This Thread Brought To You By The Letters C & S:
In Case You Missed It Dept.:
Hillary Clinton saw a poll saying many Americans are wary about Bill Clinton being back in the White House. Many more are looking forward to it. Americans are so worn out by eight years of hope and change that inappropriate sexual conduct will be welcomed back like Charles Lindbergh.
President Obama spoke at a Baltimore mosque Wednesday, saying Islam was always a part of America. The next day he extolled Islam at the Prayer Breakfast. If Obama is planning to make a surprise announcement about himself during his last year in office, the audience is way ahead of him.
Donald Trump praised his Slovenian wife Melania on CNN Thursday. Two of his wives were immigrants, proving that it’s true immigrants do the jobs that Americans refuse to do. His other wife, Marla Maples, is from Georgia, and he divorced her when he found out it wasn’t Soviet Georgia.
The Des Moines Register called for a federal audit in the Iowa Democratic caucus votes after bizarre counting methods became known Tuesday. It never ends. Democrats might someday get a good night’s sleep if the Clintons could just go the bathroom without requiring a special prosecutor.
Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders debated in New Hampshire Thursday and argued over the definition of socialism. A good example popped up the next day. A Vermont tattoo artist on Friday offered to tattoo a likeness of Bernie Sanders to any registered voter for free, forty dollars after taxes.
New Hampshire was the scene of wild scrambling by the Hillary Clinton campaign Monday in a lunge for votes. Madeleine Albright told a crowd there’s a special place in hell for women who don’t support other women. They all knew what that meant, delivering pizza to the First Gentleman’s office.
The New Hampshire primary showed that Americans are fed up with Washington D.C.’s status quo. It’s a revolution one way or another. The national polls show one-third of Americans want Trump, one-third want Sanders, one-third want to ask Queen Elizabeth to forgive us and take us back.
The New Hampshire presidential primary had a record turnout of GOP and Democratic voters Tuesday. The voters had no problems making to the polls despite the bad weather. The night before, the state had a large snowstorm, but luckily there was no shortage of candidates out there shoveling it.
New Hampshire primary night gave the GOP winner a feeling of what German psychologists call schadenfreude. It’s an often-used phrase. Schadenfreude is the sexist, cruel and politically incorrect joy that Donald Trump gets watching Megyn Kelly declare him the King of New Hampshire.
Bernie Sanders called for a revolution in his speech in New Hampshire Monday. He’s furious that a kicker gets only three points for a field goal but a quarterback gets six points for a TD pass. He vowed to tax the quarterbacks and subsidize the kickers until everybody gets four and a half points.
Bill Clinton was giving a speech for Hillary in New Hampshire on Monday when he ad-libbed that sometimes he wished he wasn’t married to Hillary so he could say exactly what’s on his mind. The remark got a big laugh from the audience. Nobody seriously considers the Clintons to be married.
Bill Clinton accused Bernie Sanders supporters in New Hampshire of sexism in the tasteless ways they attack Hillary on social media. It revealed Hillary’s weak spot. Your staff isn’t officially out of touch with today’s women until Bill Clinton is your arbiter of what’s sexist and what’s profane.
New York former mayor Mike Bloomberg said Monday he’s seriously thinking about a run for president as an Independent. He’s worth forty billion dollars. As if Donald Trump hadn’t caught every break possible so far this year, his ten billion dollars now makes him the middle-class candidate.
President Obama submitted the final budget of his presidency to Congress in Washington with an added sense of urgency Tuesday. He just looked at the calendar and realized he has less than a year to finish off the country. Without the help of Iran and North Korea, he may not be able to do it.
Donald Trump’s campaign roared into South Carolina with the wind at his back following his win in New Hampshire. He’s vowing to use his business expertise to successfully transform the government. If Trump gets elected president he’s promised to build White Houses all over the country.
Donald Trump didn’t comment on John Kasich’s TV ad, which quoted the German theologian Martin Niemoeller and then likened Trump to Hitler. How unfair. It’s the American way to give a man the benefit of the doubt and besides, Trump would like to keep the invasion of Mexico a surprise.
