Today’s Toons 10/26/15

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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

Democratic party officials were thrilled with CNN’s ratings for Tuesday’s presidential debate in Las Vegas. They toed the party line. During the debate, the Democratic candidates mentioned America’s middle class twenty-three times, one for each remaining member of America’s middle class.

A Gallup Poll showed Americans are looking this election for a president who doesn’t just talk the talk, but walks the walk. It’s why people loved Hillary. In Tuesday’s debate Hillary vowed to halt the excesses of capitalism, and she hasn’t charged three hundred thousand dollars for a speech since.

Judicial Watch obtained records Friday revealing that President Obama’s golf trips to Palm Springs in February and Florida in March cost the taxpayers two million dollars. The president deserves getaway time considering the hours he puts in on the job. He works a seventy-two hole week.

President Obama called Palestinian attacks on Israeli citizens acts of random violence Friday even after Hamas called for a Day of Rage that resulted in West Bank rioting. Obama admonished the Jews and Muslims to start getting along. Next he’s going to settle this Roadrunner-Coyote thing.

Fox News reporter Ed Henry reported Monday Joe Biden has decided to run for president of the United States but he hasn’t decided on what day he’s going to make the announcement. That’s been the daily bulletin for two months. Joe Biden is still deciding what he wants for dinner last night.

Hillary Clinton testifies in Congress today on Benghazi, for which she’s denied all wrongdoing and deleted e-mails. Life’s a circle. You start out your career on a House committee investigating Richard Nixon and you end up your career in front of a House committee channeling Richard Nixon.

The Central Intelligence Agency acknowledged Tuesday that a teenaged self-professed stoner has hacked into the computers of top U.S. defense and intelligence officials. The computer breach has set off alarm bells. It was first reported by Joe Biden when he noticed that Solitaire was running slow

The GAO told Congress Monday that three-fourths of U.S. students know little or nothing about geography. It puts us at a competitive disadvantage. A Rand McNally study found that only three of ten Americans can find Syria on a map, while ten out of ten Mexicans can find the U.S. without a map.

Texas clock boy Ahmed Mohamed’s family announced after his White House visit that they’re moving to Qatar. The Gulf kingdom offered them a home and free education for the boy through college. London bookies have posted two-to-one odds that he’ll be back after he finishes flight school.

Twentieth Century Fox aired a movie trailer Monday to publicize the December release of Star Wars: The Force Awakens. The huge online demand for tickets is wreaking havoc on the ticket website. One guy went to the website and ordered two tickets and wound up with Obamacare.

The Washington Post released a poll Wednesday showing that Democrats like Bernie Sanders but don’t think he can win the election. During the last debate he inspired a popular new drinking game. Every time Bernie Sanders proposes a free government program you drink someone else’s beer.

Joe Biden announced he won’t run for president in a nationwide address from the Rose Garden at the White House Wednesday. It was a sad day for political humor. If Oprah Winfrey had purchased Comedy Central stock Monday instead of Weight Watchers, she could have been wiped out.

Hillary Clinton celebrated when Joe Biden announced he won’t run for president Wednesday but the flags at the Comedy Store were lowered to half-staff. He went out guns blazing. Joe said he won’t run for president in the year 2016 but he added that he may run in four years, in the year 6016.

— Argus Hamilton

Donald Trump was supposed to be here tonight. Last night his people called, and canceled on us and were cryptic as to why he canceled. They said he had a major political commitment but wanted me to relay the message to you that if he had been here, he would have been great. I’m dying to find out what this major political commitment was. Usually that means he had to go on CNN and call someone an idiot.

— Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump is now saying that his immigration policies would have prevented 9/11. Trump is also claiming his hair would have kept the Titanic afloat.

Bernie Sanders praised Joe Biden’s decision not to run. Sanders said, “There’s only room for one goofy old dude.”

Joe Biden announced he is not running for president. And so, as promised, Hillary Clinton immediately released his dog.

— Conan

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