Today’s Toons 2/1/16

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Harry Belafonte formed a Hollywood group aimed at stopping Donald Trump, claiming he’s racist. This could backfire. Last week, the AP reported that Trump was endorsed by an all-white group, and all he could do was stand at the microphone and thank the Academy for the nomination.

Hillary Clinton was discovered to have trafficked top secret information on her server that’s so secret even the Inspector General and House Intelligence committee can’t see it. It gets worse for Hillary. Black Democrats might boycott the Democratic primaries because all the nominees are white.

Bernie Sanders was ripped for a TV ad that shows only white people cheering for him in Iowa Sunday. It’s all explainable. Democrats fly two planeloads of black people back and forth between Iowa and New Hampshire for the crowd shots and the Extras Union doesn’t let them work on Sunday.

New York City was buried by a foot of snow after a blizzard blew up the Eastern Seaboard and coated everywhere from Georgia to New England with snow. The snowstorm worked in Hillary Clinton’s favor Friday. The guy who hands out the subpoenas couldn’t get his car out of the driveway.

The MPAA in Hollywood announced new rules on Friday broadening Academy membership to diversify the Oscar voting results. This won’t end well. A year from now, Meryl Streep will be the first of seven thousand winners to stand onstage and thank the Academy for her Participation Trophy.

Baltimore surgeons last week transplanted a penis shortly after Cape Town doctors pioneered the procedure. Scientific progress is often parallel. Last week a surgeon transplanted a monkey’s head onto another monkey’s body on the same day Sarah Palin endorsed Donald Trump for president.

Donald Trump admitted Friday he did not expect Sarah Palin to talk so long when he stood by her at a podium in Iowa Tuesday and received Sarah’s endorsement for president. For fifteen minutes he had to stand onstage without talking. Trump calls it the most painful experience of his life.

The Los Angeles Rams held a season ticket sale online from team headquarters at the Forum on Thursday. They got ten thousand orders in ten minutes but then the team website malfunctioned and crashed. As a result, half the Rams fans have season tickets and the other half have ObamaCare.

The Acapulco Times reported that a married couple in Mexico gave birth last week to a rare healthy set of quadruplets. The babies were born a few weeks early and caught the mother and father completely by surprise. That explains why the children were born in Mexico instead of Arizona.

Democratic Socialist candidate Bernie Sanders went flying by Hillary Clinton in an Iowa poll Monday due to voters’ mistrust. He’s quite exotic to Iowans. However, Bernie still gets agitated whenever somebody asks him if he’s going to do another season of Curb Your Enthusiasm if he loses.

Donald Trump jokingly told a crowd Saturday his followers are so loyal to him he could stand on Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and they’d still support him. It’s not just talk. Trump not only said he could shoot somebody and still get elected, he volunteered to demonstrate it on Ted Cruz.

The Pentagon said the U.S. will send eighteen hundred ground troops into Iraq to help capture Mosul in Iraq and Acca in Syria. The same day, an Arkansas teenager said he was turned down by the Marines because of a Confederate tattoo on his arm. They told him we aren’t THAT mad at ISIS.

Bernie Sanders took a twenty-point lead over Hillary Clinton in New Hampshire Monday. He is seventy-four years old. Bernie Sanders could be the first U.S. president whose State of the Union speech is interrupted forty-seven times by applause and twenty-three times because he has to go tinkle.

Donald Trump attended a Presbyterian service in Des Moines Sunday where the female pastor promoted amnesty. He stayed cool. During the communion ritual, when the pastor held up the bread and wine and announced the presence of the Son of God, Trump stood and waved to the congregation.

Donald Trump said he will skip Thursday’s Fox news debate because Megyn Kelly is there. She tried to embarrass him in the first debate by quoting his salty exchanges with his female critics. Later that night, Trump called Megyn a bimbo, so it’s only a matter of time before he asks her to marry him.

President Obama touted Hillary Clinton for president in a Politico interview Monday where he described his former Secretary of State as wicked smart. It had to help. President Obama added that there’s no limit to what Hillary can accomplish as president if she’s willing to ignore the Constitution.

Hillary Clinton fended off questions about her e-mail scandal during Monday’s televised town hall meeting on CNN. The FBI has one hundred-fifty agents working the case. No one wants to say Hillary could be indicted any day now, but this morning the dry cleaners made her pay in advance.

Hillary Clinton sounded frail in a CNN town hall meeting for Democratic candidates Monday night with the race tightening. It’s about to get serious. The CBS poll has Bernie Sanders beating Hillary Clinton by two points and another poll has Hillary beating Bernie Sanders with a folded chair.

Ringling Brothers yielded to pressure and agreed to take elephants out of the circus starting in April. Sometimes animal rights activists seem to go overboard. Last week a San Francisco zoo euthanized one of its elephants, not because it was sick, but because they thought it was a Republican.

