This Thread Brought To You By The Letters C & L:
In Case You Missed It Dept.:
The Academy Awards ceremony will air live on ABC from Hollywood on Sunday. The suspense is terrific. Donald Trump was endorsed by the KKK and Aryan Brotherhood, and if he can pick up the endorsements of this year’s Oscar nominees he’ll have pulled off the all-white groups hat trick.
Melania Trump gave an in-depth interview Wednesday about her upbringing in Slovenia and how she became a model and met Donald. She said she was instantly attracted to him. Donald Trump has two things that every supermodel wants in a man, ten billion dollars and high cholesterol.
Donald Trump revealed Thursday he can’t release his income tax returns because he’s in the middle of a three-year audit. It’s no secret why. Four years ago, Trump spearheaded the effort to find Obama’s birth certificate and the IRS is helping him look for it in his business travel expenses.
Ku Klux Klan former Grand Wizard David Duke told his radio listeners a vote against Trump is treason against their heritage. He’s right on schedule. David Duke always mistakes the huge sales totals from the previous week’s President’s Day white sales as an indication that recruiting is up.
Senate Republicans vowed President Obama’s Supreme Court nominee won’t be considered for confirmation. Conservatives are insulted that he didn’t attend Scalia’s funeral. President Obama didn’t attend Justice Scalia’s funeral because Catholics don’t condone dancing in the aisles.
Harlem’s Reverend Al Sharpton flew to L.A. Sunday to host a National Action Network protest at the Dolby Theater over the all-white Oscar nominees. It was a dud. They were drowned out by protesters from Wisconsin who are angry that Brie Larsen was the only nominee named after cheese.
Donald Trump explained he can’t release his tax returns because he’s in the middle of a three-year-long IRS audit. The accounting is not the point of contention. The only thing that Donald Trump claimed on his tax returns is that he is the greatest, and that’s why the audit is taking so long.
Marco Rubio accused Trump of Mafia ties, KKK sympathy and prejudice against black people, Hispanics, Asian and Muslims. Let’s hope not. If that’s true then this isn’t a presidential campaign, this is a remake of Blazing Saddles and Hedley Lamar is leading in the polls by a three-to-one margin.
President Obama will fly to Cuba this month despite fierce opposition from Cuban-Americans and Republicans. It’s only natural. When most Republicans think about a successful presidential visit to Cuba, the image that comes to mind is Teddy Roosevelt leading the charge up San Juan Hill.
Donald Trump won big on Tuesday despite brutal attacks and embarrassing endorsements. In two weeks, Trump was attacked by the Pope then endorsed by the Ku Klux Klan. Journalists now are camped in front of Casper the Friendly Ghost’s house waiting for him to break the white-robe tie.
Nation of Islam founder Louis Farrakhan on Wednesday said he liked what he sees in Donald Trump. A few days earlier Trump was endorsed by Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke. On election night Donald Trump could win the Nobel Peace Prize if all his supporters leave the victory party alive.
Dr. Ben Carson said he doesn’t see a path forward to the GOP nomination Wednesday, then he canceled appearing on last night’s GOP debate in Detroit. He’s not leaving the public eye. After November, Marco Rubio and Ben Carson will be starring as Before and After in Ambien commercials.
The White House on Thursday pledged a smooth and orderly transition to President Obama’s successor in office. It’s always a challenge. The hardest part if Hillary Clinton is elected president will be finding a office for Bill Clinton in the East Wing where Hillary can’t walk in and surprise him.
Border Patrol statistics Monday showed illegal border crossings into the U.S. rose by a hundred percent over last year. The aliens tell Border guards it’s their last chance before the Trump wall goes up. For months, Trump has been saying he’s attracting Hispanics and now there’s documented proof.
— Argus Hamilton
Hillary Clinton had a big night, picking up victories in seven states. While speaking in Miami last night Hillary said, “I believe what we need in America today is more love and kindness.” Then she added, “And I will crush anyone who won’t let me do it.”
— Jimmy Fallon
Donald Trump said in a new interview that there’s nobody that’s done so much for equality as he has. Well, he does appear to be doing everything in his power to make sure America has its first female president.
— Seth Meyers
A top official in Saudi Arabia said today that a Trump presidency would “set the world back centuries.” The Saudi added, “Which is why Trump has our full support.”
It’s being reported that the Democrats have a plan to “shatter the Republican Party.” When he heard, Donald Trump said, “Beat you to it!”
Ted Cruz is trying to tie Donald Trump to a prominent mobster. In an attempt to repair the damage to his reputation, the mobster is distancing himself from Trump.
The biggest story yesterday wasn’t about Trump or Clinton victories. It was Chris Christie’s face during Donald Trump’s victory speech. He looks like he had amnesia for a week and just remembered who Donald Trump was.
— James Corden
That’s right, Hillary Clinton’s childhood cat was named ISIS. This is the most shocking political pet news since Jimmy Carter revealed his childhood cat’s name was Ayatollah Katmeini. Politico isn’t claiming that Hillary Clinton named her cat after ISIS. We have to leave open the possibility that ISIS named themselves after Hillary’s cat.
— Steven Colbert