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In Case You Missed It Dept.:
Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump took turns trashing one another in California Friday. The choice is demoralizing to many. In the latest poll, one-third of California voters are rooting for Hillary Clinton, one third are rooting for Donald Trump, and one-third are rooting for a Giant Meteor.
NBC News reported that Bernie Sanders surged into a virtual tie with Hillary Clinton among voters in Tuesday’s California primary. Young people are pinning their hopes on him. The other day, Bernie Sanders promised that if elected, he will make tuition to Trump University absolutely free.
Hillary Clinton declared Donald Trump mentally unfit Friday, prompting Trump to say he will prosecute Crooked Hillary after he beats her. This is great theater. Americans owe Donald Trump a huge debt of gratitude for taking American politics and raising it to the level of professional wrestling.
Senator Harry Reid chastised Senator Bernie Sanders Friday, telling him it’s time to get out of the race and unify the Democratic Party behind Hillary Clinton’s candidacy. Reid grew up as the cleaning boy in a Nevada brothel and became Majority Leader of the U.S. Senate. It’s a lateral transfer.
The State Department’s Inspector General released a scathing report on Hillary Clinton’s use of a private e-mail account to conduct State Department business. It didn’t faze her in the least. Hillary’s been on the brink of disaster so many times there’s a brass plaque there with her name on it.
Russia’s Vladimir Putin praised Donald Trump as a rational man Friday. His foreign support is eclectic. North Korea’s state-run newspaper endorsed Donald Trump Monday, calling him a wise politician and far-sighted man, although hostage negotiators agree that could be the starvation talking.
The California primary is held today, which should help crystallize this year’s issues. Everyone knows something’s seriously wrong in this country but they’re blaming different things. Bernie is blaming the banks, Donald Trump is blaming Mexicans, and Hillary is blaming the Microsoft Cloud.
The Dixie Chicks performed their first concert in ten years Friday which had a slide show that depicts Donald Trump as Satan. The group has no common sense. They lost all their country music fans ten years ago when they ripped President Bush and now they have lost all their devil worshippers.
Michelle Obama gave a commencement speech in New York Saturday and told the graduates she has to wake up every morning in a house that was built by slaves. It could be worse. The way the job market is going, the graduating seniors could be waking up in houses made by Coleman Tents.
Donald Trump was roasted Sunday for saying that Trump University can’t get a fair civil trial from the Mexican judge assigned to hear his case. The reverse is also true. In a Los Angeles court this morning, two Mexican men showed up for their deportation hearing and the judge married them.
Donald Trump was ripped by Newt Gingrich, Mitch McConnell and other GOP leaders Sunday for insulting Mexicans again. These are exciting times. Paul Ryan told a press conference he’ll vote for Trump, however, Morse Code experts say the entire time he was blinking the words God help us all.
Hillary Clinton in an interview with George Stephanopoulos on ABC Sunday refused to say if the right to bear arms is protected by the U.S. Constitution. No one’s surprised. If Hillary Clinton liked to shoot guns Bill Clinton would have been America’s first penis transplant recipient last month.
Crisis of Character is a book by a U.S. Secret Service agent who worked inside the Clinton White House. He says Hillary was a Jekyll and Hyde who assaulted Bill over his infidelity. Whenever Bill showed up in the press room with a busted lip, the reporters knew he’d had a good afternoon and a bad night.
The Cincinnati Zoo re-opened its gorilla exhibit Monday. Hillary blamed the gorilla shooting on a video, Trump vowed to build a new enclosure and make Mexico pay for it, and Bernie promised free college for gorillas and said he’ll shoot the bankers who sold the bonds to finance this animal prison.
A Burger King restaurant manager in Pennsylvania Tuesday invented a new sandwich called the Whopperito. The sandwich is a U.S. Grade-A Beef Whopper wrapped inside a flour tortilla burrito. The Secret Service is investigating the Whopperito as an attempt upon Donald Trump’s life.
Hillary Clinton confirmed a delegate count by the Associated Press Tuesday and claimed she has the votes for the Democratic nomination for president. It’s history. The nomination brings Hillary a step closer to achieving the Clinton dream of being America’s first two-impeachment family.
Donald Trump got in hot water for saying the judge in his civil trial isn’t qualified to hear his case because he’s Mexican. It was a misunderstanding. When Trump found out the judge was born and raised in Indiana he corrected himself and said he was not qualified because he’s an Indian.
