Today’s Toons 8/3/15

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John Kerry said Iran won’t use any of their $150 billion in newly-unfrozen assets to fund terrorists, because “they’re not allowed to do that”. Great. It’s foreign policy by “gun-free zone” sign.

Appeals court judges vacated 5 of the 18 corruptions convictions for former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. Uh oh. This could ruin his chances to get into the Illinois Politician Hall of Fame on the first ballot.

59% of poll respondents said wedding-related businesses with religious objections should be allowed to refuse service to gay and lesbian couples. The other 41% think it’s super smart to eat food made by someone you just finished bullying.

After the attack in Chattanooga, gun-toting citizens are showing up at military recruiting centers around the country, saying they plan to protect recruiters. Amen. We’d rather celebrate our soldiers on Veterans Day than Memorial Day.

A paraphrase of Hillary Clinton’s latest response to the Planned Parenthood scandal: “Republicans know you can’t protect women’s health without selling baby body parts.”

President Obama warned Iran that, despite the nuclear deal “if necessary, there is also a military option”. And Obama’s plan is to pray Iran doesn’t exercise theirs.

A new report shows the lowest rates of home ownership since 1967. Well, I suppose Obama could fix it by redefining the stat to include repossessing banks as “owners”.

— Fred Thompson

Ohio Governor John Kasich announced he’s running for president Tuesday in a speech at Ohio State. He appealed to GOP core values. During his speech he mentioned Jesus Christ, which is a coincidence, because so did Americans when they heard another Republican was running for president.

Hillary Clinton told South Carolina voters they should support her not because she is a woman but based on the merits, and she added that one of her merits is that she’s a woman. The crowd reacted indifferently. Right now Hillary could just wring Bruce Jenner’s neck for stealing her thunder.

Pope Francis’s U.S. approval rating fell from seventy-six percent to fifty-nine percent Friday. He should stick to the script. Popes have to realize Americans have their own Bibles, and they’re not going to buy the story that Peter denied climate change three times when questioned by Roman soldiers.

Hillary Clinton shrugged off the New York Times article stating she’s the target of a Justice Department criminal probe on Friday. What comedians love about Hillary is that it didn’t faze her in the least. She’s has been on the brink of disaster so many times, there’s a brass plaque there with her name on it.

Congress fielded taxpayer complaints Thursday about the expense of overseas travel junkets for Members of Congress, U.S. Senators, the president and even the first lady. Meanwhile, President Obama landed in Kenya Friday. Apparently he’s decided to track down that birth certificate personally.

President Obama spoke to the African Union meeting held in East Africa Monday and he urged African nations to engage in the battle against al-Qaeda. The region is Obama’s ancestral home. President Obama spent this past weekend in the nation of Kenya, or as Fox News calls it, West Hawaii.

President Obama told the press in Africa Monday that ninety-nine percent of the world is behind the Iran nuclear deal. Actually, it has many on edge. It didn’t calm Israeli fears as the deal was signed when Obama assured them that if you like a non-nuclear Iran you can keep a non-nuclear Iran.

President Obama and the Ayatollah Khameni gave two different versions of the Iran nuclear deal Monday. It includes McDonald’s returning to Teheran. Who knew the Iranians were a lot less interested in acquiring an atomic bomb than they were in enjoying a freshly-nuked McDonald’s apple pie.

North Korea’s Kim Jung Un marked the sixty-second anniversary of the end of the Korean War Monday, saying the next war will leave no American alive. His pride is very touchy. War could come sooner than anyone expects if Kim Jung Un ever finds out that Dennis Rodman is not President Obama.

Taliban longtime leader Mullah Omar was confirmed dead in Afghanistan Tuesday. He refused to hand over Osama bin Laden after the World Trade Center attacks. Mullah Omar died of neglect after the Americans decided to let bygones be bygones and go after the dentist who killed Cecil the Lion.

Politico reports Jon Stewart had secret meetings with President Obama and received White House phone briefings to promote the president’s policies through the Daily Show. Here we go again. Jon Stewart just destroyed his cell phone before anyone can ask if he deflated the Obama jokes.

— Argus Hamilton

Time magazine interviewed Bill Clinton about the current presidential campaign, and he claimed he had to ask Hillary to marry him three times before she said yes. Then Hillary was like, “Yeah. That wasn’t me.”

I saw that Donald Trump is selling his penthouse suite at the Trump Park Avenue building here in New York City for $21 million. When asked why he’s selling it now, Trump said “Hey, Americans seem to be buying everything else I’m selling, so why not strike while the iron’s hot.”

In several speeches and interviews, Donald Trump has brought up his book “The Art of the Deal,” and said that Obama would have negotiated a better deal with Iran if he had read it. It got even more awkward for Obama when Iran was like, “It worked for us — you guys got screwed!”

We’re in the middle of a heat wave here in New York City, and temperatures are supposed to be in the 90s for the next several days. In fact Donald Trump was so mad about the weather, he actually gave away Al Roker’s personal phone number.

Trump said if his presidential campaign fails, he will “ride into the sunset.” And if Donald Trump WINS the presidency, Hillary says she’s gonna ride off a cliff like Thelma and Louise.

This isn’t good. Democratic Congressman Chaka Fattah of Pennsylvania could face up to 100 years in jail, after he was charged with several counts of corruption. Which would explain Chaka’s new name: Chaka Con.

— Jimmy Fallon

A New York man was arrested Friday for driving an ice cream truck intoxicated wearing only underwear and yelling at children. So on the down side, he was arrested. But, on the up side, he is the Republican front-runner.

Hillary also said today that her greatest strength is her passionate commitment to helping people. For instance, there was that time in 2008 when she helped a young black man from Chicago become president.

— Seth Meyers


Last night I was driving home from dinner and listening to a sports call-in program carried by WGN in Chicago on SIRIUS/XL. People were calling in, very upset, about the goat’s head that was sent to Cubs owner Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field.

Then some guy called in from Tennessee and said, “Why are you people so upset ’cause someone sent a goat’s head to Wrigley Field? Aren’t you Chicagoans the same guys that sent a horse’s ass to the White House?”

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