Today’s Toons 8/24/15

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This Thread Brought To You By The Letters C & P:

In Case You Missed It Dept.:

China is training its military to use equipment that allows them to control machines with their thoughts. Meanwhile their leaders control America with our Treasury Bonds.

35% of New Hampshire Democratic voters said they are “excited” about Hillary Clinton’s campaign. Guess they’re hoping for that historic first: husband-wife impeachment.

Former President Bill Clinton visited President Obama on the golf course during Obama’s vacation on Martha’s Vineyard. The way they talked about servers, you’d have thought they were playing tennis.

So far 305 of Hillary Clinton’s emails have been flagged as containing classified information. Man… I’d hate to be the guy who made the YouTube video that caused that.

After officiating at the reopening of the US embassy in Havana, John Kerry said Cuba and the US are “no longer enemies or rivals”. Yes. Now we’re “grifter” and “patsy”.

— Fred Thompson

Los Angeles marked the fiftieth anniversary of the Watts race riots Wednesday with a downtown street fair for all cultures. One Muslim vendor offered the entire Koran downloaded on DVD. A Christian was impressed and asked the Muslim to burn him a copy, and that’s when the trouble started.

Livermore Lab astronomers said Thursday the universe is dying and we only have a few billion years left to live before everything explodes. Never fear. Donald Trump said it’s all because the Milky Way is stupid and doesn’t know to negotiate with the rest of the universe like he will as president.

Democratic Party insiders in Washington were reported Thursday encouraging Al Gore to enter the race for the Democratic nomination for president. Name recognition could be a problem for him. In the past fifteen years he’s gotten so involved in climate change that he changed his name to Al Nino.

Hillary Clinton had to give her home server to the FBI amid reports she e-mailed classified top secret intelligence in it. If that wasn’t humiliating enough, on the same day, Bernie Sanders took the lead over Hillary in New Hampshire. It’s the first time anybody’s ever been passed by a guy in a Prius.

The Census Bureau reported Friday there are now forty-two million immigrants living in the United States. This report from the immigration studies bureau said eighty percent came from Mexico and Latin America. It’s no surprise since President Obama turned down a wall in favor of the honor system.

Jeb Bush left the stage in Las Vegas on Wednesday when he was assailed by Black Lives Matter protestors, who also chanted Bernie Sanders offstage last week. The Black Lives Matter protest chanting is spreading really fast. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie can barely hear each other at the family dinner table.

GOP presidential candidate and neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson in Harlem on Thursday declared that abortion is the number one killer of black people in America. It set off alarm bells. The Justice Department is now investigating the Missouri Police Academy to see if they teach a course on obstetrics.

Secretary of State John Kerry officiated over a ceremony in Havana Friday that opened the U.S. embassy in Havana thanks to lengthy U.S. negotiations with Cuba. They didn’t get much. After months of negotiations with John Kerry, all Cuba got was the total lifting of sanctions and nuclear weapons.

Joe Biden was reported Thursday delaying his decision whether he’ll run for president until he sees how much damage the e-mail scandal does to Hillary Clinton’s poll numbers. There’s no hurry because he’s such a well-known commodity. Joe Biden is like fine wine, about twelve percent alcohol.

The Muppets Show’s return to ABC this fall was marred by Miss Piggy and Kermit announcing to television writers Friday that they have broken up after twenty-five years. They sounded like Hillary and Trump. Miss Piggy evaded questions from reporters while Kermit called her a pig, plain and simple.

Scott Walker on Tuesday released a highly-detailed GOP alternative plan to Obamacare. Bobby Jindal and Jeb Bush then gave it a thoughtful critique. And then Donald Trump announced that it’s a shame Heidi Klum is no longer a 10, and that dominated the political discussion for the rest of the day.

Hillary Clinton’s e-mail account was found Tuesday to have been run from a Denver apartment with her server stored in the bathroom. It’s appalling. Now the bathroom jokes about Hillary wiping her server clean make America miss the higher tone of the jokes about the Bill Clinton Intern Program.

President Obama is spending a two week vacation at a guest home at Martha’s Vineyard where he’s relaxing and listening to iTunes and playing golf in the warm sun. The White House physician can’t be happy about this. The whole idea of a vacation is to get away from your everyday work routine.

Joe Biden spent last weekend in South Carolina talking with donors and supporters and family members about a possible presidential run. Joe vows he would only serve one term. Nothing projects power and authority like assuring Americans that your presidency will be over with as soon as possible.

Ashley Madison website for married people who cheat was hit by hackers Tuesday who revealed the names and credit card transactions of forty-two million adulterers. It’s like old times At a press conference Tuesday, Bill Clinton admitted he entered his credit card but he swears he didn’t push send.

— Argus Hamilton

There are reports that if Joe Biden runs for president, he would promise to serve for only one term — because nothing says confidence like promising your presidency would be over quickly.

Donald Trump’s recent immigration plan would cost at least $166 billion. When asked how he’d pay for it, Trump was like, “No hablo inglés.”

— Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump’s new policy paper would not give automatic citizenship to children born in America if they have foreign parents. Said Trump, “It’s nothing personal, Sasha and Malia.”

— Seth Meyers

Today is Bill Clinton’s birthday. Hillary sent Bill an e-birthday card and out of habit she immediately deleted it.

Today, Hillary Clinton released an ad that emphasized her humble economic background. In the ad she says, “Just 15 years ago, my family and I were evicted from our house.”

— Conan


Let’s appease the left.


– Mr. Pinko, I Own The World

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