Today’s Toons 9/21/15

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Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack said his agency is looking for “creative ways” to give public school students access to 3 meals a day year-round. Perfect. They won’t get an education, but at least they’ll get bread lines and soup kitchens.

Iran’s Ayatollah Khamenei said “there will be nothing left of Israel in 25 years”. I remember the last time Muslims thought that about Israel. For 6 days.

In another campaign reboot, the New York Times reports that Hillary Clinton plans to be more “spontaneous”. Ohhhh… you mean more like a consulate protest.

John Kerry said he plans to create a “transparency coordinator” position in the State Department. Why? Iran chanting “Death to America” seems pretty clear.

Now on Hillary’s campaign site: a page called “Hillary’s emails in 4 sentences.” That clears things up. I guess the only question left is: concurrent or consecutive?

California lawmakers have approved a bill to allow doctors to give patients suicide pills. I guess it was next. They already gave one to the state’s economy.

The State Department has had to hire 50 new people to deal with all the Hillary-related document and FOIA requests. And that’s just the ones they hired to ignore them.

New city population rankings puts Houston above Chicago. Chicago angrily disputes the rankings, pointing out the survey only counts those who are living.

A new undercover video shows Hillary Clinton campaign staffers knowingly violating voter registration laws. Well looky there… trouble that Hillary really CAN blame on a video.

— Fred Thompson

Louisiana Governor and GOP candidate Bobby Jindal gave a speech at the National Press Club Thursday and called Donald Trump a narcissist and an egomaniac and compared Trump to Charlie Sheen. It aired live on all the cable news channels. Charlie Sheen saw the speech and gave up cocaine.

New England Patriots star Tom Brady gave an interview to a Boston radio station Wednesday in which he was asked to clarify his personal friendship with Donald Trump. The quarterback said he won’t say who he supports for president but he loves Donald Trump. He loves anything that releases air.

Donald Trump expanded his lead over GOP presidential rivals in Thursday’s nationwide CNN poll while socialist Bernie Sanders led in Iowa. The electorate is in a nasty mood toward familiar politicians. Mike Huckabee volunteered to go to jail on Saturday and he gained three points in the polls.

GOP candidate Dr. Ben Carson spoke in Anaheim Wednesday and accused Donald Trump of being divisive. Being in politics is like being under arrest, anything you say can be used against you. Dr. Ben Carson is the first doctor in history to separate conjoined twins, so if anyone’s divisive it’s him.

Hillary Clinton’s doctor reported that Hillary is healthy and fit to be president of the U.S. Two years ago, she suffered a brain clot when she fell and hit her head on Bill’s desk at home. It’s made out of oak from an eighteenth-century British warship which once saw action against the French maid.

Secretary of State John Kerry called the Kremlin Thursday to protest Russia’s building military bases in Syria. Last year he failed to keep the Russians out of Ukraine and this year he negotiated the Iran nuclear deal. The day Secretary of State John Kerry solves a foreign crisis, it’ll be one in a row.

House Republicans plan to cite President Obama for not following the Corker Bill and keeping Congress informed on Iran nuclear negotiation details before the U.S. could lift sanctions. It appears the president broke the law. So much for First Tee’s claim that golf teaches you to play life by the rules.

Donald Trump set off a furor in a Rolling Stone interview Thursday in which he dismissed GOP candidate Carly Fiorina’s electability because of her looks. His remarks raised a warning flag. It revived fears that if Donald Trump is elected president, he will someday leave us for a younger country.

Dr. Ben Carson spoke in Anaheim Friday where he boasted of his own humility and evangelical faith and questioned Donald Trump’s religious authenticity. Actually, Trump is a religious icon to many. For forty years, white Protestants in America have awaited the coming of their own Don Rickles.

Secretary of State John Kerry warned Russia’s government Friday to back off from its military build-up in Syria including troops, naval bases and barracks. There’s a lot of lingering suspicions. Last year, the Russians agreed to join America in the war with ISIS but they didn’t say on which side.

Hillary Clinton got the bad news Sunday that the thirty thousand e-mails she erased might be recoverable by the FBI. This raises a question. If Hillary drops out of the race, will it be correct to address her as former Secretary of State Clinton or former Senator Clinton or the former Mrs. Clinton?

NBC made headlines Monday by hiring Arnold Schwarzenegger to host NBC’s Apprentice next spring in place of Donald Trump, who left the show to run for president. The network is completely shameless. It’s just another example of hiring an immigrant to do the jobs that Americans refuse to do.

GOP presidential candidate Bobby Jindal unleashed a campaign video where he ripped Donald Trump, calling him a clueless narcissist and egomaniac. It’s easy to assert. Speaking to a group of rabbis last weekend, Donald Trump quoted the words God said to Moses, and added that God was right.

Rick Perry stood before a packed audience Friday and laid out specific proposals to halt illegal immigration, revive the economy and defeat terrorism. He then announced he’s dropping out of the presidential race. We need more candidates like Rick Perry–men who’ll drop out of the presidential race.

Hillary Clinton released a video expressing support to all women who have ever been victims of sexual assault. She declared they have a right to have their voices heard. Hillary’s heard those voices many times herself, sometimes in the next room, sometimes in the study and sometimes in the driveway.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign leaked her new strategy to the New York Times last week, saying that the new Hillary will be more authentic and spontaneous. The next day, reporters said she looked exhausted during a speech in Iowa. She stayed up all night rehearsing her authenticity and spontaneity.

Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders led Monday’s polls, confirming the anti-establishment mood in the country. Americans are fed up with how Washington is being run. The D.C. Mayflower Madam decided not to run for the House because she didn’t want her daughter to know she was a Congressman.

— Argus Hamilton

On Friday, Rick Perry announced that he is dropping out of the presidential race. It’s too bad. This country really needs more candidates like Rick Perry — you know, candidates who will drop out of the presidential race.

As you can imagine, with Hillary Clinton being here, security is very tight. The Secret Service has been here all day sweeping the halls, the offices, the hard drives … It’s tight.

— Jimmy Fallon

Jeb Bush said last night that he wants to see Margaret Thatcher on the $10 bill. While Donald Trump said, “They make a $10 bill?”

— Seth Meyers

Tonight the Republican candidates for president gathered to debate at the Reagan presidential library, not too far from us here in Simi Valley. Debates are a great way to learn about candidates. For example, tonight I learned there were people running for president other than Donald Trump.

— Jimmy Kimmel

Hillary Clinton, meanwhile, is struggling in the polls. According to political analysts, Hillary Clinton is now trying to make herself seem more relatable to the average person. Today, she spent the day criticizing Hillary Clinton.

— Conan

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