Today’s Toons 1/26/15

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Nieman Marcus has introduced a “digital mirror” that allows you to change your image at the touch of a button. Hillary’s gonna need one of those before 2016.

The State Department is already discussing sending ambassadors to Cuba. I’ve heard the Castros keep rejecting Obama’s picks as “too left wing”.

— Fred Thompson

The Republican National Committee held a conference in San Diego last week. The likely GOP presidential candidates pitched their ideas for victory. Mitt Romney told the RNC that he’s been recruiting members of his 2012 election team and miraculously none of them were busy with other stuff.

Bill Clinton made news in an interview Wednesday when he called upon Muslim leaders around the world to join in the battle in combating radical Islam. This could bear fruit. Saudis in particular look up to Bill Clinton because they think he’s the only Westerner who’s allowed to have multiple wives.

Hillary Clinton began assembling a campaign staff Thursday by hiring John Podesta to run her presidential campaign. She had a good week. Last Sunday Mitt Romney told donors he’s considering a run for president, prompting Hillary Clinton to tell donors she won’t need that much money after all.

President Obama will deliver his annual State of the Union address to a joint session of Congress in the House Chamber of the U.S. Capitol tonight. He plans to open by announcing that the State of the Union is strong. It’s always a good idea to start out your speech with a good joke to get the crowd on your side.

Congressman Randy Weber of Texas apologized for comparing President Obama to Adolf Hitler for neglecting to join the Paris anti-terror march. It’s been smoothed over. The next morning the surviving members of the Hitler family went on TV in Berlin and accepted the congressman’s apology.

John Kerry brought James Taylor with him to his press conference in Paris to sing You’ve Got a Friend to France. Kerry used Seventies music to apologize for blowing off the Paris unity rally. Perhaps he should have brought Dr. Hook and the Medicine Band to sing I Got Stoned and I Missed It.

The Washington Post poll had great news for the White House Monday showing that President Obama’s approval rating shot up twelve points in the last two weeks. The only thing he did during that time was to snub France. Everybody agrees he’s growing into his job as King of the Anglo-Saxons.

President Obama in his State of the Union address proposed raising taxes on upper incomes to raise two hundred billion. The tax hike must be passed by the GOP House and Senate. Before that happens, Pope Francis will lead the procession into the movie theater for the Rome premiere of American Sniper.

The Secret Service is investigating a shooting outside Joe Biden’s house in Delaware on Sunday after several shots were fired by a passing motorist in the direction of his home. Danger follows the vice president everywhere. Last week Joe Biden lost his train of thought and there were no survivors.

Clint Eastwood’s American Sniper set January box office records last weekend earning over one hundred million in ticket sales. Its success angered the anti-war crowd. On Sunday Michael Moore tweeted that snipers are cowards and now nobody in Hollywood will walk outside the building with him.

President Obama spoke for over an hour to a joint session of Congress Tuesday as he delivered his State of the Union speech. It’s always a very long hour. If Bill Cosby had convinced his two dozen accusers to watch State of the Union speeches with him instead of drugging them, they’d still be out.

President Obama was interrupted by applause seventy-six times during his State of the Union address on Tuesday in Washington. After six years, Americans are used to his speech impediment by now. Every time President Obama tries to pronounce the phrase radical Islam, it comes out free community college.

President Obama spoke to Congress Tuesday facing revolt from liberals over income inequality and from conservatives for appearing soft on Islam. It’s tough. No one wants to say that President Obama has had a bad year but he’s currently being investigated for using performance-detracting drugs.

Canadian snipers wiped out an ISIS mortar battery in Iraq Tuesday, checking ISIS savagery. It’s now a major concern. White House press secretary Josh Earnest claims it’s unfair to attribute ISIS atrocities to radical Islam but if the beheadings are an example of moderate Islam, we’re in real trouble.

The Pentagon sent warships into the Red Sea Tuesday as Yemen’s government seemed about to fall to al-Qaeda. The administration was quick to explain. When President Obama said two years ago that al-Qaeda was on the run he meant they’re so hot they’re selling franchises like they’re McDonald’s.

President Obama in his State of the Union offered Americans tax hikes, free community college, free child care and his vision of a color-blind America. The response sent him a message. The next day, talk radio shows were flooded with callers anxious to express their opinion about deflated footballs.

Michael Moore set off a storm Sunday by tweeting that all snipers are cowards. He is a liberal in good standing with the gay community, the feminist community and the black community. The problem is, who on earth is going to march in the parade next to you after you’ve offended the sniper community?

The National Enquirer published a cover story Friday headlining a claim that President Obama and Michelle’s marriage is in big trouble. It says the First Couple are fighting like cats and dogs. To give you a general idea of just how bad things are, their Secret Service code names are Bill and Hillary.

— Argus Hamilton

The RNC released its first presidential debate schedule, which includes at least nine debates in different states across the country. As opposed to the Democratic debates, which will just be Hillary staring at her opponents until they burst into flames.

First lady Michelle Obama wore a suit to the State of the Union last night that apparently had also been worn by Julianna Margulies’ character on the “The Good Wife.” They both wore the same outfit, which is why Obama just passed an executive action ordering Us Weekly to say Michelle wore it better.

— Jimmy Fallon

After “American Sniper” made $90 million this weekend, director Michael Moore tweeted yesterday that snipers aren’t heroes. I don’t know, Michael Moore. If you are that easy to spot, do you really want to make an enemy out of snipers?

Last night President Obama gave the State of the Union address, and I just have to say that I don’t know what union he was describing. But I want to live there. I want to move. It sounds outstanding. There’s a middle class. They have small businesses. It sounds great.

CNN is developing a game show to be hosted by Anderson Cooper. It will be just like the other CNN shows except the contestants will make wild guesses instead of the news anchors.

— Seth Meyers

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