Crisis of Courage is a new book by Secret Service agent Gary Byrne who guarded President Clinton in the White House. These guys had the most dangerous jobs in the world. During Bill Clinton’s presidency, three Secret Service agents were decorated for taking a lamp for the president.
Hillary Clinton clinched the nomination on Tuesday and will face Donald Trump this fall. We can all relax now. With an election between Hillary and Trump, we can have the peace of mind of knowing that regardless of who wins, it’ll take five generations to fix everything that gets screwed up.
Hillary Clinton reached out to Bernie Sanders voters in her victory speech Tuesday following her big win in California. There are no hard feelings. Hillary is seeking to win the people who supported Bernie Sanders by promising them that the tortures will be minimal and non-disfiguring.
Hillary Clinton sealed the party nomination Tuesday taking the next step toward her and Bill moving back into the White House. They can’t survive without good maid service. Be it e-mails or blue dresses, it’s obvious that neither one of their moms taught them how to clean up after themselves.
Houston began cleaning up Tuesday after last week’s epic rainfall and massive flooding. It’s such a waste of water. Environmentalists won’t allow a water pipeline built between South Texas and Southern California because it would block with the migratory pattern of the Future Democrat.
— Argus Hamilton
Bernie Sanders campaigned in California yesterday ahead of the state’s Democratic primary, and even checked out the famous carousel at the Santa Monica Pier. But it got a little awkward when the music stopped and Bernie still wouldn’t admit that the ride was over. “This is gonna be a contested carousel!”
After weeks of hesitation, Paul Ryan finally endorsed Donald Trump for president on Thursday. When asked what influenced his decision, Ryan said, “Xanax. Lots and lots of Xanax.”
It’s being reported that Hillary Clinton now has enough delegates to secure the Democratic nomination. Hillary was so excited when she found out she asked her staff to schedule 15 seconds of smiling.
Paul Ryan said what Trump is saying about a judge of Mexican heritage is the “textbook definition” of a racist comment. Even worse, that textbook is made by Trump University.
— Jimmy Fallon
Donald Trump is continuing to draw criticism for his claims that Judge Gonzalo Curiel’s Mexican heritage makes him unfit to preside over a lawsuit against Trump University, despite the fact that Curiel was born and raised in Indiana. And when Trump found that out, he said, “Oh, no, he’s an Indian, too?”
Donald Trump is also attracting criticism after he singled out a black supporter at a rally on Friday and told the crowd, “Look at my African-American,” which is clearly racist, but also, he should know his name by now.
While campaigning in California, ahead of tomorrow’s primary, Bernie Sanders yesterday stopped at a Los Angeles bar popular among the LGBT community. Said Sanders, “No! I said I wanted a BLT! What’s the ‘G’ for? It better not be guacamole because that costs an arm and a leg.”
Hillary Clinton told supporters last night that her status as the Democratic nominee is thanks to the generations who struggled and sacrificed before her. “You’re welcome,” said Bernie Sanders.
— Seth Meyers
Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi said it would be great if Hillary Clinton picked a female running mate. She said it during a speech entitled “Hint Hint.”
In the general election, Donald Trump plans on painting Hillary Clinton as money-grubbing and unethical. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton plans on painting Donald Trump as Donald Trump.
It’s being reported that Bernie Sanders is planning on cutting half of his campaign staff. Bernie said, “I’m saving money by only keeping the most delusional.”
Hillary Clinton said yesterday that she would like to see the FBI investigation of her emails wrapped up. Hillary then said, “Or deleted, whatever is easiest.”
After his meeting at the White House, Bernie Sanders said he’s going to do everything he can to “make sure that Donald Trump does not become president of the United States.” Bernie said, “I’m even willing to make Hillary my vice president.”
The Clinton folks aren’t happy about the media jumping the gun on her clinching it. She wanted to announce that at her victory rally tonight, so when she does announce, everyone please act like you didn’t see this coming.
Hillary Clinton became the first female candidate of a major party. It was an incredible moment 240 years in the making, because I believe that’s when the election began
Last night was also a big one for Donald Trump, who destroyed his competition in every state where he had no competition.
Today Bernie Sanders had a private meeting in the White House with President Obama, which was fitting since they’re both beloved political figures who are just a few months away from not being president.
— Steven Colbert
Even though Hillary has more votes and delegates and superdelegates and states, Bernie Sanders still isn’t giving up. He says he will continue to fight. He’s like one of those old Japanese guys on an island who thinks the war is still going on.
— Jimmy Kimmel