This Thread Brought To You By The Letters W & P:
In Case You Missed It Dept.:
President Obama referred to the San Bernardino shootings as an individual act of violence, possibly workplace-related, in a CBS interview Thursday. It never ends. The White House said the name of the mastermind of the mass shootings was Syed Rizwan Farook, which means Climate Change in Arabic.
The San Bernardino police found an ammunition factory and remote-control detonator panels in the Muslim shooter’s storage garage Wednesday after his murder spree. They discovered he’d flown last year to Pakistan and Saudi Arabia. The Obama Administration is still looking for a motive.
San Bernardino shooter Syed Rizwan Farook flew back to Saudi Arabia last year to marry his wife, who was also killed. She was driving the getaway SUV vehicle while Farook fired at pursuing police cars. This morning in Paradise he was penalized fifteen virgins for allowing a woman to drive.
Geraldo Rivera was fired as a talk show host on WABC Radio in New York Friday. He can be annoying. Back when he was in Iraq covering the war for CNN, Geraldo was one of only four men the U.S. military kicked out of the country, the other three being Saddam Hussein and his two sons.
The Pentagon announced Thursday it will begin allowing women to serve in front-line combat duty and allow them in elite units. The White House opened combat positions to women the day after ISIS did the same thing in San Bernardino. So you see, once again, we are leading from behind.
The FBI hosted a press briefing in Southern California Friday where they announced the San Bernardino shooting spree was an act of terrorism. It took two long days to define it as terrorism. As soon as they calculated the carbon footprint of the getaway SUV, President Obama okayed the call.
The White House stood by President Obama’s declaration in Paris that the number-one threat to the United States is climate change and carbon emissions. The enemy was quick to adjust. To stay off President Obama’s radar, ISIS just decided that all their future Toyota trucks will be hybrids.
Dick Cheney was honored in Washington D.C. on Thursday when his bust was unveiled in the U.S. Capitol. The ceremony was emceed by former president George W. Bush. Hillary Clinton’s campaign staffers were relieved to hear there was a bust unveiling in the Capitol and Bill didn’t do it.
Boston Marathon bomber Djokhar Tsarnayev’s defense lawyer asked for a new trial following his death sentence Tuesday to reconsider his guilt. His mother vowed that the U.S. will pay for convicting her innocent son. Jewish mothers and Al-Anons everywhere are in awe of her denial skills.
President Obama gave a nationwide TV address Sunday predicting that the U.S. and our allies will defeat ISIS in the long run, and he laid out his strategy to help prevent domestic attacks in the meantime. The strategy is this. If you see something, say something, just don’t say anything offensive.
NBC News reported Monday that President Obama had an off-the-record informal lunch with Hillary Clinton at the White House Monday, where Barack and Hillary discussed issues and talked campaign strategy. No one else was in attendance. It was just the two of them and their food tasters.
Mount Aetna volcano erupted in Italy over the weekend, spewing gas into the atmosphere and molten lava. It emitted tons and tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. The eruption resulted in so much global warming that President Obama predicted that Italy could be next to be radicalized.
The White House followed up Tuesday on President Obama’s speech to the nation about what the president sees as the number-one terrorist threat to the United States. The administration is dead serious. President Obama just ordered all Trumps to report to internment camps immediately.
President Obama lectured the nation Wednesday on the one hundred fiftieth anniversary of the Thirteenth Amendment, which banned slavery. It was a bad idea to remind the country that slavery has been abolished. Now doctors across the country are going on strike until Obamacare is repealed.
Time magazine named German Chancellor Angela Merkel Person of the Year Tuesday which prompted Donald Trump to say she’s ruining Germany. The media missed it. They’re so obsessed with Trump’s proposal to ban Muslim immigrants they missed him saying he prefers the old Germany.
President Obama last week reportedly slipped away from the White House without his Secret Service detail for trip to the nearby Starbucks. He made out just fine. Since the President of the United States never carries cash, he traded five Taliban commanders for a Double Latte Frappucino.
— Argus Hamilton
Christmas is right around the corner which means any day now, Donald Trump should be tweeting out an insult to Santa. “He’s fat and old and he uses illegal laborers.”
After CNN said they would not pay Donald Trump the $5 million he wanted to appear at the next debate, Trump said he would appear for free. And then he went back to saying what an amazing negotiator he is. “I’ll do it for $5 million – No? Zero? Okay. Free is my final offer.”
Jeb Bush has fallen to just 3 percent in a new poll, and his numbers continue to drop. Jeb says this isn’t the time to panic — because the time to panic was, like, five months ago.
Hillary Clinton told People Magazine that her granddaughter called her “grandma” for the first time on the same night as the first Democratic debate. Then Hillary gazed into her granddaughter’s eyes and said, “This is my night, not yours. Pick your moments.”
— Jimmy Fallon
President Obama reportedly met Hillary Clinton yesterday for a secret lunch at the White House. And then when lunch ended, Hillary said, “OK, thanks for coming over.”
— Seth Meyers
Even though Hillary Clinton is the presumptive Democratic nominee, these days she’s harder to find than her emails.
— Steven Colbert
Of course Donald Trump weighed in on this. He tweeted today, “I told you Time Magazine would never pick me as person of the year. Despite being the big favorite, they picked the person who’s ruining Germany.” Even in defeat he’s gracious.
— Jimmy Kimmel
This morning Donald Trump tweeted, “I told you Time Magazine would never pick me as person of the year despite being the big favorite. They picked the person who is ruining Germany.” First of all, I don’t think you want to go on record saying “I liked the old Germany better!”
— James Corden