This Thread Brought To You By The Letters C & P:
In Case You Missed It Dept.:
In his weekly address, President Obama said he’d “push our economy and the world to ultimately transition off of fossil fuels”. Uh huh. Still waiting for him to start flying around in that solar-powered Air Force One.
During an interview on CNN, Bernie Sanders said “the business model of Wall Street is fraud”. And if elected, I’m sure Bernie will quickly get that switched over to bailouts and bankruptcy.
The head of Iran’s elite Revolutionary Guard said that the US is still the “Great Satan” regardless of the nuclear deal. President Obama quickly pointed out that the important thing is that Iran still views the US as “Great”.
At a Hillary Clinton fundraiser in the Hamptons, the host’s lawn sprinklers turned on and drenched 200 guests. How about that? After decades of empty promises, a Democrat has at last successfully soaked the rich.
Donald Trump said that the Iran deal calls for the US to defend Iran against an Israeli attack. That’s ridiculous on the very face of it. Iran knows better than to count on Obama as an ally.
John Kerry said that the nuclear deal is safe, since “Iran could never get away with such a deception”. I see… So, anyone ever find the data on Lois Lerner’s hard drive?
The State Department is complaining that there are too many federal judges involved in investigating Hillary’s emails. Yeah, we had that same problem with President Nixon.
An Iranian commander said his country is getting prepared to “overthrow” Israel. Which is more notice than we’ll get when they finally get their nuke built.
The Los Angeles City Council has approved a far-reaching transportation plan to improve traffic patterns. Should be easy enough. Just build more roads headed out of California.
— Fred Thompson
Donald Trump signed a pledge to remain in the GOP Thursday and vowed not to run as a third party Independent candidate. It’s obvious why. When Donald Trump found out last week that U.S. presidents have the power to rename mountains as well as buildings, he became willing to sign anything.
Donald Trump gave quite a performance in a news conference Thursday following his meeting with RNC Chairman Reince Priebus in which Trump signed a GOP loyalty oath. He has only one sex scandal. The Ashley Madison list revealed that Donald Trump has been having an affair with himself.
Joe Biden flew to Miami Thursday to assure Jewish Democrats the Iran nuclear deal is safe for Israel. He’s a dedicated defender of their faith. Every December at the White House Hanukkah ceremony Joe Biden lights the seven candles on the menorah then he makes a wish and blows them out.
UFC superstar fighter Ronda Rousey on Thursday accepted an invitation mailed to her by a U.S. Marine to attend the Marine Corps Ball with him this coming December. This is definitely couple overkill. When they heard that Ronda Rousey is teaming up with the Marines, ISIS retreated to the hills.
Saudi Arabian King Salman arrived in Washington Friday where he rented out the entire Four Seasons hotel and ordered four hundred limousines for his entourage. The news didn’t please Donald Trump. The King of Saudi Arabia just took a two-point lead on him in the New Hampshire primary poll.
The Los Angeles Times ripped Donald Trump for kicking Univision anchor Jorge Ramos out of his press conference. He was badgering Trump on his deportation policy. Ramos was kicked out of the press conference, but he returned five minutes later to ask more questions after he tunneled back in.
ESPN suspended Curt Schilling for the rest of the baseball season for comparing radical Islam to Nazis in a tweet. In fact, Hitler recruited a division of radical Muslims to patrol the Nazi occupied Balkans. It just shows how much the Fuhrer hated seeing cartoon images of himself in the newspapers.
ABC World News Tonight reports Eli Lilly is asking the Food and Drug Administration to allow Cialis to be sold over the counter by next year. That’s just in time. Over eighteen million American men have erectile dysfunction but doctors say that number could double if Hillary gets elected president.
Hillary Clinton spoke to ABC News and finally apologized for using private e-mail as Secretary of State. She erased it, depriving history of learning what Hillary and President Obama actually did the night of the Benghazi attack. Hillary Clinton’s motto is, if two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
Hillary Clinton told ABC Tuesday that Joe Biden would make a fine president. However, earlier in the day, she confidently declared that she hopes America is ready for a woman in the Oval Office. That was the great thing about her husband Bill, he was always ready for a woman in the Oval Office.
Joe Biden was urged to run for president by the crowd at the AFL-CIO Labor Day parade held in Pittsburgh on Monday. As the vice president marched along the Pittsburgh street the crowd chanted Run Joe Run. They were afraid if Biden stood in one place long enough he would start giving a speech.
A New York tourist entered a Muslim bookstore in Queens Thursday and asked the owner if he had Donald Trump’s book on the problems caused by Muslim immigration. The owner told him to get out and never come back. The customer said yes, that’s the one, and asked if he had it in paperback.
South Carolina U.S. Senator Lindsay Graham appeared on the Fox News Report with Bret Baier and a panel of pundits on Tuesday to discuss his presidential candidacy. It’s all about timing. Right now Lindsay Graham is polling at zero percent, and he’s beginning to worry that he’s peaking too soon.
Hillary Clinton spoke with ABC News Tuesday and she finally admitted she made a mistake to do State Department business on her home computer. Tech help is always at her fingertips. Last night, Hillary Clinton forgot her computer password, but luckily the Russian hackers have a toll-free number.
— Argus Hamilton
Donald Trump has finally signed the Republican pledge saying that he will not run as a third party candidate if he doesn’t win the Republican nomination. He signed it Jeb Bush.
According to a New York Times report, Hillary Clinton’s campaign is trying to put the whole email scandal behind her. They say they want to start bringing humor and spontaneity to her campaign. And nothing says spontaneity like announcing you’re about to be spontaneous. “Here comes the spontaneity in 3, 2, 1 … Boo!”
Everyone’s still talking about Donald Trump. Even Tom Brady. In an interview yesterday, Brady said that Donald Trump occasionally calls him up to give “motivational speeches. “I think we know the REAL reason Tom Brady destroyed his cellphone.
— Jimmy Fallon
Political insiders are saying that Donald Trump’s continued popularity is causing Mitt Romney to consider entering the GOP primary race. Wow, Mitt Romney. Just when you thought the GOP field couldn’t get any more interesting, you were right.
Donald Trump is under fire after he was caught saying of his Republican rival Carly Fiorina, “Look at that face! Would anyone vote for that?” Then an aide said, “Mr. Trump, you’re pointing at a mirror.”
— Seth Meyers
It’s important for candidates to set themselves apart with one-of-a-kind items like Hillary Clinton’s “Chillary” drink koozie. It’s her favorite way to keep a beverage cold unless polling indicates a more popular cooling method.
— Stephen Colbert
Israeli Airport Security
What a simple and brilliant idea! It’s hard to beat Israeli technology!
TEL AVIV, Israel – The Israelis have developed an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.
It’s an armored booth that each passenger must step into that will not X-ray them, but will detonate any explosive device they may have on their persons.
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of that crap about racial profiling. It also eliminates the costs of long and expensive trials.
You’re in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.
Shortly thereafter, an announcement:
“Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is pleased to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London. Shalom!”