New York former mayor Mike Bloomberg admitted Tuesday that he’s considering running for president as an Independent. A financial analysis recently estimated Mike Bloomberg’s worth at fifty billion dollars. He sees himself as five times more qualified to be president than Donald Trump is.

Donald Trump refused to participate to the Fox News debate Thursday because he doesn’t get along with moderator Megyn Kelly. It’s getting nasty. Yesterday Donald Trump described Megyn Kelly as a bimbo, and out of habit, Hillary Clinton ordered her to be destroyed before she goes public.

Barack Obama met Bernie Sanders at the White House Wednesday in tribute to the socialist’s popularity. Ben and Jerry’s just came up with a new ice cream flavor inspired by Bernie Sanders. It sells in the grocery store for two-ninety-nine a quart, and after taxes it’s six hundred thousand dollars.

The Environmental Protection Agency fired the federal administrator who oversaw the quality of drinking water in Michigan. The world has completely flipped in my lifetime. Believe it or not, there was once a time when all the GM jobs were in Flint and you couldn’t drink the water in Mexico.

— Argus Hamilton

The Iowa caucuses are coming up and yesterday, Lindsey Graham criticized Donald Trump and Ted Cruz and said choosing between them is like having to choose between being shot or poisoned. Graham said supporting Jeb Bush is like choosing to be slowly suffocated by an expensive pillow.

We’re one week away from the Iowa caucuses and all the candidates are doing whatever they can to appeal to voters. Donald Trump even went to a church service in Iowa over the weekend. You can tell he doesn’t go to church much because he was like, “I really like the part where they passed me the basket of free money.”

Last night CNN hosted a Democratic forum where Hillary Clinton said that if she’s elected she wants to work together with Republicans and even said she’d give them all bear hugs. By bear hugs she means like the ones you saw in “The Revenant.”

Trump said that he’s not going to the Fox News debate, because moderator Megyn Kelly is biased against him. And Trump has a right to be scared, because usually when a younger, attractive woman disagrees with him, she ends up taking half his stuff.

Remember the kid whose parents said he floated away in a balloon as a hoax in 2009? Well, Balloon Boy has officially endorsed Donald Trump for president. He was like, “What can I say, I’m prone to getting carried away by hot air.”

At a town hall in Iowa, a voter asked Hillary Clinton how her views align with the Ten Commandments, and she said that “in many areas judgment should be left to God.” Then God was like, “OK. You really shouldn’t have deleted all those emails.”

— Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump said that Ted Cruz is a liar who looks like a jerk. Not to be confused with Trump, who is a jerk who looks like a liar.

Donald Trump’s campaign released a statement announcing he will boycott tomorrow’s debate, saying, “Roger Ailes and Fox News think they can toy with him, but Mr. Trump doesn’t play games.” A statement that would carry a lot more weight if Trump hadn’t LITERALLY hosted a game show.

— Seth Meyers

An analyst for Time magazine says the key to the survival of the Republican Party is bringing in young women. When told this, Bill Clinton said, “Hey man, that’s the key to every party.”

Ben of Ben & Jerry’s is coming out with an ice cream for Bernie Sanders called “Bernie’s Yearning.” It’s selling a lot better than Jerry’s ice cream for Hillary, “Pantsuit Email Crunch.”

Huge Republican debate tonight, and the big story is Donald Trump refuses to participate. He looked at the other candidates and said “these guys are crazy.”

Nearly 70 percent of Americans said a Trump presidency would make them “anxious.” And 30 percent said a Trump presidency would make them “Canadian.”

— Conan

Someone asked Hillary who her favorite president was, and she said, “with apologies to President Obama & my husband, Bill, my favorite is Abraham Lincoln.” And then Bernie Sanders said, “Senator, I knew Abraham Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln was a friend of mine. And you, ma’am, are no Abraham Lincoln!”

Donald Trump is refusing to take part in the debate on Fox News tomorrow night because Megyn Kelly, one of the moderators there, is someone he does not like. This morning he tweeted, “I refuse to call Megyn Kelly a bimbo because that would not be politically correct. Instead I will only call her a lightweight reporter.” He said that at 5:45 a.m. You have to hand it to him, Trump insults more women by 6:00 a.m. than most people do all year.

The reason that he doesn’t like her is he claims Megyn Kelly is unfair, which makes sense. Fox News has a long and dark history of being unfair to Republicans.

Trump refused to appear in the debate because of a dispute he’s having with Fox News and one of their hosts, Megyn Kelly. He’s had a problem with Megyn Kelly ever since she followed him back to his cottage in the woods and found out his real name is Trumpelstiltskin.

On the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders is acting a little Donald Trump-y and said he wants more debates but not on Hillary Clinton’s terms, he wants them on his own terms, specifically two hours long with a half-hour break in the middle so he can watch “Wheel of Fortune.”

— Jimmy Kimmel

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