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In Case You Missed It Dept.:
Dos Equis announced they’re replacing the guy who plays the Most Interesting Man in the World in TV ads. It’s about time. It was killing Trump to be second-most interesting, and his promotion has been overdue since he vouched for his penis size in a nationally televised GOP presidential debate.
Dr. Ben Carson stood onstage next to Donald Trump at the businessman’s Mar-a-Lago Resort in Florida Friday and shook hands with him and endorsed Trump for president. Big game hunters were very impressed by the feat. It’s the closest that a brain surgeon has ever gotten to Donald Trump.
President Obama hosted Canada’s PM Justin Trudeau on Thursday in the wake of the Forbes magazine report saying Canadians are now wealthier than Americans per capita. You can’t make it up. Ten years ago, America was the world’s only superpower and today we are Canada’s Mexicans.
The GOP candidates discussed foreign policy ahead of Tuesday’s winner-take-all primaries in Ohio and Florida. It’s suddenly a hot topic. On Monday, North Korea’s Kim Jung Un said he has a miniaturized nuclear warhead, prompting Donald Trump to respond that he has no problem with his.
Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream of Vermont introduced a new ice cream honoring Bernie Sanders’ presidential bid called Bernie’s yearning. It’s half-chocolate and half-mint. The ice cream honoring Bernie Sanders sells for three dollars and ninety-nine cents for a pint, six hundred dollars after taxes.
Democratic socialist candidate Bernie Sanders wore a serious face Monday when he declared Republicans incite hatred toward minorities and immigrants. Bernie prefers wearing his serious face and he never tells jokes onstage. Jokes about socialism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them.
The White House said President Obama’s nominee for the Supreme Court will be announced and sent to the GOP Senate next week. To save time and money, they should hold the confirmation hearings in Orlando or Anaheim, because Obama’s nominee will only be confirmed in Fantasyland.
Donald Trump was speaking to a crowd Saturday when a man rushed up on the stage, causing the Secret Service to jump onto the stage and surround Donald Trump. It was a chaotic scene. The Secret Service said that the man was dangerous, scary and ranting, but it was their job to protect him.
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were the huge winners in Tuesday’s GOP and Democratic race. It was a clear sign of the times. Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton leading in the race shows that Americans today don’t want to be led, they don’t want to be inspired, they want to be entertained.
Ben and Jerry’s just introduced a mint chocolate chip ice cream honoring Bernie Sanders. It’s ninety-nine percent mint under a one-percent top crust of chocolate chip. So you literally have to break up the one-percent and distribute it among the ninety-nine-percent to have mint chocolate chip.
President Obama vowed in an interview Monday to work hard his last year in office to achieve a Syrian peace deal. You don’t want your presidency to end badly. When Bill Clinton left the White House, he was so disgraced that he wasn’t allowed to join Pebble Beach, and it’s a public golf course.
President Obama is flying to Cuba Sunday to help open it up to U.S. businesses. The candidates weighed in. Hillary Clinton backs the trip, Ted Cruz opposes the trip, Bernie Sanders urged Cuba to stand by their revolutionary principles and Donald Trump said that he has the biggest Cuban cigar.
Dr. Ben Carson said Thursday Donald Trump has a public face that’s forceful and blunt and a private face that is smart and thoughtful. He came out and endorsed Trump for president last week. In return, Dr. Ben Carson has just been named dean of the Trump University Medical School.
Donald Trump told a cheering rally Tuesday that riots could break out if backroom maneuvers by Establishment Republicans deny him the nomination. The entire crowd cheered the idea of rioting for him. If you think Donald Trump rallies are frightening now, wait until they’re mandatory.
Iran’s military defied its treaty agreements and fired off long range missile tests in defiance of sanctions that had been negotiated by Secretary of State John Kerry. He’s now supervising the stalled Syrian peace talks in Geneva. If John Kerry ever solves a foreign problem, it’ll be one in a row.
— Argus Hamilton
At a rally over the weekend, Donald Trump was surrounded by Secret Service agents after a man tried to rush the stage. The Secret Service said the man was dangerous and disturbed, but they had to protect him anyway. Proving once and for all, the best way to keep everyone safe and sound is to build a wall around Donald Trump.
— Jimmy Fallon
According to a new report, Dr. Ben Carson was not planning to endorse any of the remaining candidates, but changed his mind after being offered a position in Trump’s White House. He would run the Department of No Energy.
It was reported yesterday that an op-ed written by Donald Trump seems to have been blatantly plagiarized from an article written by Dr. Ben Carson days before. People first became suspicious when Trump’s op-ed began, “As a black doctor…”
— Seth Meyers
President Obama seems like he’s enjoying this whole thing. He spoke at a fundraiser in Dallas where he took a moment to ruminate about Donald Trump-brand wine. I think Obama’s in his “I only have 10 months left so to hell with it” phase.
— Jimmy Kimmel