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GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump reacted strongly at his press conference in South Carolina on Thursday when he was suddenly faced with international condemnation. Trump is considering dropping out of America’s presidential race. He wants to make the Vatican great again.
The New Yorker ran an article about Democratic newspapers in Philadelphia and New York who have begun comparing Donald Trump’s demagoguery to Adolf Hitler’s. That’s just libelous. Say what you want about Hitler, but you’ve got to give him credit for one thing, the guy killed Hitler.
The White House said Thursday that President Obama would not attend conservative Justice Scalia’s funeral in Washington D.C. Saturday. The president had a scheduling conflict. He had already made plans to visit eighteen holes that day and couldn’t find the time to squeeze in one more.
Pope Francis raised eyebrows Thursday by saying Donald Trump isn’t a Christian because of his support for a border wall. No pope has the right to judge a Protestant. Of course Donald Trump is a Christian, he has got ten thousand carpenters working for him and half of them are named Jesus.
Rush Limbaugh accused Pope Francis Thursday of encouraging Latin Americans to illegally migrate into the U.S. in order to convert America into a socialist country. Suddenly socialism is the hot new philosophy. Bernie Sanders is leading all the polls by promising to make America Greece again.
Jeb Bush faced his supporters after his defeat in South Carolina Saturday and suspended his campaign. He had a hundred forty million dollars in donations and failed. As a result, at the Bush family Thanksgiving dinner in Kennebunkport, Jeb will have to sit at the never-been-president table.
Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia was given a beautiful high mass funeral in Washington D.C. Saturday. He was one of the greatest conservative constitutional scholars ever to sit on the High Court. President Obama did not attend Justice Scalia’s funeral, choosing instead to celebrate at home.
Cuban refugees have begun slipping over the Mexican border in large numbers to try to gain automatic U.S. citizenship through Cuba’s special boot-on-the-ground status. Once Cubans make it into the U.S. they overwhelmingly vote Republican. By October, Democrats will be calling for a wall.
Donald Trump was on MSNBC Monday where he insisted he’ll get black support in a general election and claimed that he’s well-liked by blacks in New York. It’s true. Last week Al Sharpton called Trump the White Don King, but then later apologized, saying he meant the Orange Don King.
Ted Cruz vowed to abolish Common Core, saying that it teaches kids liberal, grievance-oriented history. Lessons start early. Common Core teaches kindergartners that Jack and Jill went up the hill to live in a gated community and that the Three Little Pigs shot and killed an unarmed black man.
Washington D.C. federal judge Emmet Sullivan ruled Tuesday that Hillary Clinton may have to testify in a lawsuit claiming she trafficked state secrets on her private e-mail server. She did catch a break this week. It stormed so hard in D.C. the guy who delivers subpoenas couldn’t make it to work.
President Obama said Wednesday that he will nominate a Supreme Court justice who interprets the law and doesn’t legislate from the bench. He’s trying to offer an olive branch to conservatives. President Obama did not attend Justice Scalia’s funeral, but he wants it known that he approved of it.
— Argus Hamilton
When asked about the possibility that Mexico might not agree to pay for his border wall, Donald Trump said, “The wall just got 10 feet higher.” People in Mexico were like, “OK, well, our tunnels are exactly the same.”
In a new interview, Donald Trump’s wife, Melania, said that she speaks English, Italian, French, and German. Which is good ’cause if she ever becomes first lady she’ll need to apologize for her husband in at least those four languages.
— Jimmy Fallon
Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump won this weekend in Nevada and South Carolina, respectively. Because Americans are ready for compassionate, principled, experienced leadership OR the opposite.
Jeb Bush has dropped out of the presidential race. When reached for comment he said, “Oh NOW you wanna talk to me?!”
Following his win at last night’s Nevada caucus, Donald Trump told supporters that he won in almost every voter demographic, and said, quote, “I love the poorly educated.” To which they replied, “Us love you more, Mr. Trunks!”
— Seth Meyers
Reverend Al Sharpton called Donald Trump the “white Don King.” Today, Sharpton apologized and said, “I’m sorry, I meant the orange Don King.”
It’s been reported that Donald Trump, despite his anti-immigration stance, hired over 500 foreign workers at his Florida resort. In fairness, the resort is called “Hypocrisy Cove.”
Jeb Bush announced that he will suspend his presidential campaign after it failed to meet expectations. And you just know that Jeb’s in therapy right now, saying, “My brother was a two-term president. And I lost to the guy who fired Bret Michaels on ‘The Apprentice.'”
The Clintons also have their own dating website. It’s called Ashley Madison.
— James Corden
Dr. Ben Carson finished a distant fourth in Nevada. He only got 5 percent of the vote. But for some reason he’s still not dropping out. He’s promised to continue on. He said, “I believe that things are starting to happen here.” You know it’s time to drop out when it has been weeks since Donald Trump even bothered to call you a moron.
— Jimmy Kimmel