Today’s Toons 5/4/15

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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

A new study shows that taking extra vitamins actually increases the risk of cancer and heart disease. How long until we get a study that shows the only cure for it is whisky and cigars?

The Hunt for Red October turns 25 this year, but President Obama still hasn’t learned that Russians don’t take a dump without a plan.

Hillary Clinton said that America’s economy has “stalled”. I believe her. I think the Benghazi hearings qualify her as an expert on that subject.

A new study shows that 1/3 of Americans who are saving for retirement currently have less than $1000 put away. Which still puts them way ahead of the government funding Social Security.

Two weeks after announcing her 2016 bid, Hillary Clinton still hasn’t conducted a sit down interview with the national media. Well, I suppose if we have questions, at least we know where to send an email.

Baltimore Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake admitted in a press conference that she asked the Baltimore Police Department to “give those who wished to destroy, space to do that”. Oddly, not the space where her stuff was located.

A new study suggests that current global temperature changes are just due to “natural variability”. For example, the natural variability of government climate study funding levels.

At a speech in DC, Joe Biden said “no President has ever done more to support Israel’s security than Obama”. Makes sense. Look how much they’ve had to beef theirs up since Obama became President.

So many people were arrested during the Baltimore riots that the city had to recruit private attorneys to handle all the cases. Plenty available. It’s hard to chase a burning ambulance.

— Fred Thompson

Chelsea Clinton told a press conference that the Clinton Foundation would re-file its tax returns for the last five years after millions in unreported foreign donations came to light Thursday. It was her job to make the announcement. The Clintons appointed Chelsea treasurer so she’s the one who goes to jail.

A Colorado Springs man was cited for shooting his malfunctioning computer on Thursday. The guy unplugged the computer, took it outside, and fired eight bullets into it, destroying the screen, the keyboard and the hard drive. Today he’s the communications director for the Hillary Clinton campaign.

The New York Times said Hillary Clinton was influenced by Clinton Foundation donations to change U.S. policy and enrich her family. Reaction was threefold. Democrats hope it’s partisan muckraking, while Republicans hope it’s provable, and Bernie Madoff is demanding a re-trial if she gets away with it.

Hillary Clinton was accused doling out Haitian relief contracts and U.S. mineral rights to donors to the Clinton Foundation when Secretary of State. Comedians are concerned. The scandal threatens to destroy, once and for all, Bill and Hillary’s dream of being America’s first two-impeachment family.

Bruce Jenner appeared for an interview on ABC’s Prime Time Friday where he made one of the most courageous confessions ever to the Hollywood community. He looked Diane Sawyer in the eye and admitted that he’s a Republican. Funeral services for his career will be held Friday at Forest Lawn.

Hollywood donors asked to help pay for Bruce Jenner’s upcoming operation after his admission Friday. Only in L.A. is it easier to say that you’re a trans-sexual than a Republican. The donors think if they can convince Bruce to have the reverse procedure surgery, it will turn him back into a Democrat.

The Clinton Foundation CEO Maura Pauly admitted she forgot to separate government donors from individual ones. We know this song all too well. Bill Clinton wagged his fingers at reporters Friday and declared that he did not have improper financial relations with that woman, Hillary Clinton.

Bruce Jenner was a big hit with ABC viewers Friday when he revealed he was transitioning into a woman. The offers are pouring in. Next week he’s been invited to Washington D.C., where he’s now eligible to receive America’s second-highest honor, a shoulder massage from Vice President Joe Biden.

The White House used its new china for the state dinner for Japan’s Prime Minister Shinzo Abe Monday in the East Room. At state dinners during the last fifteen years, our presidents have had to use the china introduced during the Clinton Administration. The dishes all look glued back together.

Hillary Clinton was photographed going for a walk in Chappaqua with Bill Clinton last weekend where she recharged for the campaign trail. Early this week, she enjoyed her best day in months. The alternator went out on the car of the guy who delivers congressional subpoenas in Washington D.C.

Hillary Clinton announced in New York Wednesday she has decided to change the colors on her presidential campaign logo to rainbow colors to represent the cause of marriage equality. It’s a cause so dear to her. Of course Hillary Clinton’s idea of marriage equality is that both of you get to be president.

A Baltimore city councilman went on CNN and slammed President Obama and Mayor Rawlings Blake for calling the rioters thugs, saying they might as well have called them the N-word. It’s so disappointing. Is there not one person with the courage to find a way to blame this on the Republicans?

Baltimore merchants were furious Wednesday to learn the mayor ordered the police away from their stores during the looting. It’s apparently city policy. Before Wednesday’s Orioles-White Sox game, Baltimore’s mayor ordered the catcher to allow the White Sox to steal all the bases they wanted.

Hillary Clinton called for an end to the era of mass incarceration on Wednesday in a Columbia forum. She needs a bounce. A poll last week shows fifty-four percent of Americans think Hillary Clinton was not honest or trustworthy, which explains her new Secret Service code name, Bill Clinton.

Bill Clinton was flying over Africa on a four-engine turbo-prop Thursday when an engine went out. He landed in Tanzania. No one’s saying Hillary loosened the engine bolts, but if Bill nearly dies in a plane crash on behalf of the Clinton Global Initiative’s good works it could change the subject.

— Argus Hamilton

Tomorrow President Obama will host NASCAR racing champion Kevin Harvick at the White House. They both said they look forward to spending an hour or two not having the slightest interest in what the other is saying.

In a two-hour interview last Friday, Bruce Jenner told ABC’s Diane Sawyer, “For all intents and purposes, I’m a woman.” At which point, Joe Biden ran in and started giving Bruce a shoulder rub.

Bruce Jenner declared he is a woman and a Republican. In other words, the GOP finally found someone who might be able to beat Hillary.

Hillary Clinton wrote an Op-Ed for a paper in Iowa about her plans to help the middle class. Middle-class Americans said, “Why didn’t you just say that in a speech?” and she said, “Because I charge $200,000 for a speech.”

— Jimmy Fallon

Hillary Clinton has temporarily changed her campaign logo to rainbow colors in support of marriage equality. Of course, her idea of marriage equality is both of you should get to be president.

Hillary Clinton gave a speech at Columbia University this afternoon. She ended it the way Clintons always end their speeches, by saying, “That’ll be $200,000.”

— Seth Meyers

They’re talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, “I’m available.”

Hillary is just a regular person, just like you and me. Her assistant puts on Hillary’s pants one leg at a time.

Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She’s here to announce her run for president.

— Letterman

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