Today’s Toons 5/23/16

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Washington Post star reporter Bob Woodward said the newspaper assigned twenty reporters to dig up the dirt on Donald Trump. It won’t stick. Last week, Donald Trump shot and killed a guy just for fun and his fans dismissed the media’s criticism of the shooting as political correctness run amok.

Donald Trump said Friday his biggest sacrifice in agreeing to run for president was giving up hosting NBC’s The Apprentice for two years. No wonder he wants a wall. The show will be hosted by Arnold Schwarzenegger, making Donald Trump the latest American to lose his job to an immigrant.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign soldiered on in Kentucky this weekend after another loss to Sanders in West Virginia. The news wasn’t all bad for her. Hillary Clinton got a nice boost for her public image Friday when the Justice Department announced it will no longer use the terms convict or felon.

Donald Trump cited the San Bernardino massacre as justification for his proposed temporary ban on Muslims entering America Sunday. If there’s one thing all these mass shootings have taught us it’s that we can’t allow the Syrian refuges to enter the U.S. It’s just too dangerous for them.

Newt Gingrich drew particular interest when mentioned as Donald Trump’s possible running mate Friday because they have six wives between them. The strategy is to carry the women’s vote by marrying them all. If Trump-Gingrich gets elected, the first lady and second lady will be the third lady.

The New York Times covered Donald Trump’s lifetime of womanizing Sunday dating back to his days in boarding school. It’s no secret. Last week Donald Trump checked into Presbyterian Hospital in Manhattan for his annual physical, and within five minutes he took a turn for the nurse.

John McCain is in a tight re-election race and said Friday he thinks Donald Trump can be a capable leader. McCain was a POW who was forced to deliver enemy propaganda on camera in North Vietnam. While he saying Donald Trump could be a capable leader, he was blinking an SOS message.

President Obama will be visiting Hiroshima in Japan where the U.S. dropped the atomic bomb on the city to end World War II. It’s still a controversial decision. Environmentalists say the atomic bomb harmed the ozone, however the skies over Pearl Harbor have remained crystal clear ever since.

White House adviser Ben Rhodes refused to testify in Congress Tuesday after he admitted he lied about the Iran nuclear deal in order to sell it. It’s bad. It’s the biggest whopper since President Obama promised the American people that if you liked your bathroom, you can keep your bathroom.

Donald Trump former girlfriend Rowane Brewer Lane in an interview Tuesday repudiated the New York Times story saying Donald Trump was a sexist pig. She insisted he was charming and a perfect gentleman. She said this in a telephone interview and it suspiciously sounded a lot like Trump.

Donald Trump met with Henry Kissinger to receive a foreign policy tutorial from the former Secretary of State. This is a big step. For years Donald Trump has been attacking beautiful women and Mexicans and Muslims and by meeting Kissinger it appears he’s ready to start attacking Vietnam.

Hillary Clinton vowed to voters in Kentucky Monday that if elected president she will place her husband Bill in charge of the U.S. economy. He’ll do great. His first plan is to save the White House millions of dollars in day-to-day operating expenses by replacing all the salaried workers with interns.

Hillary Clinton exited the campaign trail Tuesday as polls showed she was getting beaten by Sanders in Kentucky and Oregon. It seems Bernie’s been beating Hillary all spring. This isn’t a Democratic Party presidential primary campaign, it’s the senior citizen edition of Fifty Shades of Gray.

Bernie Sanders came roaring from behind in Kentucky Tuesday to edge Hillary Clinton in the state’s closed Democratic primary. Independents couldn’t vote, only Democrats. So it was a stroke of genius when Bernie Sanders at the last minute changed his name on the ballot to Colonel Sanders.

Highmark Health Insurers sued the U.S. for the two hundred million dollars the U.S. owes them for Obamacare reimbursements. The insurers are facing the same extra expenses as the patients. Obamacare is just like one of those hospital gowns that ties in the back, you just think you’re covered.

Donald Trump released a list of eleven judges he’d consider nominating to the Supreme Court if he’s elected president on Tuesday. The list accurately reflects his world view. There’s one judge from Yale, one judge from Texas, two judges from Utah and seven judges from the Miss USA Pageant.

— Argus Hamilton

The big Trump news today is this audio tape that resurfaced from 1991, where Donald Trump apparently posed as his own publicist during a phone call with People Magazine. People are saying it’s definitely him, but he’s saying it’s not. Hillary Clinton was like, “Isn’t it annoying when people dig stuff up from the 90’s and use it against you?”

The article makes the point that Donald Trump has hired many women to run his businesses and even quotes him as saying, “A good woman is better than 10 good men.” And Hillary was like, “Thanks for the new campaign slogan.”

A restaurant in Lithuania is stirring up controversy by displaying a mural on its wall that shows Donald Trump kissing Vladimir Putin. Trump said he’s not mad that it shows him kissing a man, he’s mad that it shows him kissing someone over 40.

I read that a new super PAC is actually trying to convince Amish people to vote for Donald Trump. And those people were like, “We’re not Amish – we just got rid of our TV’s so we could stop hearing about Donald Trump.”

Donald Trump’s ex-girlfriend says her quotes in the New York Times expose this week were twisted to sound negative, but that she didn’t have a negative experience with Trump. Then she said, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go drive the new Porsche I can suddenly afford.”

In a recent interview, “Shark Tank” host Mark Cuban predicted that if Donald Trump is elected, it would be bad news for Wall Street. And in related news, Donald Trump just got endorsed by Bernie Sanders.

— Jimmy Fallon

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said yesterday that Donald Trump will “have to answer for” his behavior towards women. Said Trump, “I’ll have my girl write something up.”

Bernie Sanders won last night’s Oregon Democratic primary and this was a surprise. Hillary came in third — behind a bag of weed.

Fox News host Megyn Kelly addressed rumors about Donald Trump’s hair in a new interview and said, “It’s not a wig and it’s not a comb-over, either.” So, what is it? It’s a mystery, wrapped in a riddle, inside an enigma.

Vice President Joe Biden today urged Americans to have an uncomfortable conversation about race relations. And he would know, because he’s had lots of them.

Despite her promises to be tough on Wall Street, a new report has found that groups supporting Hillary Clinton have received $25 million from the financial industry using so-called shadow banks. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders has received a new waffle iron for opening a savings account.

— Seth Meyers

Despite the fact that it was freezing here today, climate scientists say that April was the hottest month on record. It was so hot, Donald Trump tried to make out with it.

The New York Times emailed a news alert reading: “Special report: Donald Trump has repeatedly unnerved women in private encounters over 40 years.” Unnerving women for 40 years? That implies there were 29 years where he was not unnerving women. I’m going to want a fact check.

In last night’s Democratic primaries in Oregon and Kentucky, Bernie won Oregon. No surprise there. If you look at it on a map, Oregon is pretty much as far left as you can get.

Meanwhile, in Kentucky, Hillary Clinton declared victory after winning by less than 1 percent. So there’s another 1 percent for Bernie to be mad at.

— Steven Colbert

On the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders won Oregon. It’s funny with Oregon. If recreational marijuana is legal in your state, you can pretty much guarantee Bernie will win it.

Democrats are concerned that Sanders’ campaign could alienate enough voters to hand Donald Trump the election. Bernie said, “Listen, I’m 74 years old. I’m surrounded by college girls screaming my name. Don’t ruin this for me.”

— Jimmy Kimmel

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