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In Case You Missed It Dept.:
Staffers say that Vice President Joe Biden received President Obama’s “blessing” to make a 2016 bid for the White House. Are they sure? Did it happen right after Biden sneezed?
On ABC, Josh Earnest said that the economy is “building momentum”. Well, Josh, things that are rapidly going downhill often do that.
Speaking in Las Vegas, President Obama said the US does not “rely on bluster or bravado” when it comes to preventing Iran from obtaining nuclear weapons. Instead, Obama’s leaning on the honor and reason of people chanting “Death to America”.
The head of the International Atomic Energy Agency said the inspection arrangements they have with Iran “do not compromise our standards in any way”. Which says more about their standards than anything else.
Hillary Clinton announced a multi-step plan to grow the economy and local services in rural areas. Good. So what’s the date for shutting down the EPA?
In New Jersey, a teacher was late for work 111 times in two years, but was still allowed to keep his teaching job. Unbelievable. You’d think he’d have been promoted to administration by now.
At a fundraiser, President Obama told the story of how he got conned and hustled on the golf course by Derek Jeter. But this Iran deal is a solid bargain, right?
At a campaign stop in Iowa, Hillary Clinton said her decision to use a private email server was “not the best choice”. Finally! The perfect Hillary 2016 slogan.
A four-year investigation found that Solyndra officials lied to get a $535 million loan guarantee from the federal government. Huh. This from the “if Iran cheats, we’ll know” administration.
A new poll shows that “liar” is the first word that comes to mind when voters think of Hillary Clinton. They must be thinking of her husband. Hillary goes by “Mrs. Liar”.
A new report shows that the federal government is so big, it no longer has an accurate count of the number of federal agencies. President Obama said he is “deeply concerned” and has vowed to create a new agency to count them.
Democrat Congresswoman Rosa DeLauro said she wants to make “child care a right for all working families”. Wonderful. “If you like your nanny, you can keep your nanny”.
After signing the nuclear deal, Iran appears to have built an extension on one of its nuclear sites. I’m guessing it’s not a visitors’ center to welcome the UN’s nuclear inspectors.
A new study indicates that while students are getting more food on their trays, food waste has increased 56%. Michelle Obama is pushing for the obvious fix: count garbage cans as students.
ISIS said it plans to weaken the US dollar and deliver a “blow to America’s capitalist financial system of enslavement”. OK, guys… you REALLY need to stop cribbing from Bernie Sanders’ campaign literature.
— Fred Thompson
Joe Biden’s son and top staff advisor Hunter Biden’s name and credit card numbers turned up on the list of Ashley Madison clients on Friday. He blamed it on Russian agents trying to undermine his important work. He writes all the apologies clarifying what his father meant to say the night before.
Donald Trump said Friday that his sister would make a fantastic U.S. Supreme Court Justice, and GOP conservatives panicked. She’s an accomplished federal judge and pro-choice. Republicans are like scientists in the science fiction movie who just realized that their creation has escaped from the lab.
The Congressional Budget Office reports that federal spending will increase the national debt to eighteen trillion dollars by November. A McDonald’s in Texas is now offering customers the Obama Special. You order everything you want on the menu and the next three people in line have to pay for it.
President Obama announced Sunday he’s renaming Mt. McKinley in Alaska back to its original Alaskan Indian name of Denali. Who gave him the power to do that? If Bill Clinton knew that presidents could rename mountains, the Grand Tetons would be known today as the Bodacious Ta Tas.
President Obama flew to Alaska Monday for an environmental conference in Anchorage where he’s renaming Mt. McKinley back to its original Alaskan Indian name Denali, which means the High One. It’s being re-named for sentimental reasons. Denali was the president’s nickname in high school.
The White House restated President Obama’s intention to close Guantanamo terrorist prison by the end of his term. It has air conditioning, two soccer fields, a library, a gym and six guard towers. There is no reason to close it down when it could be converted instantly into a Los Angeles high school.
President Obama appointed a career U.S. diplomat to the newly-created post of Hostage Envoy. It is part of an effort to streamline the way the U.S. government handles U.S. citizens being taken hostage by terrorists. It’s the first sign that President Obama is preparing to reopen the U.S. Embassy in Teheran.
