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Donald Trump campaigned in Indiana with the wind at his back on Wednesday following his overwhelming victory in the New York GOP primary. His election would validate today’s pop culture. If Donald Trump succeeds Barack Obama as president, it’ll prove that orange really is the new black.
Al Sharpton urged black voters Friday to unify behind the Democrat nominee this fall. No one thinks alike. The Treasury Secretary just announced that Harriet Tubman’s picture will be put on the twenty dollar bill and already Kanye West is complaining that it should’ve been Beyonce’s picture.
President Obama admitted at a British press conference Friday that the U.S. and Great Britain will always be joined at the hip in the Special Relationship. He conceded that our cultural, historical and blood ties are so strong that nothing could ever separate our two countries. He’s tried everything.
Donald Trump’s manager told the RNC that Trump’s bombastic behavior is an act and he will become presidential as the election nears. It’s already begun. As part of his softer image, Donald Trump no longer refers to Mexicans as rapists in his stump speech, he now calls them tomato-pickers.
Virginia’s governor signed a landmark law Friday allowing two hundred thousand felons the right to vote in elections in Virginia. There are so many felons now eligible to vote in Virginia that they could organize and form the Prison Party. Rumor has it that Hillary may soon be its leader.
Queen Elizabeth posed for a stamp on her ninetieth birthday Friday. The latest CNN poll gives the Queen of England an eighty-two percent approval among Americans. This is what happens when the voters see three choices this election, Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump or Forget It, Let’s Go Home.
North Korea’s dictator Kim Jung Un declared North Korea’s intercontinental missile test fired from a submarine a complete success Monday. He vowed to attack the United States. Kim’s been on the warpath ever since one of his generals told him that Dennis Rodman is not President Obama.
Virginia Democratic governor Terry McAuliffe signed an executive order in Richmond Friday allowing two hundred thousand felons in Virginia to vote in the next election. It’s a shrewd political move. The thinking is, if a man has been incarcerated long enough, even Hillary is liable to look good.
Hillary Clinton let her guard down about her married life in a CNN interview Tuesday. When she was asked to name her husband’s worst habit, she said he loves to read at bedtime but that he always goes to sleep without turning off the reading lamp. It makes you wonder where she heard that.
JFK Airport in New York opened a restroom for dogs and cats traveling with their owners. It’s all up to code. The airport avoided a huge fine from the Obama Administration by opening the restroom to animals of both genders as well as animals who don’t self-identify as either male or female.
Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump emerged from the Big East primaries on Tuesday as likely nominees for president. One could be indicted for mishandling secret material, the other is being sued for fraud. They both talk about creating jobs but nobody thought it would be for defense lawyers.
Beyonce this week released her new album titled Lemonade in which she sings song after song ripping husband Jay-Z for cheating on her. The songs generated tremendous sympathy for every cheated-on wife. It was just enough to put Hillary over the top in four Democratic primaries Tuesday.
Hillary Clinton was buttering up to viewers in rural Pennsylvania Friday and told an audience that Pennsylvania is the place where she learned to shoot. She seemed very surprised when that got a big laugh from the crowd. Everybody knows that if Hillary Clinton could shoot, Bill would be in a box.
Mexico sent a new ambassador to the U.S. Friday tasked with improving Mexico’s image in the U.S. It’s a rich country. In addition to all the oil they drill, the beer they brew, the tequila they distill, strawberries they grow and the gold they mine, Mexico’s also the number-one producer of Americans.
Donald Trump thanked Bobby Knight for his endorsement at their Indiana town hall. Secret Service guarded them. If the Iranians kidnapped these two men, tied them together and dipped them in heavy water, they’d possess a nuclear device of such volatility it would allow Iran to rule the world.
Ted Cruz named former Hewlett Packard CEO Carly Fiorina to be his running mate if he gets the nomination Wednesday. He was pulling out all the stops. Ted Cruz told a crowd at a child care center he has changed a lot of diapers, prompting Bernie Sanders to name Ted as his running mate.
— Argus Hamilton
This election is heading into the home stretch and it seems like the whole world is watching. In fact, I read that sales for Donald Trump piñatas have been soaring recently. Or as Donald Trump put it, “Told you I could make the Mexicans pay for something!”
Over the weekend, Hillary Clinton called Donald Trump a loose cannon and said, “Loose cannons tend to misfire.” Trump was like, “My cannon works just fine, I guarantee you, there’s no problem. I’ve already discussed this.”
During his foreign policy speech yesterday, Donald Trump mispronounced Tanzania and called it “Tanzainia.” Then Melania was like, “That’s nothing. My name is actually Kathryn.”
— Jimmy Fallon
During his victory speech last night Donald Trump dismissed the idea of facing a contested convention, saying, “As far as I’m concerned, it’s over.” And by “it,” I assume he means civilization as we know it.
— Seth Meyers
Yesterday, Donald Trump said, “If I lose, I don’t think you’ll ever see me again.” So finally, a Trump campaign promise we can all get behind.
Hillary Clinton said Pennsylvania is where she learned to shoot a gun. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders said Pennsylvania is where he learned to load a musket.
Donald Trump is now making fun of what he calls John Kasich’s “disgusting” table manners. As an example, Trump named Kasich’s gross habit of having dinner with a wife who’s about his own age.
In a new interview, Ted Cruz said, “I’ve changed a lot of diapers.” After hearing this, Bernie Sanders made him his running mate.
Now that the election is narrowing to a two-person race, Donald Trump said he will have to get used to Hillary Clinton’s shouting. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, “You never really get used to it.”
In his campaign against Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump says he’s going to start quoting some of Bernie Sanders’ speeches. Which means Trump’s opening line will now be, “My nurse is stealing from me.”
After all the speculation and the campaigning and craziness and this unprecedented cartoonish election, we seem to be down to two candidates, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. I don’t know why. Nobody seems to like them, but they’re both way ahead in the delegate count.
— Jimmy Kimmel