Today’s Toons 5/25/15

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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

Vice President Joe Biden said that investing in the nation’s highways and bridges is a “national security” issue. Even better idea: keep terrorists out of the country so they don’t drive on them.

A new report shows that there won’t be a single conservative commencement speaker at any of America’s top 10 colleges. Meanwhile, the liberal speakers will all be pontificating about the virtue of diversity.

Hillary Clinton has hired a full-time “rapid response” research group dedicated to defending her from attacks on her record. Wish she’d protected the Libyan consulate that zealously.

Russia’s foreign minister Sergei Lavrov gave John Kerry two baskets of potatoes and tomatoes. I expect they’ll argue about pronunciation and then call the whole thing off.

France is considering a new law that gives its government sweeping new powers to spy on its citizens. That’s just crazy. Don’t they have executive orders over there?

— Fred Thompson

Homeland Security warned Sunday that ISIS is attracting hundreds of U.S. recruits to the Middle East to fight for them. The terrorist army has its standards. ISIS leaders announced on their website Thursday that they refuse to try to recruit any members of the New England Patriots, citing core values.

The White House scolded Tom Brady to be mindful that he’s a role model Wednesday. This came from the press secretary. President Obama was smoking on the balcony, Joe Biden was in the White House pool swimming naked and the Secret Service agents were strapped in bed being detoxed by their hookers.

Mitt Romney got into the boxing ring with former heavyweight champion Evander Holyfield Friday in Salt Lake City to raise money to provide eye care for the poor. Mitt’s motivation was pretty obvious. Just once in his career, Mitt Romney wanted to hear a crowd encouraging him to run.

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu warned that Israel can’t abide any deal between President Obama and Iran that leaves Iran with nukes. There’s not a lot of mutual trust. Back when Barack Obama was a community organizer in Chicago he once hosted a Passover Seder at Der Wienerschnitzel.

Al Sharpton met with local leaders in Baltimore Thursday to discuss ways to improve relations between police and the community. Nothing gets past this guy. Last week, a Republican admitted on Fox News that he’d had his teeth whitened, and Al Sharpton accused him of mouth gentrification.

ABC News’ George Stephanopoulos apologized for donating seventy-five thousand dollars to the Clinton Foundation. It’s not just him. Brian Williams told Letterman he remembers back during the Lewinsky scandal when he was decorated by the Secret Service for taking a dish for the president.

George Stephanopoulos apologized for not disclosing he gave seventy-five grand to the Clinton Foundation before he interviewed the author of Clinton Cash. The confession has consequences. By not denying all wrongdoing after he got caught red-handed, George has to give up his Super Bowl ring.

Waco police arrested dozens of biker gang members Sunday after two rival gangs shot it out in a crowded Texas restaurant, killing nine. None of the dozens of bystanders were even grazed. It didn’t take Democrats ten minutes to cite marksmanship as another sign of white privilege in America.

GOP candidate Marco Rubio was asked by Chris Wallace Sunday if he knew ten years ago what we know now, would he have invaded Iraq. It’s a silly question but it reveals the candidate’s thought process. Hillary Clinton was asked the same question and she replied she would have invested in Apple.

Hillary Clinton enjoyed herself with a roundtable of voters in Cedar Falls, Iowa, Tuesday. With cameras rolling, she heard from young Democrats who blasted Republicans as the party of the old and the rich. It prompted Hillary to jot down a note reminding herself to lie about her age and income.

Chicago’s Nation of Islam marked the ninetieth anniversary of the birth of black liberation hero Malcolm X. It’s an awkward day for white people. Michael Moore walked outside wearing a Malcolm X t-shirt and a helicopter almost landed on him, while Joe Biden offered a toast to Malcolm the Tenth.

Senator Lindsay Graham discussed his compelling life story Friday when he confirmed that he will run for president. Let’s just say he’s off to a quiet start. Word of Lindsay Graham’s candidacy appeared so far back in the newspaper that the actual announcement was made by Dennis the Menace.

President Obama was asked by the Atlantic Thursday after the fall of Ramadi if the U.S. is losing to ISIS. He insisted that we’re defeating the enemy. Ever since Obama withdrew all the tanks, artillery and attack helicopters, the level of greenhouse gases over Iraq is lower than it’s been in twenty-five years.

— Argus Hamilton

Bernie Sanders made around $2,000 last year for two speeches and a TV appearance, compared to the $25 million the Clintons made. Making him the first person in history to run for president just because he really needs the money.

— Jimmy Fallon

I was surprised to hear this. Hillary Clinton’s Super PAC has reportedly been struggling to raise money. It’s gotten so bad, they may have to start reaching out to Americans.

— Seth Meyers

A lot of people think I’m retiring, but I’ve been telling a fib. I’ve been forced to leave this job because I gave $75,000 to the Clinton Foundation.

— Letterman

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