Hillary Clinton prepared for Nevada and South Carolina primaries Thursday, needing to rally her campaign to comeback wins after her disaster in New Hampshire. The FBI’s on her trail as well. Hillary may have to convince Bill to get caught not having sex again to take some of the heat off her.
Hillary Clinton found herself fighting for survival after Bernie Sanders caught and passed her in New Hampshire Tuesday. You can’t make it up. After years of rescuing Bill from Monica, Paula, Kathleen, Juanita and Gennifer, now it’s Hillary who has to fend off the advances of an older man.
— Argus Hamilton
At the debate, Hillary Clinton addressed the controversy of her personal email server and said she has “no concerns about it whatsoever.” Democrats were like, “yeah, that’s what concerns us.”
I saw that George W. Bush is now appearing in a campaign ad supporting his brother’s presidential campaign. Jeb says he hopes it will help him win over a very specific group of undecided voters: his parents.
Congratulations to Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump on winning their parties’ New Hampshire primaries last night! In his speech, Bernie said he couldn’t have done it without the support of millions of Americans. While Trump was like, “This was ALL me! You losers did nothing!”
After finishing second in New Hampshire’s Republican primary, John Kasich said he can handle attacks by Donald Trump saying, “I’m not gonna sit there and be a marshmallow and have somebody pound me.” Then Chris Christie was like, “Anyone else as turned on as I am?”
— Jimmy Fallon
Jeb Bush’s mother, former First Lady Barbara Bush, joined him on the campaign trail yesterday for the first time. Though she did emphasize that she still hasn’t decided who she’s voting for.
Donald Trump said this weekend that he feels the Iowa caucus results were “very unfair” to himself and Dr. Ben Carson. Other things Trump considers unfair to him include Google, sidewalks, shoelaces, oxygen, and Dame Judi Dench.
During a campaign stop, a New Hampshire bar offered Marco Rubio what they called a “Marco Rubio burger.” It’s called the Marco Rubio burger because Chris Christie eats it for lunch.
Following accusations that he has an overly rehearsed speaking style, Marco Rubio was chased to his campaign bus by a group of protesters dressed as robots and calling themselves “Marco Roboto” and the “Rubio Talking Point 3000.” So one thing’s for sure: Unemployment is still a major problem.
Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders earlier tonight faced off in a debate on PBS, or as PBS calls it, “Antiques Roadshow.”
Bernie Sanders, yesterday, had breakfast in Harlem with the Reverend Al Sharpton. Interesting, usually when an old white guy goes out to Harlem, it’s because he fell asleep on the train.
— Seth Meyers
A Republican insider compared Marco Rubio’s debate performance to “looking at your iPhone and the video freezes and says it’s buffering.” After hearing this, Bernie Sanders said, “a what doing what?”
Going into New Hampshire, Jeb Bush was polling at 5th place. Not among the candidates, among the members of the Bush family.
One candidate who did not do so well last night is the winner of the 2016 presidential election, Hillary Clinton.
— Steven Colbert
This is the 100th anniversary of the New Hampshire primary. They’ve been doing this primary in New Hampshire since Bernie Sanders was 5 years old.
Bernie is very popular in New Hampshire. Hillary Clinton today spent the whole day quietly googling the words “life expectancy for old man in snowy weather.”
Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders won their respective party primaries. It was a great night for loud men with crazy hair.
— Jimmy Kimmel
Hillary Clinton was sworn in today as President. She has disposed of Bill & is spending her first night alone in the White House. She has waited several years for this!!
Suddenly the ghost of George Washington appears to her & Hillary says, “How can I best serve my country?”
Washington says, “Never tell a lie.”
“Ouch!” says Hillary, “I don’t know about that.”
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears & Hillary says, “How can I best serve my country?”
Jefferson says, “Listen to the people.”
“Ohhh! I really really don’t want to do that.”
On the third night, the ghost of Abraham Lincoln appears & Hillary says, “How can I best serve my country?”
“Go to the theater.”