Today’s Toons 3/2/15

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This Thread Brought To You By The Letters R & P:

In Case You Missed It Dept.:

In a recent speech, Democrat Congressman Keith Ellison said “why do people even have to register to vote?” Yes, it does seem kind of unfair to limit voter turnout to a maximum of 100%

A new Department of Homeland Security intelligence assessment circulated this month focuses mostly on the threat from “right-wing extremist groups”. Unbelievable. No mention of the Crusades?

During an interview on MSNBC, Melissa Harris-Perry asked Eric Holder to quack like a duck. You want a duck, Melissa? Ask him a question at a Congressional hearing.

— Fred Thompson

Joe Biden groped the Defense Secretary’s wife and sniffed her hair at his swearing-in ceremony Tuesday. Last month Joe rubbed the bare arm of Senator Koons’s daughter at his swearing-in. They’ve got to stop piping in Barry White songs over the PA system during the swearing-in ceremonies.

The USDA approved a genetically modified apple that won’t turn brown when you slice it open Friday. No one can believe the Obama administration approved something that’ll never turn brown but remain white.The White House was so busy defending Islam last week they took their eye off the ball.

A State Department spokeswoman astonished observers Tuesday by declaring that America cannot defeat ISIS by killing the ISIS fighters, that we must provide jobs for them. They’re fully employed right now. Is there any better job for an eighteen-year-old than getting to act out video games in real life?

The Pentagon revealed a treasure trove of intel on Osama bin Laden that was seized in the raid on his compound. It shows he spent hours watching porn, looking at himself on old videos and smoking pot. Hollywood sees this as proof that our similarities are much greater than our differences in this world.

Hillary Clinton’s charity was scrutinized when it was found that the Clinton Global Foundation has raised two billion from foreign sources but they’ve only given twenty percent of it to charity. Some of the criticism is quite slanderous. Rudy Giuliani said he doesn’t think Hillary loves Switzerland.

Joe Biden groped the Defense Secretary’s wife at his swearing-in Tuesday. Just one month ago Joe groped Senator Koons’s daughter at his swearing-in ceremony. Last night, Joe Biden walked into the Mayflower Hotel bar and asked the waitress for the usual, and she brought him a restraining order.

The White House admitted Friday that HHS sent one million Obamacare website enrollees the wrong tax returns which could cause them to be delinquent. The latest gaffe is a continuation of the error-plagued rollout. If President Obama were serious about destroying ISIS, he’d design their website.

President Obama said U.S. security will be jeopardized if the Senate fails to pass the bill funding Homeland Security in order to halt his illegal alien order. His plan is simple. President Obama wants a full amnesty for all illegal immigrants before he hands the country over to his successor, the King of Spain.

Homeland Security warned that the Mall of America in Minneapolis was threatened with attack online by terrorists. The jihadists called it off. ISIS knows they could lose some of their best terrorists during the attack if the teenagers happen to be playing Knockout against anyone who walks by that day.

Veterans Administration head Bob McDonald admitted he lied when he told a wounded Special Forces soldier he was also in Special Forces. He was a U.S. paratrooper. If court-martialed for lying about his military service, McDonald could get four-to-eight weeks as anchor of the NBC Nightly News.

President Obama vetoed the Keystone pipeline Tuesday when the bill passed both the House and the Senate for his signature into law. For crying out loud, it’s just another pipe laid in the ground. Rudy Giuliani said he hates to say it, but he doesn’t think that Obama loves American indoor plumbing.

Joe Biden acted up during the swearing-in ceremony for the Defense Secretary Friday. He stood onstage and began rubbing the shoulders of the secretary’s wife. Any idiot knows that the proper decorum for the ceremony is to stand quietly and be respectful but Joe Biden proved he’s not just any idiot.

Hillary Clinton spoke to a Silicon Valley women’s conference Tuesday and announced that it’s time for America’s working women to shatter the glass ceiling once and for all. She must love the sound of it. Hillary is the reason why all the White House china looks like it’s been glued back together.

President Obama said Tuesday the U.S. will be able to verify that Iran builds no nuclear weapons under a proposed U.S.-Iran agreement. The last time the U.S. Embassy was in Teheran, the staff was taken hostage, blindfolded, whipped and humiliated. The ability to see that experience and twist it into a love story between a college girl and a billionaire is why writers get the big bucks in Hollywood.

Secretary of State John Kerry declared in testimony to the Senate Tuesday that Americans have never been safer from the threat of terrorism. There’s a dispute whether Kerry’s pronouncement originates with horses, bulls, or chickens. However there’s no question that it’s Fifty Shades of Brown.

Iran staged naval games in the Persian Gulf Tuesday as Iran’s speedboats torpedoed and sank a mock U.S. aircraft carrier. Iran made sure their ships were clearly marked. Iran’s navy is safe from U.S. attack long as none of their ships are named Climate Change, White Privilege or Patriot anything.

Joe Biden addressed a civil rights group in Washington D.C. Wednesday to mark Black History Month. In his speech he called for wealth to be emancipated just like slaves once were emancipated. Joe Biden’s great skill is saying exactly what’s on his mind, and then making it look like mental illness.

Hillary Clinton’s records showed Tuesday that as Secretary of State she approved Bill Clinton’s giving two hundred and fifteen speeches to private groups. He made forty-eight million dollars giving those speeches but a former president can’t charge a private group for a speech without permission of the Secretary of State. As couples mature it requires new and innovative ways to arouse each other sexually.

— Argus Hamilton

Hillary Clinton is receiving criticism after telling a crowd to “unlock their full potential,” because that line is commonly used by another possible candidate, Carly Fiorina. People said, “You can’t just steal someone’s slogan like that!” And Hillary said, “Yes we can!”

— Jimmy Fallon

President Obama’s former press secretary, Jay Carney, will reportedly become a senior vice president at Amazon. Carney says he’s excited to work for someone who doesn’t take six years to deliver.

— Seth Meyers


A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.

Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.

Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don’t know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help keep the peace.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending clothing.

New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian countries are sending labour to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.

Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

GREAT BRITAIN, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.

God Bless GREAT BRITAIN, damn those Brits are smart!!

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