Hillary Clinton was beset by more email threatening her candidacy Monday, keeping cable news channels fed with fresh hay for the day. Fox News captures Hillary Clinton every morning, and every afternoon CNN lets Hillary Clinton get away, which keeps everybody happy. When Republicans wake up early in the morning, they have got her, and by the time Democrats get up, she’s free as a bird.
Kanye West accepted an award at the MTV Awards Sunday. He announced that because of the unique talents only he possesses and the grand vision for America only he can conceive, he’s running for president in five years. It’s obvious to all that Donald Trump is now available in vanilla or in a plain brown rapper.
Donald Trump announced he’s boycotting Oreo cookies because they just moved their bakery to Mexico. The flight of industry is a growing concern. The makers of Oreos defended their decision, saying it was cheaper to make the cookies in Mexico, then smuggle them across the border into the U.S.
Joe Biden was publicly encouraged by leaders of the NAACP to enter the Democratic primaries and run for U.S. president this week. They appreciate the VP’s good work in race relations. During the last seven years, Joe Biden has single-handedly destroyed the myth of white supremacy once and for all.
Donald Trump couldn’t answer when a reporter asked him if he preferred the Old Testament or New Testament Friday. One is about immigrants who flood a new country illegally and the second one is about a guy who tells the rich to give away their wealth for eternal life. Donald is still thinking it over.
Donald Trump criticized President Obama Tuesday for renaming Mt. McKinley to its original native Indian name of Denali this week. The two guys are so much alike it’s funny. If no one was looking, Donald Trump and Barack Obama would give Mt. McKinley the same new name, Mount Me.
President Obama visited the Alaskan Arctic village of Seward on Wednesday. Seward is named after the Secretary of State William Seward who bought Alaska from Russia in 1867. For all Barack Obama knows about U.S. history, the Indians are just grateful that he didn’t re-name the village Gandhi.
Hillary Clinton gave a speech to donors in the backyard of a Hamptons mansion Sunday and the sprinkler system went off, soaking everybody and ruining their hair. That night Hillary had a really bad nightmare. She dreamed something went right and woke up in a cold sweat not knowing what to do.
— Argus Hamilton
At the end of his speech, Kanye West announced that he’s running for president in 2020. He announced he’s running for president after smoking a bunch of weed. Then Obama was like, “Been there!”
Trump is doing pretty well in the polls right now, and he’s pretty confident. Which may be why he’s said he doesn’t plan on running campaign ads that attack the other candidates. When asked who the ads would attack instead, he said “Their mothers! It’s their fault those losers are here to begin with!”
According to a new poll, Hillary Clinton has lost a third of her supporters in Iowa since May. There’s still debate as to whether she lost them or just deleted them from her database.
NBC just announced that President Obama will appear on an episode of “Running Wild With Bear Grylls” later this year. Yeah, I guess the episode features Obama roughing it on a golf course that hasn’t been mowed for a couple of days.
Anthony Weiner is denying Donald Trump’s suggestion that his wife, Huma, shared classified information with him while she worked for Hillary Clinton. And as we all know, nothing puts a rumor to rest like a denial from Anthony Weiner. “I didn’t send those pics! Oh those pics? Yeah I sent them.”
— Jimmy Fallon
Obama was in Alaska today to raise awareness on climate change and while he was there, he taped an episode of “Running Wild With Bear Grylls” where celebrities eat mice and squirrels and drink bodily fluids. In this one, the president teaches us how to survive alone in the wilderness surrounded by 15 secret service agents disguised as trees.
Today Donald Trump signed a loyalty pledge to the Republican Party saying that he would endorse for president whoever wins the Republican nomination and would not run as a third-party candidate as he has threatened to in the past. And I’ll tell you something. When Donald Trump makes a vow, he keeps it. Ask any of his wives, they will tell you.
— Jimmy Kimmel
At a press conference yesterday, Donald Trump kicked out a Latino reporter but the man returned a few minutes later. Yeah, so already Trump’s deportation plan isn’t working.