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In Case You Missed It Dept.:
Rumors are swirling that Michelle Obama may run for the Senate in 2018. Good luck with that. Think of all the hungry students who’ll be old enough to vote by then.
The government denied having any plans to bring non-citizens to the US for Ebola treatment. That’s ok. They seem to be getting here just fine on their own, anyway.
The New York Times reports that Russia is suspected of hacking into White House computers. Big deal. Now let’s see them log on to HealthCare.gov
During his weekly radio address, President Obama said “we should be choosing policies that benefit women”. Mia Love and Joni Ernst might argue you already have.
— Fred Thompson
A Harvard University study of the Millennial generation showed that most young people in their twenties plan to vote GOP on Tuesday. Democrats are very worried. President Obama arrived at a campaign rally in downtown Baltimore Thursday and the traffic actually improved.
White House officials say they discovered hacking activity into the computers in the Oval Office. Nothing was taken. The hackers were identity thieves who peeked at the president’s Oval Office laptop and saw his approval ratings and decided they were better off as themselves.
A Dunkin Donuts in Boston aired video of a robber in a Barack Obama mask robbing the cashier and ransacking the counter. It’s alright. Afterwards a woman in a Hillary Clinton mask walked in and promised to clean up the mess made by the guy in the Barack Obama mask.
The White House was reported Thursday considering flying in Ebola patients from Africa to the United States for hospital treatment. It doesn’t seem fair. Five years ago the Obama Administration would not allow swine flu into the country for fear that it would offend Muslims.
Washington D.C. insiders predicted Friday that President Obama will issue an executive order after the election providing amnesty to millions of illegal aliens. Opposition will be fierce. Critics say it will transform America, making it as unrecognizable as Renee Zellweger.
House Democrat Charlie Rangel accused Republicans of being Confederates who don’t realize they lost the Civil War. What a teachable moment. It gives history teachers a chance to point out to young people that more Republicans have died from Ebola than fought for the South.
President Obama had to switch planes in Philadelphia Monday because of a mechanical problem on the small aircraft which he was flying instead of Air Force One. It was grounded also. You know your popularity is low when even your plane doesn’t want to be seen with you.
The New York City Marathon was run Sunday with over six hundred thousand spectators cheering runners from all over the world. The key to winning is motivation. Last Sunday’s New York marathon was won in record time by a Kenyan national hero running away from Obama.
— Argus Hamilton
Attorney General Eric Holder said the only person who could play him in a movie is Denzel Washington. Do you know who I think should play Holder? Oprah’s boyfriend, Stedman.
Politicians are really getting desperate. In fact, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid sent out a final fundraising email to Democrats with the subject line, “I’m begging.” Because what better way to show you’re a strong leader than acting like you’re drunk and dialing your ex?
Today is the midterm elections. The Washington Post is predicting that there’s a 98 percent chance of the Republicans taking the Senate and The New York Times says there’s a 75 percent chance. And CNN said, “Wait, that’s today?”
During a speech on Sunday, President Obama said to the crowd, “We’ve got to vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote.” This went on for an hour until someone finally fixed his teleprompter.
— Jimmy Fallon
Republicans won enough seats to gain a majority in the Senate and increase their majority in the House. For those Democratic candidates who wanted to distance yourselves from Obama, congratulations. You did.
— Seth Meyers
Yesterday was Election Day. If we have any Democrats in the audience, I’m sorry but you’re going to have to give up your seats.
Was the election a drubbing or was it a shellacking? That’s my only question. It’s embarrassing. Even the Washington Redskins are demanding that the Democrats change their name.
You know what happened today? When is this going to stop? There was another fence jumper at the White House. This time it was Obama trying to get out.
What a day. It’s 53 and gloomy — like President Obama.
How about that election night? Here’s the breakdown. The Republicans won the popular vote. The Democrats won the unpopular vote.
The Republican Party had a big day in yesterday’s midterm elections and now controls the House and Senate. And don’t ask me how this happened, but the Republican Party also gained control of three seats in our show’s band.