Today’s Toons 4/4/16

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Politico says the Vote Trump Get Dumped website was launched, asking women to sign up and pledge to withhold sex from men who vote for Trump. It’ll all work out. When Trump restores the economy, the men will be able to get better cars and trade in their girlfriends for a younger model.

President Obama was seen tango dancing in Argentina the night after ISIS attacked Belgium. It sent a message from the U.S. to the world. We may not be able to stop ISIS, we may not be able to wipe out ISIS, but when it comes to dance contests, we are still the world’s only superpower.

USA Today reports there’s a petition now circulating to allow GOP delegates to carry guns while they’re in the Republican Convention in Cleveland in July. It’s not what the organizers had in mind. If they wanted guns at the Republican Convention, they’d have had held it at Chicago.

President Obama was reported Monday making plans for his farewell tour of Western Europe this coming month. He’s certain to be honored there. If the Germans named a passenger blimp after President Obama, by the time it crashed and burned it could restore the good name of Hindenburg.

Donald Trump appeared on CNN with Anderson Cooper in a town hall meeting in Milwaukee Tuesday where he announced his daughter Ivanka had a baby boy. He’s only three days old and already he is playing with blocks. This morning he built a wall between himself and the housekeeper.

The Secret Service announced it will not allow Republican Party delegates to carry guns into the GOP Convention in July. There’s a petition drive to allow it. Over forty-seven thousand Americans signed a petition allowing guns in the convention, and every one of them was a Democrat.

Bill Clinton was quoted Monday saying he’s angry because Hillary’s staffers won’t allow him to call her directly with advice. She gets it from everyone. Martha Stewart calls three times a day offering to teach her how to carve a knife out of a bar of soap so she can defend herself in the shower.

Kim Kardashian broke the Internet posting a nude selfie of herself and the beautiful model Emily Ratajkowski standing topless in a women’s restroom. Bill Clinton can’t wait until he’s the First Lady when he’s allowed by the new laws protecting transgenders to walk into any restroom he wants.

Hillary Clinton in a speech Friday rejected water-boarding terrorists to obtain information on new plots. She said interrogations must reflect U.S. values. Those values have included conquest, slavery and atomic bombing so you would think ISIS would be happy to go with the dunk-tank option.

President Obama said Monday the vulgar language used by the GOP candidates for president damages the American brand. It’s always either vitriol or braggadocio. Donald Trump can’t show you baby pictures of himself without informing you that his circumcision required twenty-six stitches.

Bernie Sanders swept three primaries in Western states on Saturday due to Bernie’s appeal to college kids and liberal Democrats. His campaign has inspired a new drinking game across the U.S. Every time Bernie Sanders proposes a free government program, you drink somebody else’s beer.

Donald Trump trailed in Wisconsin after missteps with women voters last week. His troubles usually rebound to his favor. This past Monday Donald Trump’s campaign manager was arrested for assaulting a woman, automatically triggering Trump’s endorsement by the NFL Players Union.

— Argus Hamilton

I read that George Clooney e-mailed Hillary Clinton supporters a letter endorsing her for president. Or as Hillary put it, “That’s one e-mail I’ll never delete…”

The weather here in New York was sunny, but chilly. Or as meteorologists call it, “The Hillary Clinton.”

Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton said Republicans are trying to act like President Obama’s not still president. Also doing that: President Obama. He’s going to Cuba, doing the tango in Argentina. He’s basically checking off his bucket list.

— Jimmy Fallon

An opening speaker at a campaign event for Hillary Clinton yesterday asked the attendees in the audience to welcome Clinton by chanting her campaign slogan with enthusiasm. And the crowd immediately started chanting, “It’s! My! Turn! It’s! My! Turn!”

— Seth Meyers

A conservative radio host told Donald Trump he reminds him of a 12-year-old playground bully. Trump responded by shoving the host and calling him a “gaywad.”

Anderson Cooper told Donald Trump that he acts like a five-year-old. Trump then laughed really hard and said ‘Well, Cooper rhymes with ‘pooper.'”

— Conan

Donald Trump became a grandfather for the eighth time, ladies and gentlemen. When Trump actually met the baby, he was like, “Wow, look at the size of those hands!” The family says the baby is doing well and has already used its building blocks to build a wall between him and his nanny.

Trump’s campaign manager Corey Lewandowski was recently arrested and charged with battery of a female reporter after he allegedly grabbed and twisted her arm, but Trump is dismissing the allegations and is standing by his campaign manager. I know what you are thinking — how is this the one time that Trump doesn’t say, “You’re fired.”

Trump’s explanation for keeping Lewandowski on staff is that he’s a loyal person. And Trump IS a loyal person. Just ask any of his three wives.

— James Corden

Donald Trump got a nice delivery on Sunday: a new grandson. His daughter Ivanka gave birth to a baby boy. She named him Theodore, which is interesting. Theodore is usually shortened to Ted, like Ted Cruz. That’s one way to get back at your father. “Dad, we’d like you to meet Theodore, Rosie, Megyn Kelly, Mexicans, Muslims, Jeb Bush.”

As of a couple of hours ago, Donald Trump hasn’t tweeted about his new grandson. He’s waiting to see the birth certificate. He’s nothing if not fair.

— Jimmy Kimmel

If George Washington came back and saw what’s happening these days in the city named after him, he’d demand a paternity test.

– Ron, Grouchy Old Cripple


As I was just coming home and worrying about all the stuff going on in my life, my family’s lives, my friends’ lives, and what’s happening in Washington, Moscow, Ukraine, the Middle East, Hillary Clinton’s scandals, Jeb, Trump, Fox News, the downgrading of our military, the terrorists infiltrating our border, the illegals, the refugees, and how our country is rapidly losing its sanity and its Christianity, I saw a yard sign that said:




Out of curiosity and desperation, I called the number. A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

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