Today’s Toons 8/31/15

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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

The IRS admitted that identity thieves breached their database and stole information on 300,000 taxpayers. Well, they may not be able to keep us safe, but at least they’re quick with a body count., a dating site for married people, had its membership list leaked, including 15,000 government email addresses. That’s good news. At least you know those guys showed up for work.

When asked if she “wiped” her server clean, Hillary Clinton responded: “What? With a cloth or something?”. Yes. Like maybe that white flag you raised in Benghazi.

The online review site Yelp now lets users review and rate their experiences with the TSA. Which probably contains more swear words than a Chris Rock monologue.

Audi is set to unveil an electric car capable of traveling 310 miles on battery power alone. Pity we can’t burn the coal to make the electricity to charge it anymore.

Iran will be allowed to use its own experts to inspect it nuclear sites under a secret agreement with the UN. “Chicken Mystery Deepens: Foxes Report No Foxes in Henhouse”

A Hillary Clinton spokesman defended his boss, saying she was a “passive recipient of unwitting information that subsequently became classified”. Now there’s a slogan to inspire confidence: “Hillary 2016: Passively Unwitting”

MSNBC reporter Joy Reid suggested that maybe Hillary Clinton’s email was “safer and more secure” on a private server. Bet she didn’t say that about private health care during the Obamacare debates.

Former DNC Chair Howard Dean said that Hillary’s email scandal was “manufactured by a press that’s bored”. Yes, when can we get back to REAL news, like dead celebrity lions?

A new report suggests that before a robot takes your job, you’re likely to be working with one side-by-side. He’ll be easy to spot. He’s the one not paying union dues.

— Fred Thompson

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton was showing in the CNN poll Tuesday losing to a generic Republican. That’s a Republican with no particular name, no known beliefs and from no identifiable region. A courtroom sketch artist couldn’t have painted a better picture of Mitt Romney.

President Obama named the first openly transgender woman to a White House staff job Tuesday as Public Outreach administrator. The White House said we finally have an administration that looks like America. Yes we do, if Uncle Sam had his own reality TV series on E! called My Name Is Samantha.

Hillary Clinton was assailed by reporters over her e-mail scandal Tuesday. She couldn’t answer when asked if her computer server had been wiped clean in the Denver bathroom where it was stored. Eighteen years ago she blamed the vast right wing conspiracy and today it’s the Tidy Bowl Man.

Joe Biden met with Elizabeth Warren to discuss him running as a one-term president and her as his VP and heir. Democrats are desperate. Until recently, Joe was a national joke and Elizabeth was a fake Indian, but after four months of Hillary Clinton’s campaign they look like Franklin and Eleanor.

Hillary Clinton ended her vacation early to hit the campaign trail as President Obama and Joe Biden conspired against her. The only thing that can rescue her poll numbers now is a sympathy bounce if Bill Clinton is caught cheating on her. He doesn’t want to do it, but he’ll do it for his country.

Donald Trump got the unwanted endorsement of former Grand Wizard David Duke who said on his radio show Trump is the best candidate. He’s still around. David Duke has a radio talk show that’s carried over satellite radio but you have to wear a really pointy hood to be able to pick up the reception.

Hillary Clinton cut short her vacation Monday as the FBI began finding classified information on her private e-mail server which is prosecutable. What a mess. It’s hard to believe but there was a time when Ready for Hillary was a campaign slogan and not the welcome sign at Leavenworth Prison.

Joe Biden’s meeting with Senator Elizabeth Warren last weekend fueled speculation he will ask her to be his running mate and his presidential heir. No one suspects them of using private e-mail for government business. Joe Biden doesn’t know how to e-mail and Elizabeth Warren uses smoke signals.

The White House publicly urged Joe Biden to run for president Tuesday. He’s been a national punch line for seven years. Until recently, it seemed unimaginable that Joe Biden could be taken seriously enough to win his party’s nomination, but Donald Trump blew that idea right out the window.

Donald Trump ordered security to evict a Hispanic reporter who repeatedly interrupted Trump’s Iowa press conference. Liberals howled that it was high-handed and dismissive. Donald Trump’s sense of white privilege may have symbolized yesterday’s America but it has no place in today’s Greater Mexico.

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton cut short her vacation this week to head back to the campaign and shore up her flagging support. Polls show that fewer and fewer Americans say they trust Hillary Clinton. These are the same people who’ve wired money to the Nigerian royal family.

Politico reported Bill Clinton is incensed over the White House encouragement Joe Biden is receiving to run against Hillary. President Obama reportedly feels that Biden will better carry out Obama’s unfinished business. ISIS doesn’t have nuclear weapons yet and Mexico still has people in it.

Donald Trump was badgered by Spanish language TV reporter Jorge Ramos over his Mexican deportation proposals at his Iowa press conference last week. Trump nodded for security to kick him out of the room, but five minutes later he was back. Already, Trump’s deportation policy isn’t working.

The Pentagon sent U.S. warplanes to Poland this week to counter any Russian military movement toward Eastern Europe. There’s no question that we live in a dangerous world. Everyone is trying to wrap their head around the fact that within eighteen months Donald Trump may have nuclear weapons.

Joe Biden polled well among Democratic voters Thursday who cite his foreign policy experience as a major asset. Last year, the White House traded five terrorist leaders to the Taliban in exchange for one U.S. prisoner they were holding. Originally, the deal included Joe Biden, but the Taliban said no.

Hillary Clinton infuriated Republicans Thursday by comparing their views on women’s health issues to the views of terrorist groups in the Middle East. Now that is truly ironic. Middle East terrorists admire Bill Clinton because they think he’s the only American allowed to have multiple wives.

— Argus Hamilton

In an interview this week, Jeb Bush said that if he had a magic wand, there are at least ten things that he would like change about the Constitution. Then Jeb Bush was given the prize for “lamest use of a magic wand.”

A new poll shows that Jeb Bush is now even more unpopular than Donald Trump. Or as Jeb put it, “Well, at least there’s one poll where I’m ahead of Trump.”

Donald Trump had an interview with CNN in the lobby of the Trump Tower Hotel this week, and apparently someone yelled, “You’ll never win the Latino vote.” And then immediately, Trump had the guy deported over to La Quinta Hotel.

— Jimmy Fallon

A spokesman for the White House yesterday said Vice President Joe Biden has received president Obama’s blessing to run for president. Not that he necessarily needs it, but Biden hasn’t made a decision yet, but he plans to as soon as Amazon delivers the magic eight ball he ordered.

They did a nationwide survey that found that when voters think of Donald Trump, the most common word that comes to mind is “Arrogant.” When the same voters think of Hillary Clinton, the most common word they use is “Liar.” When they think of Jeb Bush, the first word that comes to mind is “Bush.” Voters don’t even care enough about Jeb Bush to come up with a word to describe him.

— Jimmy Kimmel

At a press conference yesterday, Donald Trump kicked out a Latino reporter but the man returned a few minutes later. Yeah, so already Trump’s deportation plan isn’t working.

— Conan

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