This Thread Brought To You By The Letter P:
In Case You Missed It Dept.:
The Seattle City Council has voted to replace Columbus Day with Indigenous Peoples’ Day in the city. Next up: replacing Christmas with Roman Tax Collectors’ Day.
A new report shows that President Obama’s vacations have cost taxpayers $40 million so far. Wish the price tag were that slim on the days he worked.
White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest said that the US strategy for defeating ISIS is “reliant on something that is not yet in place”. Yes. A Republican President.
Web inventor Sir Tim Berners-Lee said that “computers are getting smarter and we are not”. He may be right. It wasn’t iPhones that reelected Obama.
A new poll shows 55% think that President Obama doesn’t deserve the Nobel Peace Prize he won in 2009. Why not? That’s the time in his presidency we were at war in the fewest countries.
A new advanced robot servant uses sonar tracking to follow you around. Good news! Now you can stop worrying about the NSA hacking your smartphone.
The UN says the Ebola outbreak must be controlled within 60 days or else the world faces an “unprecedented” situation for which there is no plan. We should be safe. Heck, I bet they could pass a dozen resolutions by then.
In Wyoming, a man stole a train and drove it 13 miles before crashing it into another train. As a metaphor for Obamacare, this is probably actually a best-case scenario.
Leon Panetta said that, for Obama’s foreign policy to work, Obama needs to have “the heart of a warrior”. Meanwhile, ISIS keeps having the heads of reporters.
— Fred Thompson
The Nobel Prize for Economics went to French economist Dr. Jean Tirole last week. His masterful works demonstrate how smart government policies can spur business competition, discourage monopolies and stimulate free market growth. President Obama finished last.
Gwyneth Paltrow introduced President Obama Friday, praising his good looks then urging America to give him dictatorial powers. She caught hell. It’s the last time she asks a guest of honor to write his own introduction and then have it put on the Teleprompter for her to read.
The Bill Clinton Presidential Library released ten thousand documents revealing how his White House handled the Monica Lewinsky scandal. It was a nasty fight. At one point when Special Prosecutor Ken Starr wanted Monica’s fingerprints, he subpoenaed the president’s back.
Joe Biden campaigned in Florida Monday for Democratic candidate for governor Charlie Crist. The Democrats are running on the environment. Joe has a climate change plan, he says we can lower the earth’s temperature dramatically just by switching from Fahrenheit to Celsius.
John Kerry declared in Boston that life on earth as we know it will end if we don’t do all we can to halt climate change. He said that climate change is a bigger threat than terrorism. Unless the terrorist is on your airplane, then that extra half-degree doesn’t bother you so much.
Hillary Clinton commanded a two hundred and twenty-five thousand dollar speaking fee on Monday night in Las Vegas when she showed up to address the University of Nevada at Las Vegas Foundation Dinner. You can’t make it up. Her topic was the importance of free speech.
Kentucky Democratic Senate candidate Allison Grimes refused to say whether she voted for Obama. It’s that grim. Last week, three Democratic candidates came in contact with President Obama and their campaigns are in critical condition at Dallas Presbyterian Hospital.
The TSA began testing incoming passengers from Africa for fever Monday even though Ebola victims don’t display fever early. To keep out the Ebola virus, the CDC is working in tandem with Homeland Security. Laurel and Hardy looked better pushing a piano up a staircase.
— Argus Hamilton
It’s reported that President Obama may take executive action to shut down the prison in Guantanamo Bay. It will backfire when the terrorists there say, “We’re not going out there. Those new terrorists are scary! I got four meals a day here and I get my nails done. I like it here.”
This is kind of weird. This week Obama criticized the GOP for being the party of billionaires — while he was speaking at a fundraiser at a billionaire’s house!
President Obama played his 200th round of golf yesterday. Then Democrats said, “You know what? He can do whatever he wants as long as he’s not trying to campaign for us.”
The Pentagon just announced that its fight against ISIS will be called “Operation Inherent Resolve.” They came up with that name using “Operation Random Thesaurus.”
The Pentagon has picked “Operation Inherent Resolve” as the name for its fight against ISIS. Unfortunately, two terrorists got away while they were busy thinking of that name. Who cares what you call it. Just do something!
— Jimmy Fallon
It was announced today that the head of the TSA will retire after 31 years. I guess he wants to spend his time sitting around doing nothing instead of standing around doing nothing.
— Seth Meyers
Today is the birthday of White House dog Bo. He had a wonderful party at the White House — only three intruders … I believe Bo is actually now distancing himself from the president … It’s a bittersweet day for Bo because he was recently trashed in Leon Panetta’s book.
President Obama is trying very hard to put people at ease about Ebola. Obama said he hugged and kissed some of the nurses in Atlanta who had treated the patients with Ebola. Man, Obama will do anything to get out of that job right now.
Obama cancelled not one, but TWO “important” events to deal with the Ebola epidemic. When he cancels a golf outing, then we know it’s time to panic.
— Dixon Diaz
Last week was the big fundraiser for President Obama hosted by Gwyneth Paltrow. It was hosted at her house. And people say Obama never reaches out to the inner city.
A fundraiser at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house was a good idea for the president. He found the one person in America with lower approval ratings than his.
Gwyneth Paltrow told the president he was so handsome that she couldn’t speak properly. I wish Obama would get a little bit more handsome so she would shut up forever.
— Craig Ferguson
“Earbola” – the nauseous feeling that one feels after listening to a speech by Barack Obama.
— Urban Dictionary