This Thread Brought To You By The Letter C:
In Case You Missed It Dept.:
In a daring daytime heist, a man walked into a Florida hospital and wheeled out a $48,000 operating room table. That now makes him qualified as a health care provider under Obamacare.
A woman was arrested for counterfeiting currency after reading online that President Obama legalized printing your own money. Sorry, lady. That’s just for the Federal Reserve.
Portland State University wouldn’t let its College Republicans chapter put up “murder-free zone” posters, saying it might “promote violence”. No, no, no – you’re thinking of “gun-free zone” signs.
Roboticists in New York have built a robot that passed a “self-awareness” test. You know what this means… pretty soon Obama’s teleprompter and auto-pen will demand the right to marry.
National Security Adviser Susan Rice said “we should expect” that some of the money Iran gets under sanctions relief would be used for “the kinds of bad behavior that we have seen in the region”. What… offensive YouTube videos?
At a White House press conference, President Obama asked critics of the Iran nuclear deal “what is your alternative?” Well, something that doesn’t make them laugh out loud would be a good start.
One CNN reporter commented that the Chattanooga shooter was “as American as anybody else”. Sure. Anwar al-Awlaki, for instance.
Marking a new era of diplomatic relations, the Cuban flag was officially hung in the State Department lobby. Cuban dissidents, however, will continue to get firing squads.
The American Federation of Teachers union has already endorsed Hillary Clinton. Can’t blame ’em. Last one to the table gets the Libyan Ambassadorship.
John Kerry bragged on the Iran deal, saying “you cannot make a nuclear weapon with those restraints”. No, but they can make one out of that uranium they’re enriching.
A new poll shows that 80% of voters think Iran can’t be trusted on the issue of nukes. The other 20% are still wondering why the checks from Bernie Madoff stopped coming.
During his weekly address, President Obama said “without this deal, there would be no limits on Iran’s nuclear program”. And now, the sky is.
— Fred Thompson
President Obama told Americans in a speech last week that defeating ISIS in the Middle East will be a generational struggle. The reason we can’t defeat ISIS in Iraq is that we are outnumbered. ISIS has seventy-five thousand troops to our seventy-four-thousand warplanes and attack helicopters.
President Obama landed in Oklahoma City Wednesday before visiting Choctaws in Durant and El Reno prison inmates. He stopped at a local Starbucks. Since a president of the U.S. never carries cash he gave Starbucks the right to make nuclear weapons in exchange for an Orange Café Frappuccino.
The Daily Mail reports Iranian citizens reacted with joy to the nuclear deal that lifted sanctions and returns Iran to the economic mainstream. They reportedly all want iPhones now. If we’d have just given them iPhones five years ago, they’d have never gotten any work done on a nuclear weapon.
President Obama began lobbying members of Congress to pass the Iran nuclear deal tortuously reached between the U.S., our Allies, Russia, China and Iran. Congress was never consulted during negotiations in Geneva with Iran because it’s against White House policy to negotiate with Republicans.
Mexican drug lord Joaquin Guzman’s mile-long escape tunnel was shown on TV as a marvel of hand-dug engineering. It’s so good, it’s embarrassing. Democrats are moving to eliminate the word tunnel from the public vernacular and replace it with the phrase subterranean pathway to citizenship.
Hillary Clinton fell to thirty-nine percent approval rating in CNN’s latest poll Tuesday. Negative responders cited her as being untrustworthy and unlikeable. If this downward trend continues, it could knock her out of the race and end the Clinton dream of being America’s first two-impeachment family.
Hillary Clinton led a chorus of Democrats denouncing Trump for disrespecting John McCain’s heroism in Vietnam and she ripped Republicans for being slow to defend him. It’s a shame Nixon didn’t have Trump. I have never seen one man turn so many Democrats into Vietnam War supporters.
The Cuban flag was raised at an embassy in Washington Monday in the latest step toward Cuba and the United States normalizing relations at last. Cuba’s economy is gradually converting to free markets with small businesses freer from government control. We’re like two ships passing in the night.
President Obama tried to sell his nuclear deal with Teheran to a skeptical crowd at the Veterans of Foreign Wars convention Tuesday. It’s not polling well. While meeting with Choctaw Nation leaders last week in Oklahoma, the tribe gave the president his own Indian name, Dances with Iranians.
Donald Trump gave out Lindsey Graham’s cellphone number Tuesday after Graham had called Trump a jackass in a CBS interview. This was after Trump discredited McCain’s heroism. Americans owe Donald Trump a great debt for taking politics and raising it to the level of professional wrestling.
Seattle former NAACP president Rachel Dolezal told Vanity Fair she still sees herself as black, a month after her parents outed her as white. She was fooling everyone up in the Pacific Northwest. She has been fired as president of the Seattle chapter of the NAACP and replaced by George Hamilton.
Tiger Woods at the British Open continued his long slide since his personal trouble erupted six years ago. It’s ironic. When Tiger Woods’ world fell apart after he neglected to erase all his text messages and e-mail, you knew Clinton would learn a lesson from it, but no one thought it’d be Hillary.
Donald Trump responded to Senator Lindsey Graham calling him a jackass by standing onstage in South Carolina with TV cameras rolling and giving out Senator Graham’s cell phone number. His fans just loved it. It’s the craziest thing Donald Trump has done since whatever he did right before that.
The White House altered the citizenship oath so that new citizens can refuse to take up arms to defend the U.S. for any reason. Earlier this month, President Obama led a swearing-in ceremony at the National Armory in Washington that included this new oath. Now he can surrender to Iran legally.
President Obama addressed the VFW convention in Pittsburgh Tuesday and called upon Iran to release the four Americans they’ve held for a year. He’s starting to worry about his legacy. President Obama heard a rumor going around that the Post Office may put his picture on the Hostage Due stamp.
— Argus Hamilton
Donald Trump’s children released a statement this week calling their father a “true visionary and a great mentor.” And Trump released a statement calling his kids “suck-ups” and “not the best.”
— Seth Meyers