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In Case You Missed It Dept.:
The Obama Administration admitted that Chinese hackers stole the personnel files of all 2.1 million federal employees. The good news is that your Obamacare data is safe. Until they come back for it.
A new Department of Homeland Security Inspector General report found that the TSA failed to identify 73 aviation employees with active clearance badges who have links to terrorism. On the bright side, though, not a single toddler made it through security without a weapons patdown.
In a recent speech, Hillary Clinton expressed support for a $15 an hour minimum wage, while only paying her interns $5 an hour. No word on what her husband’s giving interns these days.
The Clinton campaign asked donors to send $1 so that she’ll know “you have my back – just like I’ll have yours.” Apparently our ambassador in Benghazi didn’t send his dollar in.
President Obama said he plans to take “executive actions” aimed at boosting the green energy industry. So… giving amnesty to green energy companies that embezzle grant money?
The federal government’s Office of Personnel Management Director, Katherine Archuleta, said they stop more than 100 million cyberattacks a year. The bad news – turned out most of those were actually just people trying to sign up for Obamacare.
— Fred Thompson
Hillary Clinton was scheduled to announce her presidential candidacy on New York’s Roosevelt Island Saturday. She’s making every effort to remain relevant in the social media world. Hillary Clinton went on Instagram for the first time Wednesday and by sundown she had deleted all her photos.
The GOP candidates last week fanned out on TV to push ways to jump start the economy. There are many. Ben Carson pushed a flat tax, Carly Fiorina touted her CEO experience, and Jeb Bush was in Europe learning how to use a hereditary monarchy to turn your country into a tourist attraction.
GOP candidate Lindsay Graham joined the presidential race Monday and could become the first bachelor president in over a century. He told reporters that if elected he will have rotating first ladies. He’s the first Republican in history to run for president on the campaign promise of future sex scandals.
The Department of Health and Human Services admitted it paid ten million dollars in Medicaid payments to people who were dead this year. It wasn’t a waste. The medicine worked well enough to allow them to make it to the polls and give Mayor Rahm Emanuel just the margin of victory he needed.
President Obama admitted in Germany on Sunday he doesn’t have a strategy to defeat ISIS and afterwards he was flooded with good military advice. Admitting in Germany that you don’t have a military strategy is like having no cocaine when you get to Los Angeles. You’ve come to the right place.
Monica Lewinsky agreed to be an ambassador and an advisor for an anti-bullying organization called Bystander Revolution and give speeches at their conferences. It’s so hard to believe that Monica is now forty. It seems like it was just yesterday she was crawling around on the floor of the Oval Office.
Spokane NAACP president Rachel Dolezal wrote a letter of resignation Monday in the wake of her parents outing her as white and her sibling accusing her of appearing in blackface. The weary American public has just one question about this. Has anyone checked to see if she’s really a woman?
The San Diego Freeway had a flashing billboard ripping Obama and Clinton for tying up traffic with fundraisers. They’re back every six months. They get fifty grand per person if they’ll stay out of Bel-Air for six months and twenty grand per person if they’ll stay out of Beverly Hills for six months.
Jeb Bush stood with his Mexican wife and Hispanic kids Monday and announced his candidacy in Spanish before cheering Cuban-Americans in Miami. The next announcement came from Maine. For the second time in a week, embarrassed parents had to tell reporters that their kid is, indeed, white.
Hillary Clinton told a crowd Saturday that as a teen in Park Ridge she volunteered at her Methodist Church to babysit for the kids of Mexican migrant workers working the fields. What an angel. She’d gather all the children into a circle for story time, and then charge them two hundred thousand dollars per story.
Spokane disgraced former NAACP president Rachel Dolezal disclosed on the NBC Today Show Wednesday that she made a sex tape ten years ago. This explains all of the publicity swirling around her. After Rachel Dolezal was white and before she was black she identified as a Kardashian-American.
Donald Trump reportedly paid actors fifty dollars apiece to stand at his rally Tuesday and cheer for him. It explains why the crowd wasn’t enthusiastic. Once the actors got there and realized they were extras at a Republican rally, they knew they were never going to work in show business again.
Bill Clinton said Tuesday he’d stop giving paid speeches if Hillary is elected president. He’s also said he may leave the Clinton Foundation. Bill is courting comedians to back Hillary by promising he’ll be in the White House for eight years with nothing to do, this time in the era of cell phone cameras.
Pope Francis issued an encyclical on climate change demanding that rich nations make up for their abuse of the earth’s resources by heavily taxing all the wealthy people and giving their wealth to poor countries. His is an eclectic theology. He quoted directly from Matthew, Marx, Luke and John.
— Argus Hamilton
Bernie Sanders told reporters that his campaign will have plenty of money to compete for the Democratic nomination. Then he said, while writing down an order, “And I’ll be right back with your pancakes.”
Rachel Dolezal stepped down from her position as president of an NAACP chapter after it was revealed that she was a white woman pretending to be black. Now her brother says he knew about it but she asked him not to blow her cover. Unfortunately, her cover had already been blown by God when he made her a blond-haired, blue-eyed white lady.
Hillary Clinton signed a note this week for a nine-year-old boy, explaining to his teacher that he was missing school to meet her. In exchange, the kid wrote Hillary a note saying his dog ate her emails.
— Jimmy Fallon
It was a beautiful weekend in New York. This is how nice the weather was: I went outside without sunscreen for about an hour, and I was elected to run the Spokane NAACP.
Donald Trump announced today that he is running for president. And based on the amount of bronzer he uses, he’s also running for president of the Spokane NAACP.
— Seth Meyers
Did you see Donald Trump’s big announcement today? Trump is very confident. He could be the only presidential candidate to ever pick himself as a running mate.
Trump said, “The American dream is dead.” All right, well, it’s not exactly “Hope and change,” but it’s a slogan.
Donald Trump is running for president, which so far is everything I could have hoped for and more. He made his announcement in front of a packed crowd of supporters. But according to The Hollywood Reporter, his camp hired actors to go and then hold up signs and cheer for him. Well, Trump did say he was going to create jobs.
— Jimmy Kimmel
This morning Rachel Dolezal, the white NAACP leader who claimed for years that she was black, made an appearance on the “Today” show. I don’t think she’s learned her lesson because for the first hour she pretended to be Al Roker.