This Thread Brought To You By The Letters C & P:
In Case You Missed It Dept.:
A new report shows that a new billionaire is created in China every week. So, both capitalism AND communism create income disparity? That liberal playbook is getting complicated.
A troubling new report shows that hundreds of TSA security badges have gone missing at airports around the country. Only one thing to do: full-body patdowns of every TSA agent until they’re found.
During a graduation speech, Michelle Obama told students to “shape the revolutions of your time”. Wow. She’s lucky they didn’t respond by pelting her with tofu-burgers.
A new report shows that more than half the world’s countries are now producing Islamic terrorists. I had no idea there were so many countries with Gitmos.
During an interview on MSNBC, Nancy Pelosi said of fighting ISIS that we must fight them on “the front of social media”. Yes. Preferably by drone-striking the computers they’re sitting in front of.
Senior citizens in one retirement home now have the option of taking an exercise class that’s taught by a 22-inch humanoid robot. After a couple years of Obamacare, he’ll probably be their doctor.
While speaking in South Carolina, Hillary Clinton affected a noticeable Southern accent. Wish I could be there when they set that first bowl of chitlins in front of her.
During a speech in South Carolina, Hillary Clinton said her presidency: will “restore faith and confidence and optimism in the future of the country we love”. All we have to do now is check the Bill and Hillary donor list and find out which country she’s talking about.
Tensions in the South China Sea are escalating after China set up weapons on the artificial islands that they are constructing in the region. Obama’s plan? Attack them with our soon-to-be artificial Navy.
A new poll shows that 53% of Democrats think illegal immigrants should be allowed to vote. I’m guessing the other 47% think it should be a requirement.
— Fred Thompson
The Pentagon said it censors news of troop movements to keep U.S. soldiers from being captured by ISIS. A U.S. Marine just escaped after he was captured by a mob, blindfolded and paraded down a lawless street with a sword to his throat. As a result, all shore leaves have been canceled in Baltimore.
U.S. fighter pilots told the New York Times that they weren’t allowed to bomb a ISIS field headquarters near Ramadi due to the administration’s fear of collateral damage. President Obama wages war the same way the Amish go hunting. They sneak up on a deer in the forest and then build a barn around it.
Bill Clinton is reported Friday to have accepted donations from FIFA on behalf of the Clinton Foundation while he was lobbying FIFA to allow the U.S. to host the World Cup tournament. Let’s just enjoy him while we can. It’s a little late in life to be asking Bill Clinton to reject an international body.
Bill Clinton accepted a five hundred thousand dollar fee from a small charity called Happy Hearts last year. It raises money for Indonesian kids victimized by the tsunami. He gave the half million to the Clinton Foundation, which raises money for Arkansas kids victimized by the vast right-wing conspiracy.
Hillary Clinton’s campaign revealed she’ll announce for president at a rally next week in New York. She’ll kick off the day by giving an interview to George Stephanopoulos of ABC News. The announcement was made by Hillary Clinton’s press spokesman, George Stephanopoulos of ABC News.
Bruce Jenner announced on the cover of Vanity Fair he’s in full transition to womanhood and chooses to be called Caitlyn. He also said he’s become a conservative. When the Democrats decided to include sex change operations in Obamacare, they had no idea it also turned you into a Republican.
President Obama met the King and Queen of the Netherlands at the White House Monday. They discussed joint U.S.-Dutch anti-terrorism efforts. He then took them to Starbucks, but because the president of the U.S. doesn’t carry cash he traded three Taliban prisoners for a Mocha Caffe Frappuccino.
Secretary of State John Kerry suffered a broken leg after he wiped out while cycling through the Alps on a mountain road on the border between France and Switzerland on Sunday. The accident was not his fault. His aides say the ride was going well until he suddenly got swift-biked by the Republicans.
President Obama addressed a town hall meeting of community leaders visiting Washington D.C. from Southeast Asia Monday. He declared that he’s restored the U.S. as the most respected country in the world. The best guess is he’s rehearsing for his Saturday Night Live gig starting in eighteen months.
The White House announced Friday that President Obama has decided to build his presidential library at a college campus located on the south side of Chicago. They estimate it will cost one hundred and twenty million. Building contractors say that’s a lot of money to house a pen and a phone.
GOP Senator Lindsay Graham announced he is running for the GOP nomination for president Monday in South Carolina. He’s planning to run on a platform of higher taxes and strong national defense. Lindsay Graham would be the first bachelor elected president of the United States since 1992.
President Obama was quoted Tuesday saying he thinks he’s the closest thing to a Jew that ever sat in the Oval Office. That’s not enough. Vanity Fair won’t reserve next month’s cover for President Obama unless he announces he’s the closest thing to a Jewish woman that ever sat in the Oval Office.
Bill Clinton received millions from Sweden for the Clinton Foundation as Sweden was lobbying Hillary to trade with Iran. At the time, the Swedes also paid Bill six hundred grand for a speech. A Clinton Foundation spokesman would only say that a great comedian is worth every penny you pay him.
— Argus Hamilton
Hillary Clinton announced that she will officially kick off her presidential campaign on June 13 in New York City. The good news is it’s free to get in. Which sounds great until you find out it’s $100,000 to get out.
According to a new poll, the number of Americans who trust Hillary is dropping. Specifically into a hole that Hillary covered with leaves.
Former governor of Rhode Island Lincoln Chafee is challenging Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination. During his announcement, he said, “I realize I’m not that well known, don’t have a ton of support, I’m limited on funds, and . . . why am I doing this again?”
— Jimmy Fallon
If elected, Lindsey Graham would be the first bachelor elected president in 130 years. And he’d also be the first candidate to choose his running mate in an elaborate rose ceremony.
Millions of noisy and rare cicadas have emerged from the ground in central Kansas after spending 17 years underground. Said one cicada, “Bush versus Clinton, oh crap, you guys, we haven’t slept at all. We came out too early.”
Former Rhode Island Governor Lincoln Chafee announced his run for president yesterday. And he said he wants the U.S. to switch to the metric system. OK, you know what? I will start — Lincoln Chafee won’t get within a kilometer of the White House. He’s several hectares away.
— Seth Meyers