This Thread Brought To You By The Letters L & C:
In Case You Missed It Dept.:
Donald Trump’s poll numbers went up after he complained how Colorado was unfairly stolen from him by the GOP. That’s a salesman. Who else can borrow a million dollars from dad, become a billionaire, marry three models and complain that life is unfair, and have the public agree with him.
Bernie Sanders rose in the polls in New York Thursday where he pushed Hillary further and further to the left. He’s relentless. That day in New York Bernie Sanders joined a picket line of striking workers at Verizon, which is logical, because Bernie always talks like he’s got bad reception.
The CDC said it has ascertained that the Zika virus causes birth defects in children conceived from infected parents. Zika is caused by bites from mosquitoes now migrating north from Latin America into the U.S. It’s so lethal that Donald Trump dropped the border wall and promised to put up netting.
N.Y. Mayor Bill DiBlasio used an offensive slang term at an event for Hillary Clinton Friday in which he apologized for being late saying he’s on Colored People time. His fellow Democrats just laughed it off. When he heard about it in his cell, O.J. Simpson remarked that some people get away with murder.
Al-Jazeera went off the air Wednesday, four years after Al Gore sold Current TV to the Arabs, giving them the cable channels to launch Al-Jazeera. Al Gore made five hundred million and the Arabs are off the air. We never knew Al Gore was the un-credited ghostwriter of The Art of the Deal.
Bernie Sanders left the presidential campaign trail Friday to fly to Rome and attend a Forum on Social Justice in the Vatican sponsored by the Roman Catholic Church. While he was there, Bernie and Pope Francis met but only for five minutes. Neither one likes the other’s Holier-than-Thou attitude.
The Supreme Court heard the case Monday challenging President Obama’s power to declare four million illegal aliens to be in the U.S. legally. It’s a precedent-setting case. If illegal aliens are awarded citizenship, the next thing you know, drug dealers will want to be given pharmacist licenses.
Donald Trump pulled off a huge victory Tuesday in the GOP primary in his home state of New York, giving his campaign a major momentum swing. He won his home state by sticking to three rules. Be yourself, mean everything you say, and always remember to thank all the heroes of 7-Eleven.
Donald Trump delighted comedians by accidentally referring to the World Trade Center attack as 7-Eleven on Monday. It’s not like Republicans don’t associate the guys who run 7-Elevens with terrorism anyway. Later, Trump made up for it by going to the 9-11 Memorial and ordering a Slurpee.
Washington Post legends Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein each compared Hillary Clinton to Richard Nixon in separate interviews last week. The Nixons and the Clintons have one thing in common. They were both impeached and nearly run out of town thanks to revelations by Deep Throat.
The Washington Post reported the Congressional Cemetery caretakers have rented thirty goats from a Maryland farm for two weeks to landscape the cemetery. They’ll eat all the weeds, clover, thorns and poison ivy. Zoologists say goats will eat anything except Michelle Obama’s school lunches.
Donald Trump’s new campaign staffers succeeded in making Trump more presidential in New York. Now they all face the unknown. A Trump staff memo predicts he’ll win fourteen hundred delegates at the GOP convention but to be fair it was the same memo honoring the heroes of 7-Eleven.
Bernie Sanders’ presidential bid faded Tuesday despite drawing seventy percent of the youth vote. He faces a great future. Bernie will do so well hosting Saturday Night Live, speaking at colleges and doing Taco Bell commercials, he’ll be the first man ever to make money off of socialism.
Hillary Clinton’s victory Tuesday was tempered by the low poll numbers she’s getting over her truthfulness because of repeated attacks. Right now Hillary’s husband’s public trustworthiness poll numbers are much higher than hers. Bill Clinton may be a liar but, by God, he’s the people’s liar.
— Argus Hamilton
Monday is Tax Day. That one day out of the year even Democrats turn into Republicans.
Several alumni of “The Apprentice” held a press conference to say that Donald Trump should not be president. While on the other hand, Gary Busey went to the park to register squirrels to vote. “President Trump will save your acorns!”
— Jimmy Fallon
Donald Trump had a bit of a stumble yesterday. He was giving a speech in Buffalo and accidentally referred to the devastating terrorist attacks of 7/11 instead of 9/11. Of course, who can forget that fateful day when the Coke-flavored Slurpee machine broke and we were forced to settle for that blue raspberry stuff.
— Jimmy Kimmel