Today’s Toons 6/29/15

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This Thread Brought To You By The Letters C & P:

In Case You Missed It Dept.:

A new analysis shows that China’s military exercises are geared toward practicing invading Taiwan. Don’t worry. I’m sure Obama will give Taiwan all the support he can tweet.

The FBI says they’re in the midst of a broad campaign to disrupt potential terrorists inspired by ISIS. Remember when the whole purpose of Iraq & Afghanistan was so that we’d do that THERE instead of here.

A new report shows that 35% of Hillary Clinton’s Twitter followers are fake. Yet, most of them are registered to vote for her in Chicago.

Former Obama aide David Axelrod said that if he’d known about Hillary’s email server, he’d have “asked a few questions”. Like “how do we cover this up?”

President Obama’s top science and technology adviser, John Holdren, said that, by 2050, “cars, trucks, and planes” will be powered by “electricity, biofuels, or hydrogen.” Or, more likely, pulled by unicorns.

In a farewell speech about Eric Holder, President Obama said that as Attorney General, Holder ensured the law was “applied evenly and equally”. And, occasionally, even to criminals.

A new survey shows that Americans have lost confidence in all three branches of government. Not sure whether to chalk that up to pessimism or experience.

The Pentagon is working to set up an elaborate network of defenses to protect American cities from a barrage of Russian cruise missiles. I can see it now: “if you see a Russian missile coming, press this RESET button”.

At a fundraiser, President Obama complained that the public has “forgotten his successes”. Forgotten? We’re still working on forgiving.

— Fred Thompson

Donald Trump spent Wednesday at Trump Tower giving interviews to ABC News and Fox News to explain why he’s running for president of the United States. What a show. He was wearing so much facial bronzer it looks like he’s also running for president of the Spokane Chapter of the NAACP.

The Food and Drug Administration ordered U.S. foodmakers to eliminate hydrogenated oil from packaged food within the next three years to try to get rid of trans-fats. You can’t make it up. This past week, the Obama Administration declared war on French fries, but they’re still not sure about ISIS.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign refused a request by CBS News to release her medical records. She had a brain clot two years ago when she fainted while standing in Bill’s office, then she hit her head on his desk on the way down. It was odd because most women hit their heads on Bill’s desk on the way up.

Brian Williams was interviewed by Matt Lauer on the Today Show Friday and he apologized for telling exaggerated stories of his past heroics as a reporter. He felt better after coming clean. During the interview, he refused to apologize for lying but he did admit that he’s Rachel Dolezal’s black father.

Spokane’s disgraced former NAACP president Rachel Dolezal told NBC’s Today Show that she made a sex tape with her then-husband ten years ago. She claims he forced her to participate. Rumor has it that the sex tape Rachel made with her ex-husband will be called Fifty Shades of Spray-On Bronze.

Hillary Clinton campaigned in Orange County in Southern California Friday. After one of her speeches she signed a note for a nine-year-old school boy, letting his teacher know he missed school in order to see her. In exchange, he wrote her a note letting the Senate know that he erased her e-mails.

President Obama shocked Americans by saying the N-word in an interview with Marc Maron on Monday, saying racial progress is not just about being too polite to say the N-word in public. They say it’s never too late. In an effort to be more authentically black, he’s publicly identifying as Richard Pryor.

The U.S. Census Bureau announced Thursday that for the first time in seven years, the U.S. birth rate stopped falling. The Bureau may also remove each baby’s name, race and sex from their birth certificates. Democrats want to allow them to wait until they are old enough to make their own decision.

Sears, Amazon and eBay joined WalMart Tuesday in refusing to sell merchandise to customers which have the Confederate Army’s battle flag on it. It appears the War Between the States will never end. Within hours, Bass Pro retailers retaliated and announced they will refuse to take five-dollar bills.

John Kerry proposed a Mideast peace plan with China’s foreign minister Tuesday. He pressured China to pressure Iran to pressure Syria to pressure Hezbollah into recognizing Israel’s right to exist. If you answered yes to two of those five possibilities, then you definitely have a problem with marijuana.

— Argus Hamilton

On a podcast the other day, President Obama used the N-word. In a related story, his new rap album drops on Wednesday.

— Conan

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