This Thread Brought To You By The Letter P:
In Case You Missed It Dept.:
Hillary Clinton survived the Benghazi grilling Thursday, ending a week where Bernie Sanders supported her and Joe Biden mysteriously dropped out. She thanked her parents for all the sacrifices they made for her. Every night they would kneel in front of her picture and cut off the head of a chicken.
Hillary Clinton said in an email the day of the Benghazi attack it came from an al-Qaeda-like terror group, but then she blamed it on an anti-Muslim video. She escaped untouched. The Benghazi fiasco threatened to destroy the Clinton dream of becoming America’s first two-impeachment family.
Hillary e-mailed that Benghazi was a terror attack the night it happened but she got away with blaming it on an anti-Muslim video. House Republicans could catch Obama in a motel room with a gun in his hand, a dead intern on the floor and fifty million in Chinese gold, and they’d still blow it.
Bill Clinton made a rare campaign appearance with Hillary onstage in Iowa over the weekend where they enjoyed big crowds. The couple works well in tandem. While Hillary works to capture the woman’s vote, Bill campaigns for the other woman’s vote and between them that’s a lot of women.
The Justice Department announced they found no wrongdoing in the alleged IRS targeting of conservatives. The DOJ also found no wrongdoing in running machine guns to Mexico to track them. For eight years, the only animal allowed in the West Wing has been the Attorney General’s guide dog.
GOP presidential candidate Jeb Bush ripped Donald Trump’s proposal to deport all the illegal aliens living in the United States and send them home, insisting to a group of Iowans on Friday that it’s impractical to move twelve million people to another country. That’s not true. Mexico did it.
Obamacare set up a new website to try to get more Americans to enroll in health plans. Some applicants were still being navigated to Porn Hub. The big difference between Porn Hub and Obamacare is, with Porn Hub you can get a doctor or a nurse right away to take care of your problem.
Bernie Sanders cited Hillary Clinton for arriving late to supporting the idea of gay marriage, late to opposing the Iraq War, late to opposing Keystone, and late to opposing free trade. Arriving late to an idea is a founding Democratic party principle. Thomas Jefferson freed his slaves in his will.
Hillary Clinton celebrated her sixty-eighth birthday with a birthday party Monday with friends and family members. She’s unfailingly polite. One of Hillary’s old friends presented her with a big jar of Plausible Deniability, but you could tell by the look on Hillary’s face that she already had some.
House Republicans moved to impeach IRS Commissioner John Koskinen Monday. The GOP is angry no one was prosecuted after the IRS targeted obviously conservative groups in 2012. The death of the guy who registered himself as the Liberty Tea Party Confederate was ruled a suicide-by-auditor.
The White House rolled out a new website for Americans to use to enroll in Obamacare health plans online. Every session the GOP House votes to repeal it. If the Republicans really want to get rid of Obamacare, they should endorse it as a conservative non-profit and let the IRS take it down.
The GOP presidential candidates held a debate Wednesday at the University of Colorado that aired live on CNBC. It was highly contentious. The biggest audience cheer happened when the Republican candidates unanimously agreed on the need to use U.S. ground troops on the moderators.
Hurricane Patricia roared across Mexico and into the Texas Gulf Coast, flooding Houston this past week. It slammed into Mexico’s west coast Friday with two hundred mile an hour winds and heavy rains. The good news is, most Mexicans were not affected because they live in the United States.
Senator Marco Rubio resisted calls by newspapers in Florida Wednesday that he resign his U.S. Senate seat when a report revealed that Marco Rubio has missed fifty-six percent of all his U.S. Senate roll calls. His absentee rate is a sign of genius. It allows him to campaign for president as an outsider.
Senator Lindsay Graham scored well with Republicans in the first GOP debate on Wednesday by charging the White House with incompetence on threats to the U.S. That’s a judgment call. Last week Iran successfully tested a long range ICBM missile, or as President Obama calls it, a sign of weakness.
— Argus Hamilton
Joe Biden announced that he will not be running for president. He made the announcement with President Obama right by his side, and you could tell it was an emotional moment because at one point, Obama actually gave Biden a shoulder rub.
In his closing comments, Rand Paul said that he is running to create a government so small that you can barely see it. Paul said it would be modeled after his presidential campaign.
— Jimmy Fallon
Following Joe Biden’s announcement that he will not run for office in 2016, Hillary Clinton said she is “confident that history isn’t finished with Joe Biden.” Adding, “But I am! HA-HA!”
Former President Bill Clinton served as the warm-up act for pop star Katy Perry at a rally for Hillary’s presidential campaign. Then he stood in the audience and yelled out, “Sing that one about you kissing another girl!”
— Seth Meyers
Analysts say Bernie Sanders has shifted his focus to more aggressive attacks on Hillary Clinton. In fact, Sanders is planning to go after her emails as soon as his granddaughter explains to him what an “email” is.
Some candidates, like Democratic candidate Martin O’Malley, are having trouble getting celebrities on their bandwagon. We here at “The Late Late Show” are open to supporting you, Martin O’Malley, but first we have a couple questions. Question 1: Who are you? Question 2 . . . That is really the only question we have.
— James Corden
A devout Arab Mooslime entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.
The Arab Mooslime asked him, “What are you doing?”
The cabbie answered, “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel.”