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In Case You Missed It Dept.:
The White House ordered states to obey the administration’s open bathroom edict on behalf of trans-genders or lose federal funds. It has parents very worried. If Hillary Clinton gets elected president Bill Clinton will be allowed inside women’s locker rooms because he identifies as First Lady.
Bob Gates ripped Obama for not admitting U.S. combat troops are fighting ISIS in Syria. It’s a nasty world. If you think they’re fighting in Syria, CNN executives are debating about whether viewers want to watch non-stop coverage of a missing airliner or non-stop coverage of Donald Trump.
Newt Gingrich was reported on Wednesday to be at the top of Donald Trump’s list of possible vice presidential running mates. A Trump-Gingrich ticket wouldn’t bore voters with a lot of talk about family values. The two men could hold their opening rally in Atlanta at Six Wives over Georgia.
Donald Trump was defended as a gentleman by his former girlfriend Rowann Brewer Tuesday, who added that the New York Times misquoted her to make Donald Trump look like a sexist boor. Her testimonial sounded a bit coached. She described Trump as a magnificent lover with huge hands.
The Fox News poll came out on Wednesday showing Donald Trump with the lead over Hillary Clinton for the first time. Her camp is in total chaos. After the New York Times article portrayed Donald Trump as an incurable womanizer, Hillary doesn’t know whether to debate him or marry him.
The Washington Post released the results of a poll of Indian tribes nationwide that found that ninety-percent of Native Americans are not offended by the Washington Redskins name. What a shock. It’s the highest approval Indians have ever given to anything with the name Washington in it.
Jack Nicklaus was interviewed on CBS Sunday Morning and he endorsed Donald Trump for president. Jack faces no backlash from the PGA like he would from the NFL. Last month, Tom Brady endorsed Donald Trump for president, automatically triggering the NFL concussion protocols.
Mexico’s former president Vicente Fox said he will meet with Donald Trump if he apologizes for his Cinco de Mayo tweet. It showed Trump eating a taco salad and saying he loves Hispanics. Of course Hispanics were first to point out that a taco salad is basically a salad surrounded by a wall.
Secret Service agents shot a man who tried to enter the South Gate at the White House Friday with a gun in his hand. The shooting occurred three miles from the nearest golf course, so the president was never in any danger. Obama was a little upset that the Secret Service shot a hole in one and he didn’t.
Vice President Joe Biden in a speech Thursday called on Americans to have an uncomfortable conversation with each other on race relations in America. Tensions are high. Black people and white people have a tough time getting along in Los Angeles, because neither one of us speak Spanish.
Democrats on Thursday openly worried about rioting at the Democratic Convention by Bernie Sanders fans. They’re fervent. Bernie Sanders is the only seventy-four-year-old man in America who has college girls pointing at him and screaming without standing in a lineup at the police station.
NASA scientists in Houston confirmed Wednesday that government astronomers have tracked down twelve hundred planets in the Milky Way that are capable of sustaining human life. This is big political news. If Trump is elected president everybody in Hollywood doesn’t have to go to Canada.
A Washington Post poll released Friday shows that ninety percent of Native American Indians are not offended by the name Washington Redskins. Ten percent say the name connotes racism, slavery, ethnic cleansing and conquest. They want to change the team name to the Maryland Redskins.
Donald Trump soared in the polls to tie Hillary Clinton in the Real Clear Politics average of all polls Monday. He’s refuting Hillary’s claim he doesn’t have the temperament to be president. Donald Trump clearly demonstrated over the past year that he can accept criticism, just not of himself.
Hillary Clinton campaigned hard Monday to shake off Bernie Sanders tying her to Wall Street interests. Inside deals are fueling Congress’s low approval rating. Wall Street’s biggest concern is that the value of U.S. congressmen will drop so low that ordinary citizens will be able to buy them, too.
North Korea refused a request made by Donald Trump to visit North Korea this year and meet with Kim Jung Un. It could still happen. World leaders are a little worried what the crazy guy with the strange haircut might do once he gets ahold of nuclear missiles and Kim Jung Un is no exception.
Texas sued the White House for ordering schools to let transgender students use the bathroom that corresponds to their gender identity. You can’t make it up. Leave it to our first black president to tell Southerners which people get to use which bathroom the same week Roots returns to television.
The Department of Justice was tight-lipped Thursday over the progress that the FBI is making in the State Department e-mail scandal after dozens of interviews with staffers and tech advisors. The FBI is reportedly set to ask Hillary to speak to them. She charges three hundred thousand dollars.
