Today’s Toons 10/5/15

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How about that? A robot will be one of the featured speakers at a Clinton Foundation event. Must’ve figured they needed someone with more warmth and sincerity than Hillary.

Commenting on her email scandal during a CNN interview, Hillary Clinton said “there is no evidence of that”. Spoken like a woman who knows her way around a delete button.

— Fred Thompson

Pope Francis returned to Rome Monday after a history-making weekend in the United States of America. His speech to Congress changed many hearts. When Pope Francis urged Americans to embrace immigrants, Donald Trump was so moved he offered to give President Obama a great big hug.

Al Italia Airlines flew Pope Francis home to Rome Sunday night after an exhausting tour of the U.S. It was estimated that he gave twenty sermons in five days. You knew the pope had been in America a little too long when he began ending his sermons by vowing to make the Vatican great again.

House Speaker John Boehner rocked Capitol Hill Friday announcing he will resign as Speaker of the House at the end of October. The House Speaker also announced that he’s resigning from his seat in Congress. Conservatives and liberals agree that the pope has worked his first miracle on U.S. soil.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign got a boost Friday when she received the union endorsement of the United Brotherhood of Carpenters. She needed this union. They’re the ones who can build the trap doors on the debate stage if anybody brings up State Department favors to Clinton Foundation donors.

The Blood Moon drew millions out to see a full moon lunar eclipse with the sun, moon and earth lined up for a sight of a red moon in the earth’s shadow. A conservative Mormon sect warned their followers they’d just seen a sign that the end was near. Not the Blood Moon, the Pope meeting with Obama.

Bill Clinton reportedly recruited Hollywood’s Steven Spielberg to try to coach Hillary on camera technique so that she’ll become more likeable on TV. That’s a tough task. Spielberg used to get the same request from shark-lovers after Jaws came out but once the public’s mind is made up it’s made up.

Democrats hold their first presidential debate in two weeks at the Wynn Hotel in Las Vegas on CNN featuring candidates Bernie Sanders, Hillary Clinton, Martin O’Malley, Lincoln Chafee and Jim Webb. It’s no accident they are in Las Vegas. Look at the five of them, if they were cards you’d fold.

CNN will allow Joe Biden to participate in the Democratic presidential debate this month even if he enters the race late. He’d make it a lot more fun for viewers. Joe showed why we love him Sunday when he congratulated Pope Francis on the Cardinals having the best record in Major League Baseball.

Dr. Ben Carson rose to second place in the national polls for the GOP nomination for president this past week. Suddenly, he’s hot. Dr. Carson’s poll numbers have soared ever since he said that he can’t see a Muslim becoming president, although thirty-nine percent of Republicans say it’s too late.

— Argus Hamilton

Yesterday as Pope Francis rode down Fifth Avenue, Donald Trump actually stepped out of Trump Tower with his son, Donald Jr., and got booed by the crowd. Then Trump was like, “I guess they really don’t like you Donald, Jr.!”

Hillary Clinton went on “Meet the Press” yesterday, and I saw that Chuck Todd actually showed her a video of all the times she’s flip-flopped on issues. At first Hillary said she felt bad about it, but now she says she feels OK about it.

— Jimmy Fallon

When asked today if his low poll numbers would make him consider dropping out of the presidential race, Senator Lindsey Graham told reporters, “Hell no.” Which, also, incidentally, is his poll number.

In an interview today, Kim Davis said that her meeting with Pope Francis last week “kind of validates everything.” Well, except for a lot of marriage licenses.

— Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton is by far the favorite to win the Democratic nomination even though her presidential campaign has had more than its share of bumps in the road, from the Benghazi controversy to her private email server to the persistent allegation that she’s less charismatic than a 70-year-old socialist who doesn’t own a phone.

According to The Washington Post, when Clinton ran for president in 2008, she was 5’5″ according to a height report from the Clinton campaign. But now, news sources say Hillary Clinton is 5’7″ tall. Hillary Clinton has added two inches. This couldn’t be one of those classic cases where a woman hits her 60s and suddenly gets taller. This sensation over Hillary’s elevation might be the thing that finally takes her down, or up. We don’t know at this point. Hillary says she opposes Keystone XL, but maybe she’s holding out for XXL. If Hillary continues to grow, think how big she’ll be when she finally reaches the Oval Office. We won’t have to worry about Iran because mega-Hillary can swat missiles out of the sky!

On Friday, despite our trade wars, tension in the South China Sea, and Chinese hacking attacks, President Obama gave President Xi Jinping a full South Lawn welcome, where the Chinese president greeted every White House staffer by name and bank account.

CNN will break new ground by live streaming the next primary debate in virtual reality. With the help of a virtual reality headset, users can actually watch the debates from the perspective of an audience member. It’ll feel like you’re seeing Hillary Clinton right in front of you, but she’s not actually there — just like the real Hillary Clinton!

— Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump is still going strong. We all thought that was going to last a couple of weeks and we’d all have a good chuckle, but it continues. On “60 Minutes” last night, Donald Trump called for a tax hike on wealthy Americans. As a result, Donald Trump said he can no longer support Donald Trump.

— Conan

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