Today’s Toons 3/23/15

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This Thread Brought To You By The Letters R & P:

In Case You Missed It Dept.:

Democrat Senator Sherrod Brown said that if everyone could sign up for Medicare “it would be terrific”. No, it would be the VA.

Hillary Clinton revealed that she had deleted about half her emails from her years as Secretary of State. Unfortunately, the other half she gave to Lois Lerner for safekeeping.

Scientists report that a new, 1-mile-wide island suddenly appeared in the Pacific in the last month. Might be a good place to check for more Hillary email servers.

The Treasury’s deputy inspector general said fake IRS agents have been targeting people with harassing phone calls demanding payments and threatening jail as part of a huge nationwide tax scam. You can tell they’re fakes – some of the victims aren’t even Tea Partiers.

A new report shows that young Americans ranked last of the advanced countries for math and reading skills. For their benefit: that means everyone else is ahead of you.

Valerie Jarrett commented on her longevity as presidential adviser, saying she’ll be at the White House “until the lights go off”. And with all these new EPA regs on coal plants, that may be sooner than she thinks.

President Obama said that young people should think more about jobs and less about legally-accessible marijuana. Kinda hard with Obama making so much of the latter and so little of the former.

In Iraq, 20 male Islamic State soldiers were caught sneaking off the battlefield in women’s clothing. Good news for ISIS, who now only has to pay them 77% as much.

Asked what the new Net Neutrality rules mean, FCC Chairman Tom Wheeler replied: “we don’t really know”. Funny, we had the same answer to “why are we letting the FCC run the internet?”

A Hillary Clinton spokesman claimed her team individually read “every single email” before discarding those deemed private. Pity those guys weren’t in Congress before Obamacare got passed.

— Fred Thompson

Hillary Clinton flew to high-tech Silicon Valley to speak to eBay workers Thursday. She doesn’t believe you can put two e-mail addresses on one device and she wants to be their president. That’s okay, under the Continuity of Government Act, presidents can never know what they’re talking about.

The House Committee investigating the terror attack on Benghazi prepared to subpoena Hillary Clinton. The lawmakers want to see her e-mails revealing her actions the night of the attack. We’re maybe a month away from Hillary swearing she did not have textual relations with the rescue operation.

Hillary Clinton claimed Tuesday that her private e-mail was used for personal communications between her and Bill. Only a week earlier Bill’s staff told the Wall Street Journal he only sent two e-mails his entire life, and that’s when he was president. He was inviting two interns to the Senior Porn.

Prince Charles arrived in Washington D.C. Tuesday to celebrate the eight hundredth anniversary of the Magna Carta . He’ll give a speech about how the compact established, once and for all, that whoever administers the law is also ruled by the law. And then Hillary Clinton will deliver the rebuttal.

The State Department said Tuesday Hillary Clinton did not sign a required form stating she had complied with the Records Act as Secretary of State. Her support among Democrats is eroding fast. This e-mail scandal could threaten the Clinton dream of being America’s first two-impeachment family.

Hillary Clinton’s assistant Huma Abedin stored Hillary’s e-mails in Bill Clinton’s private server at home. She’s Anthony Weiner’s wife. All you have to do is type Bill Clinton, Anthony Weiner and Private Server into your search engine, and you’ll see why Hillary wanted to keep this mess covered up.

San Francisco 49er Chris Borland retired from the NFL at age twenty-four Monday, citing fear of future permanent brain damage. Last week at a sports banquet, he met Vice President Joe Biden, who recounted to him his own youthful gridiron exploits. Shortly after that, Borland made his decision.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu pulled off a stunning election upset on Tuesday to stay in office another four years. White House allies had worked hard to try to elect Bibi’s opponent. No one wants to say that President Obama was a bad sport, but his note of congratulations was in German.

Benjamin Netanyahu secured his fourth term as prime minister in Tuesday’s elections in Israel following a bitter election campaign in which he was opposed by Obama. There are certainly no hard feelings. As a matter of fact, President Obama will visit Israel this year, where he plans to uproot a tree.

— Argus Hamilton

This weekend President Obama attended the annual Gridiron Club Dinner, and during his speech he joked that he is getting older and crankier. Which explains why he announced he no longer supports President Obama.

Hillary Clinton was actually inducted into the Irish American Hall of Fame yesterday. Hillary said she’s very proud of her Irish heritage or her Italian heritage or her Asian heritage. Whatever it takes to seal the deal with you guys. I’ve got to get into that Oval Office.

President Obama recently sat down with ESPN and said the NCAA should reduce the shot clock for basketball games. Then he said, “And while we’re at it, is there any way they can reduce the ‘being president clock?'”

During a speech yesterday, President Obama discussed the country’s successful economy and said, “I’m going to take a little credit.” Then the people at the rally said, “Dude, we’re all here in the middle of the day because we don’t have jobs. So stop talking about how good the economy is.”

Obama discussed the successful economy and said “I’m going to take a little credit.” Then the economy got bad again and he said, “Republicans did it.”

— Jimmy Fallon

Dick Cheney said in a Playboy interview this week that Barack Obama is the worst president of his lifetime. Come on, you can’t tell me Obama is worse than Martin Van Buren.

— Seth Meyers

Scientists have discovered a black hole that is 12 billion times the size of our sun. It’s full of Hillary Clinton emails.

— Letterman

President Obama filled out his March Madness bracket. You can tell Obama’s mind is elsewhere because his top two picks were Israel and Iran.

— Conan

“When asked about her secret email server, Hillary Clinton said, ‘I fully complied with every rule I was governed by.’ What she meant was, ‘I fully compLETELY lied about every rule I was governed by.”

“CBS News reported that there’s a new scam involving criminals posing as IRS agents. What do they mean, ‘POSING’?”

“The State Department slammed Netanyahu for the ‘scary hypotheticals’ in his warnings about allowing Iran to develop nuclear weapons. The day after Iran gets them and nukes Israel, the State Department’s response will undoubtedly be, ‘What difference, at this point, does it make?'”

“Netanyahu’s speech is ‘a distraction,’ President Obama said to reporters as he spoke to them on his way to the golf course.”

“Obama loves America like Planned Parenthood loves babies.”

“Obama loves America like Muslims love bacon.”

— @PTcomic

I wonder if Obama will tell Iran they have to sign the nuclear deal in order to find out what’s in it?

— Sierra Marlee

“Maybe it’s time for mandatory voting,” said the man who usually voted “present” in the Illinois senate.

— Stilton Jarlsberg

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