Arizona enacted a new law which increases the penalty for blocking traffic at political protests from five hundred dollars to five thousand dollars. What a great idea. Now any time Arizona has a budget shortfall, they can invite Donald Trump to speak there and balance their budget in one rally.
The Los Angeles Times reported Wednesday there’s a new dating site for men and women who are Donald Trump supporters. Imagine what happens if they get married. The groom will spend the entire wedding night sitting on the edge of the hotel bed telling the bride how great it’s going to be.
— Argus Hamilton
It’s reported that Donald Trump may have actually done business with the mob … even has ties to an ex-convict named Joey No Socks. When asked about his relationship with Trump, Joey No Socks said, “That’s between me and Donny Three Wives.”
Bernie said yesterday that his critics call him “Santa Claus” because of his white hair. Then Santa said, “Yeah — even I don’t promise people THAT much free stuff.”
After Hillary Clinton declined to debate Bernie Sanders this month, there’s now talk that Bernie might debate Donald Trump. No word on what the debate will be on, but I’m guessing mute.
Donald Trump’s campaign accidentally sent a reporter an email with details about how Trump was going to attack Hillary Clinton. Or as Trump put it, “Wow, another Hillary email scandal. Sad.”
A new survey asked Americans which candidate they’d want to sit next to on a plane and 37 percent chose Donald Trump. Meanwhile, the other 63 percent missed their flight waiting in the TSA line.
When Trump heard that, he was like, “What does ‘sit next to someone on a plane’ mean? Did their private jet break, or something?”
It’s being reported the Obama family is planning to move into a nine-bedroom mansion in Washington, D.C., after the president leaves office. I guess he wants to be close enough to drive by the White House every morning and shout, “Sucks, doesn’t it?”
— Jimmy Fallon
Bernie Sanders today campaigned in California just a few miles from Disneyland. Either that, or Grumpy was on a lunch break.
The latest NBC/Wall Street Journal poll has found that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton have nearly opposite results with rural voters compared to urban voters, with Clinton leading Trump by 25 percent in cities, and Trump beating Clinton by 31 percent in places where he wouldn’t be caught dead.
President Obama signed legislation this week that replaced the term “Eskimo” in all federal laws with the phrase “Alaska Native.” “Fine, I’ll have seven Alaska Native pies,” said Chris Christie.
— Seth Meyers
Donald Trump is holding his first-ever campaign fundraiser but says he’s only doing it because the Republican Party asked him to. Yeah. Trump thought he should do this for the Republican Party, since he turned down their first request: Don’t be our candidate.
A recent survey found that Donald Trump is polling very badly among Asian-Americans. After hearing this, Trump said, “That’s odd, I haven’t even gotten around to insulting them yet. I got great material on them.”
Troubling news for Hillary Clinton. The FBI says as part of its investigation of Hillary Clinton’s emails, it may call her in to speak to them. No word yet on how much Hillary’s planning to charge. Could be as much as three grand, $300,000.
Chairman of the Republican National Committee Reince Priebus blasted Hillary Clinton on Twitter for using “bad judgment.” Priebus said, “I haven’t seen judgment this bad since my parents named me Reince Priebus.”
Donald Trump is floating another conspiracy theory which suggests that Hillary Clinton is a murderer. Today Bill Clinton said, “Trust me, if that lady could kill, I would not be alive.”
Yesterday, a North Korean official turned down an offer by Donald Trump to visit the country and meet with Kim Jong Un, saying the offer is “propaganda” and “nonsense.” This doesn’t make Trump look good. You know you’re in trouble when the leader of North Korea is like, “I can’t associate myself with that guy.”
— James Corden
The Trump campaign is about to launch a secret plan to attack Hillary Clinton over the Whitewater scandal from the 90s. We know he’s going to do this because they accidentally emailed the secret plan to a reporter. Which means that, shockingly, Hillary Clinton might be the candidate who’s second worst while using email.
The State Department finally released their report on her use of a private email server. They found that she did not ask permission, and if she had, the answer would have been no. Which is one of the top reasons to not ask permission, by the way.
Even when you do give Hillary Clinton a clear “no,” what she hears is, “Try again in eight years.”
Now, Trump did put one condition on the debate: raise $10-$15 million for women’s health issues. I’m guessing, “The Donald Trump Foundation for Women Who Aren’t Anywhere Near a ’10,’ They’re Like a ‘5’ Tops.”
— Steven Colbert