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Rumor has it that Hillary Clinton will announce her 2016 bid in April. Hard to say whether the 1st or the 15th would be more appropriate.
— Fred Thompson
Phoenix was site of a televised car chase when a black llama and a white llama escaped captivity Thursday and led pursuers on a wild Arizona road chase. Cowboys in a pursuing truck finally roped them. They captured the black llama first, prompting the Justice Department to launch an investigation.
The FBI arrested three young foreign-born Muslim men in Brooklyn for attempting to join ISIS after posting plans to shoot President Obama and blow up Coney Island. The posted threat caused tremendous concern for half the country. Republicans don’t know what they’d do without Coney Island.
Secretary of State John Kerry told the Senate Wednesday that the threat of death by terrorism is lower today for Americans than it’s ever been in history. The next day the intel chief told Congress the threat of terror has never been more dangerous for Americans. The Obama Administration is like the guy who’s both a taxidermist and a veterinarian, either way he promises he’ll get your dog back to you.
Treasury investigators said they found IRS official Lois Lerner’s emails that may show the White House used the IRS to target conservatives. The IRS testified that Lois’s e-mails were lost when her computer crashed. It crashed when Barack Obama threw it out of Air Force One at forty thousand feet.
The FCC targeted telecoms and voted to impose net neutrality on the Internet, making the World Wide Web subject to U.S. government regulations. It was inevitable. For twenty-five years, the Internet has provided a marketplace for free speech, free commerce and free artistic expression, so it had to go.
Bibi Netanyahu said he doesn’t trust the U.S.-Iran talks in Geneva to keep Iran from acquiring a nuclear weapon. Iran’s deadline may be rushing the U.S. government into a bad decision. It’s better to cook on a stove top and see what you’re doing than to cook in a microwave and see what you’ve done.
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu delivered a thunderous speech to Congress Tuesday and he urged the U.S. to reject a nuclear deal with Iran. President Obama refused to attend or watch the speech. Hollywood rated the snub right up there with William Shatner missing Mr. Spock’s funeral.
Benjamin Netanyahu warned Congress that a U.S.-Iran deal in Geneva will lead to an Iran with nuclear weapons Tuesday. The administration bit its tongue. President Obama canceled his plan to have Kanye West interrupt Netanyahu’s speech and announce that the stage time belongs to Beyonce.
Israel’s opposition to President Obama’s proposed nuclear deal with Iran was joined by Egypt, Saudi Arabia and Jordan. It looks like our president has finally earned that Nobel Peace Prize he won. Barack Obama is the first president in history to unite Israel, Egypt, Saudi Arabia and Jordan.
Joe Biden announced he was boycotting Bibi Netanyahu’s speech to Congress and would not sit behind him on the podium Tuesday. The Middle East is a situation where just one wrong word could result in a world war. It’s why defense stocks rise every time Joe Biden’s plane lands safely in Tel Aviv.
Hillary Clinton reportedly used private e-mail to run U.S. foreign policy while taking money from foreign nations for the Clinton Foundation. It’s dire. For those of you new to comedy and magic, this is the point where Bill has a sex scandal that lasts just long enough for Hillary to escape unharmed.
Hillary Clinton was revealed to have used personal e-mail to conduct U.S. foreign policy while she was Secretary of State. She was speaking at Emily’s List on Tuesday when a blonde in the audience heckled her about it. The blonde was hustled outside by security where Bill Clinton wrestled her to the ground.
President Obama insisted Tuesday that the worldwide terrorist strikes can’t be attributed to any one religion. He back up the assertion that terrorism is caused by joblessness and prior colonialism. However for the first time the president clearly and distinctly identified the enemy by name, Fox News.
National Intelligence Director James Clapper last week warned Congress the U.S. is in imminent danger of attack. The next day Secretary of State John Kerry said that we’ve never been safer. When asked if the administration was sending out mixed messages, a White House spokesman said yes and no.
Nancy Pelosi sat through Benjamin Netanyahu’s speech to Congress Tuesday visibly angry over its conservative tone. She said she was near tears during the speech because it insulted America’s intelligence. For the sake of Nancy Pelosi’s sanity, may she never see Keeping Up with the Kardashians.
— Argus Hamilton
After the FCC issued the net neutrality rules yesterday, President Obama posted a thank you letter online addressed to the millions of people who helped support the change. He finished with a heartfelt plea, “Could someone please tell me what net neutrality is?”
Another scandal for Hillary Clinton — they’re saying she used a private email address when she was secretary of state, which means the government couldn’t archive and preserve her emails. Then Obama said, “Don’t worry, we saw them. We see everyone’s emails.”
Yesterday, the Supreme Court spent over an hour listening to arguments on whether Obamacare is unconstitutional. Yeah, listening to arguments about Obamacare for an hour, or as most people call that, “Thanksgiving Dinner.”
— Jimmy Fallon
Nancy Pelosi said she was “near tears” during the prime minister’s speech to Congress because it insulted America’s intelligence. So please, nobody tell Nancy Pelosi about “The Bachelor.”
— Seth Meyers
Jenner to donate balls to 0bama
Breaking News – Bruce Jenner Transition Fires New Speculation
Wash. DC – Over the past year a rash of news stories surfaced speculating whether gold-medal winning Olympic decathlete Bruce Jenner was undergoing a gender transition from male to female. Though Jenner has yet to publicly confirm the story, members of his extended family, including the Kardashian clan, have recently approached various news outlets confirming Jenner’s intentions.
Now it appears a number of world leaders have picked up on the story and are wondering aloud “What will happen to Jenner’s balls if he completes the transition?” Sources this week quoted Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu as suggesting it would be a monumental step if Jenner were to donate his balls to U.S. President Barack Obama. Netanyahu stated “Everyone knows Obama has no balls and it would be damn nice if he suddenly had Olympic sized balls. It would be a huge step forward for world peace.”
German Chancellor Angela Merkel remarked “I don’t even have any balls, but everyone tells me I have a bigger set than Obama. I think it would be a great idea.”
On the other hand, Russian President Vladimir Putin joined Syrian President Bashar Assad in proclaiming that Obama’s lack of balls has finally enabled a number of regimes worldwide a fair chance to consolidate their power. Putin, on a shirtless fly fishing expedition in Kanchatka, said “The days of U.S. Presidents with big balls like Reagan are over. Now it’s our turn.”
Iranian President Hassan Rouhani remarked earlier in the week that “It’s been great the last six years. It’s like playing soccer against the U.S. with no goalie in their net.”
While world leaders debate the issue, closer to home New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick and Super Bowl MVP quarterback Tom Brady stepped forward to say they would each donate one ball to the President if Jenner does not come through. Belichick, however, cautioned that “The President would have to understand, our balls would be underinflated, but still probably an improvement over what he seems to be working with.”