clinton for taking Clinton Foundation donations from Muslim countries that enslave women. They’re strict. If you’re watching movies in a Saudi hotel room, Thelma and Louise only lasts eight minutes because they cut all the scenes where women are driving.

The National Football League issued a new rule covering the coin flips that occur before each and every NFL football game. They said from now on, the coin must visibly turn over in the air. It was getting weird this past year, when every time the referees tossed the coin, Hillary Clinton won.

Hillary Clinton took the unquestioned Democratic nominee title after she won the Washington, D.C. primary. Now it’s being debated what to call her. Democrats want to call her Hillary Rodham Clinton, Independents like to say Hillary Clinton and to Republicans she’ll always be Lady Voldemort.

— Argus Hamilton

Donald Trump celebrated his 70th birthday today. And I guess instead of blowing out his candles, he just insulted them until they put themselves out. “You’re too hot! You smell like wax! You’re the worst part of this cake!”

According to the Social Security Administration, the most popular baby names in 2016 are Noah and Emma. Least popular baby names? Donald and Hillary.

According to a political science professor, all of Donald Trump’s speeches are given at a fifth-grade level or below. And today Trump said the professor who did the study was a doody head.

— Jimmy Fallon

The latest polls show Hillary Clinton now leads Donald Trump by 12 points nationally. I guess she’s getting some traction from her new slogan, “Come with me, if you want to live.”

— Seth Meyers

Donald Trump has called for a ban on all immigration to the United States. Of course, Trump said the ban would be lifted if he ever needs a new wife.

Bernie Sanders is set to meet with Hillary Clinton this evening. Bernie said the meeting will give Hillary one last opportunity to bow out gracefully.

— Conan


During a lull between the speeches at the recent White House Correspondents’ dinner, Michelle Obama leans over to chat with Joe Biden.

“Ya know, I bought Barack a parrot for his birthday. The bird is so smart, Barack has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!”

“Wow, that’s pretty impressive,” says Joe, “but, you do realize that he just speaks the words — he doesn’t really understand what they mean.”

“Oh, I know,” Michelle replies, “Neither does the parrot.”

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