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In Case You Missed It Dept.:
New York City reports it’s struggling to keep an increasing population of stray cats under control. That’s a tough one. Have they tried cat-free zone signs?
During a speech in New York, Richard Branson outlined his vision for “a world where we’re powered by sun, we’re powered by wind”. Ohhhh… you mean like in the Dark Ages when everyone used sailing ships and clotheslines.
— Fred Thompson
Russia bombed U.S.-backed rebels in Syria Wednesday and warned U.S. warplanes to stay away. Iran’s special Kudz forces sped across Iraq to join the Russians in Syria. The good news is, if President Obama loses one more country in the Middle East he ties the record set by the Ottoman Empire in 1917.
Pope Francis met secretly with Kentucky’s anti-gay-marriage county clerk Kim Davis last week and encouraged her to stay strong. The pope keeps up with America’s hot-button issues. According to the Vatican, Pope Francis has seen The New Muppets Show but he does not condone pig-frog marriage.
Mitt Romney ripped Donald Trump’s foreign policy, tax cut ideas and immigration policy but he said he’d support Trump for president if he’s nominated. This is why hookers at the Moonlight Bunny Ranch in Nevada feature the Mitt Romney Special. For an extra forty dollars they will change positions.
Donald Trump led the GOP field by a wide margin in Thursday’s nationwide Pew poll. Just the day before, a word association poll taken of American voters found that the words most associated with Donald Trump are the words idiot, jerk, stupid and dumb. In other words, he’s as good as elected.
President Obama hosted a press conference on Friday on the Middle East crisis. Reacting to the Russian bombing of U.S.-backed rebels in Northern Syria and the arrival of Iranian troops who will attack the U.S.-backed rebels, the president invoked the Obama Doctrine. It states you can’t win them all.
President Obama in his press conference Friday cited Russia for bombing U.S.-backed rebels in Syria but he refused to establish a no-fly zone to protect them. His threats aren’t widely respected anymore. The red line that President Obama drew in Syria two years ago is now a Russian landing strip.
House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy said Tuesday the Benghazi Committee succeeded in shredding Hillary’s poll numbers. Democrats erupted over the gaffe. National Geographic is now planning to shoot a re-make of the movie Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, only with an all-baboon cast.
Hillary Clinton’s operatives in Nevada were caught on videotape illegally campaigning for her during a drive to register Hispanic voters. No one was asked if they were citizens. The Democratic Party used to enjoy the advantage of having eight children in every family, but now they simply order in.
Hillary Clinton announced a hard push for gun control legislation Monday during a speech on the campaign trial. It’s an issue she lives with every day. Hillary should be a Methodist Church saint for the number of times she could have pulled out a gun and shot her husband, but exercised control.
Hillary Clinton performed comedy skits on NBC’s Saturday Night Live. This followed Donald Trump bringing record TV ratings to Fallon and Colbert. A thousand years from now, historians will mark the decline of America to 1992, when Baby Boomers began electing presidents for their entertainment value.
The Drug Enforcement Agency was faced with reports that record amounts of cocaine and marijuana are flowing into the U.S. Last month, Mexico’s number-one drug lord El Chapo escaped from prison and reportedly crossed the border into the U.S. So Donald Trump was wrong, they’re sending us their best.
Capitol Hill was the site of intense negotiations this week as House and Senate leaders debated raising the debt ceiling. The request for more U.S. spending never ceases. Joe Biden just demanded more money for the War on Drugs after he heard that millions of kids are getting hooked on phonics.
Homeland Security warned Tuesday that the United States faces a grave danger in the number of Westerners going to the Middle East to join ISIS. Last Friday, a twenty-three-year-old New York City man was arrested for trying to join ISIS, but he has a good excuse. He said nobody else is hiring.
Hillary Clinton got the bad news Monday that the firefighters union has withdrawn its support for her presidential candidacy. They would have come in handy. Now Hillary Clinton cannot lie to the House Benghazi Committee in two weeks because she’ll be without backup if her pants are on fire.
— Argus Hamilton
More of Hillary Clinton’s e-mails were just released, and one shows that she had made a list of talking points for a trip to L.A. in case she ran into Ellen DeGeneres, which is ironic because Bill does the same thing in case he runs into Hillary.
Last week, the firefighters’ union announced that it was no longer supporting Hillary for president. You know your campaign’s in trouble when firefighters are like, “even WE can’t put out that many fires.”
In an interview with Al Sharpton, Hillary Clinton said Donald Trump just says whatever he needs in order to “stir up the passions of people.” Then Al Sharpton was like, “You know you’re talking to ME, right?”
The race for president is really starting to get competitive, and Donald Trump recently said that he’s actually getting ready to air his first campaign ads. Even the Geico lizard was like, “I think we already see enough of you on TV, mate.”
Hillary Clinton continues to distance herself from the Obama administration. In fact, Hillary just came out against President Obama’s Trans-Pacific Partnership Trade Agreement, also known as the TPP. Which is weird, because when Obama asked Hillary if she was down with TPP, she said, “Yeah, you know me. A flip, flop, the flippy to the flippity, flip, flip, flip, flop, you don’t stop . . .”
— Jimmy Fallon
Donald Trump confirmed in an interview today that he operates his own Twitter account. However, his mouth and his brain are run by interns.
House Republicans announced a sudden postponement to the vote to elect John Boehner’s replacement, after speakership front-runner Kevin McCarthy declared himself “unfit” for the job. Though I think he just got scared of how difficult that job must be when he found out that John Boehner is 31 years old.
— Seth Meyers
It’s being reported that Donald Trump is mentioned on social media seven times more often than any other Republican candidate. And that’s just by Donald Trump.