This Thread Brought To You By The Letters C & W:
In Case You Missed It Dept.:
Hillary Clinton made her pitch to the American Israel Political Action Committee conference in Washington DC today…In an attempt to win their support she cheerfully pointed out that her husband’s last girlfriend was Jewish.
Hillary Clinton faced more questions Sunday about her response to the riots in Benghazi and the attack on the US consulate. She originally blamed the riots on a video. The video was how to make money in real estate with no money down.
Miss Universe officials stripped Miss Puerto Rico of her title due to her rude and dismissive attitude and pulled her from the Miss Universe Pageant. The pageant is no longer owned by Donald Trump. So rude and dismissive no longer wins the talent competition.
President Obama scolded the GOP candidates for the brutal anti-government discourse which he said harms the American brand. It only added to the public’s cynicism. Will Rogers once joked that America has the best government money can buy, and then he died in a mysterious plane crash.
Donald Trump emerged the clear favorite for the GOP presidential nomination after his string of victories Tuesday. What a night it was. Trump won Florida, he won North Carolina, he won Illinois, he won Missouri, he seized Austria, annexed the Rhineland and marched into Czechoslovakia.
Donald Trump said his supporters might riot if he is cheated out of the GOP nomination at the convention. Then there’s the riot that happens if he gets it. Last month Trump was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, which proves that in order to get something, you have to act like you don’t want it.
Cuba is set to welcome Barack Obama as he becomes the first U.S. president to visit Cuba since Teddy Roosevelt charged up San Juan Hill. There are murals all over Havana with Obama’s portrait next to Castro’s portrait and Che Guevera’s portrait. The whole city looks like a GOP bumper sticker.
Secretary of State John Kerry arrived in Paris on Tuesday with France’s foreign minister and called for a resumption of Syrian peace talks in Geneva. Hopefully they’ll go better than the peace deal he negotiated to control Iran. John Kerry couldn’t stop a ketchup fight at a Heinz family picnic.
Donald Trump said in a Fox News interview Tuesday that he’s about to change his combative style onstage now that he’s the potential Republican Party nominee. Trump announced that he will begin to act more presidential. This is the most eagerly-awaited transition since Bruce became Caitlyn.
President Obama was reportedly told in December he could go to Havana and restore relations with Cuba and make history. But he’d have to stay on an island with no golf courses for three days. The reason many Republicans secretly like Obama is because he had to think it over for three months.
USA Today polls show the Millennial generation don’t support Donald Trump’s campaign for president and they don’t support Hillary Clinton’s campaign, either. It really doesn’t matter. The Millenial generation won’t vote on Election Day anyway after they discover they can’t text their vote.
Donald Trump rallies in Arizona overcame road blockades by protesters who were organized by leftist and pro-amnesty agitators. The entertainment begins when the protesters encounter the bouncers. The Donald Trump rallies are so violent that Ring magazine has begun rating the fighters.
The Arizona Republic newspaper reported Monday John McCain may be in for the toughest re-election fight of his twenty-eight year U.S. Senate career. There’s a whiff of scandal in the air. It’s been reported that John McCain and Mary Todd Lincoln may have been more than just friends.
Democratic Socialist candidate Bernie Sanders vowed Friday to carry on his campaign all the way to the Democratic Convention. Last week, Bernie proposed a fifteen trillion dollar tax increase on all Americans. Everything he promises is free, but the fifteen trillion covers shipping and handling.
The Brussels terror attack set off alarm bells around the world on Tuesday. Already it’s a U.S. campaign issue. Hillary said our response should reflect our values, Ted Cruz called for a strong response, and Donald Trump announced plans to replace NATO with the cast of Celebrity Apprentice.
John Kasich vowed to remain in the GOP race and win the nomination at the GOP convention Friday. To win he needs one hundred-twenty percent of the remaining delegates, and this is a guy who is campaigning on his budget experience. Anybody can balance the budget doing math that way.
Bernie Sanders traveled to the U.S.-Mexican border in Texas where he gave a campaign speech Saturday. He’s lucky he’s not in jail today. By promising free health care, free college and low-income housing within earshot of Mexico he could be arrested in Texas for trying to start a stampede.
Belgian police were reported looking for a notorious ISIS bomb-maker who likely engineered the terrorist attacks on Monday. After victories in Paris, San Bernardino and Brussels, ISIS has made it to the Final Four. President Obama is baffled, it’s the furthest a JV team has ever advanced.
Donald Trump warned Ted Cruz to lay off Melania’s nude layouts or he’ll spill the beans on Ted’s wife Heidi. It’s a breakthrough case study. Donald Trump has never touched a drop of liquor and he’s proving that you don’t have to be an alcoholic to be belligerent, narcissistic and grandiose.
President Obama attended a ballgame in Havana Tuesday between Cuba and the Tampa Bay Rays and discussed the Brussels terror attacks with ESPN from his seats. The intelligence was still sketchy. He was unable to say exactly how many outs there were or how many runners were on base.
— Argus Hamilton
Trump Tower in Chicago was struck by lightning during the Illinois primary, which Donald Trump went on to win. Nobody was hurt, but God was like, “Crap, I missed.”
Speaking of Trump, he recently said that if he becomes president he’ll force Apple to start making its products in the United States. It’s great news for anyone who wants to pay $20,000 for an iPhone.
The president of CNN rejected claims that the network has given Donald Trump too much attention, and said he feels no responsibility for the rise of Donald Trump. Makes sense. Just because someone mentions Trump a lot on TV doesn’t mean they’re responsible for what he does if he’s president.
John Kasich has actually been pretty vocal in his criticism of Trump’s antics. He also said Trump should remember that he’s not “Running for the presidency of the WWE.”
Obama also spoke in Cuba yesterday and said that U.S. airlines will start making commercial flights to Cuba this year. But first, Obama said he wants to see a greater respect for human rights — not in Cuba, at LaGuardia.
Bernie Sanders recently spoke at the U.S.-Mexico border in Arizona and said, “we don’t need a wall.” Then Bernie said, “But then again, I also told Noah we didn’t need an Ark, so who knows?”
The State Department is having to hire more staffers to review all of the requests that are being filed for Hillary Clinton’s emails. Or as Hillary put it, “See, I’m creating jobs already. I told you!”
— Jimmy Fallon
Democratic National Committee head Debbie Wasserman Schultz today denied accusations that she is taking sides in the primary election season, and said, “There is no shred of evidence to suggest that I’m favoring Hillary Clinton over Bernie Socialist — I mean Bernie Sanders.”
A new study has found Donald Trump speaks with the poorest grammar of any presidential candidate. Said Trump, “It’s actually the poorliest.”
— Seth Meyers
There was a primary in Arizona and caucuses in Idaho and Utah. Donald Trump was behind in the polls in Utah — Utah is not particularly friendly territory for Donald Trump because most of the voters there are sober.
— Jimmy Kimmel